Mental Illness and Bipolar
Well, I've had a couple of mental health realisations lately. I think that in this last year I have been able to see more clearly how I am. A friend is coming off of Seroxat and asked me in what doses I came off it. Having a tendancy to block things I don't want to think about I had no idea how I reacted to withdrawal, how I came off it and even why. I turned to this LJ to see what I had written about it. And reading it was shocking. You click on my mental health tab and read some of the entries and al I can see is a very very disturbed and ill person. I am amazed not only at how far I have come but also at my lack of recollection of ever being that bad. It scares me that anyone can be that ill and yet I was. I wanna kind of apologise to those who had see that time in my life, to those who may possibly have to see me in such a place again (although I really hope it won't happen but who is Dans without a lil pessimism?)
Not only have I realised the degree to which I have been 'ill', for want of a better word, in the past. But also how ill I have been recently. On my trip to Finland and Sweden with Sam this year looking back I believe I was having an episode. My bipolar, for those who don't know, is type 2 rapid cycling. It means that I can have high ups and downs several times in one day, swinging from one to the other. At times I only know how I am feeling due to if there are tears or a smile on my face. In Finland and Sweden I was irritable and deeply depressed and excited and amazed with the world. I realised as we were leaving Sweden that I after each time that I got irritated with Sam I forgot all about it, the next morning I was happy as if nothing had happened because in my mind nothing had happened. It was only his mood that alerted me that something was wrong. Obviously his mind wasn't swinging like mine and didn't move from situations as easily. Thats when I realised, yes over a year after my diagnosis, that maybe the drs are right with Bipolar lark.
I've always had downs, I used to discount any suggestion of the drs that I was bipolar. My 'ups' are not up enough. I get happy but nothing major. It was only when Sam started coming to my Psych appointments and the Drs got a 2nd view that they saw that I was actually manic. And still it didn't seem right. I mean I'm a bouncey geeky fangirl. I bounce alot, I get really excited. Its what we do right? So what I sometimes spend so much that I am absolutly broke but can't stop the spending and then feel depressed after? I'm a girl right? And yes I come up with crazy ideas and plans and get excited about them, but thats good no? To have hopes and ideas? Hell everyone gets mad when you loose all hope and plans for the future. But no all these things are symptoms. It took Sweden for it to really sink in, yes I am bipolar and yes it does affect me in a negative way.
Talking to Kerry yesterday I reaslised that it has been a year since Sam left me. I think in the stress and panic of the move I missed that particular anniversary. At least I don't remember remembering it but hey I;ve already said what my memory is like! And when I realised that instead of focusing on the whole issue of my break up with Sam i suddenly realised something entirely different. It has been over a year now since I last tried to kill my self or cut myself. It was really werid when I realised that. Maybe it's because of how I have been this weekend, with my thoughts being a bit dark, but it seemed so werid that I was so far away from that place in the sense of time. I am used to not lasting a couple months without cutting. And although I have only had 3 suicide attempts which involved hospitals I have had many more minor ones. I'm pretty proud and amazed. I'm hoping its a sign that I am getting better, I think the prostap did help alot and I pray that it continues to. I know I'm not fixed. I still have suicidal thoughts and urges. Urges to cut and harm myself. I still have the voice ringing loud and clear just how useless I am and how better things would be if I wasn't here. But if I'm not acting on it, if I am able to resist that pull, then that is simply amazing.
Then when more 4 closed down for the night they had adverts of programmes they show. One was on Bipolar. Think it was called the Devil and Daniel Johnston. I thought it was interesting and when the advert came on for the 4th time (for some reason I am still awake and avoiding bed whilst pretty much doing nothing) I decided to google it. That took me to a youtube trailer which looked interesting. I then remembered Stephen Fry had done a documentary on Bipolar that I had heard about. I've since seen him in more things and become a teeny bit of a fan. So I hunted for it. Found both episodes on youtube and have sat watching them. Watching him and the people he interviewed was a real insight. It showed me some of the things that I had always known I had but didn't know if they related to the bipolar. His talk of his voice in his head which hurled insults, many choice words of his ones that also run through my head. The repeated mention of rooftops and high places. When Paul put the loft conversion in woodstock road I would go up and sit by the chimmney just looking down. The risk taking, I remember in the first year of secondary school we had our home room on the 3rd floor and we had to wait in the stairwell for our teacher. I used to take my shoes off and walk along the banister with my tights on. Used to hang from the railing of the next flight of stairs just hanging over the gaps. My firends laughed and I got the nick name of dangling dan and dangerous dan. I never thought about that in relation to my mental health before. It was enlightening to see Stephen Fry talking to the american kid who threw a chair at his teacher, his story of slapping a teacher who told him how to tie his shoe laces. The talk of that overwhelming sudden rage. I get that so much, the sudden almost uncontrolable urge to want to hurt someone for what they have just said or done. I think I do very well at holding it in. I had always put it down to me being bad tempered but maybe its another part of this illness. It was also funny to see him shopping for gadgets. The excitement flowing off him and the shine in his eyes, especially as he had only earlier been taking about getting down again. I saw so much of myself in that televised shopping trip. I guess the things I have been realising lately combinedwith watching that made me want to post. That and its another thing which helps me avoid bed. Its after 6am now and as I write I am thinking of what to do next to avoid bed and sleep.
It also made me a bit sad. The woman who isn't having any more children due to fear of pregancy triggering another breakdown. The stats that they pulled out refering to bipolar women, pregnancy and suicide rates. I don't want to die. I may want to die at times but the majority of the time I don't. I don't want to have a baby and go off the deep end, during or after the pregnancy. And if I have one baby I want to have more than one, I don't want an only child. So yeah that was slightly depressing and concerning. Then there was also the things they said about once bipolar hits people they often end up managing to live a life but never getting past being cashiers in part time jobs. I look at the people he interviewed, the ones that lost thier jobs and marraiges and never bounced back, and look at myself and feel somewhat bleak. The girl at the end who went to oxford and acknowledges that she will never again be able to do more than a part time job. It makes me really sad. It scares me that I may work in Fanboy3 all my life. No offence to people who live out thier lives as sales assistants but I have always wanted more than that. A career. It scares me a bit that I may never have that.
It was quite funny watching Stephen Fry and seeing so much of myself
Would I press a button and have it all taken away? I don't really know. I know the answer 'should' be yes absolutly. But the highs I get, the feelings of joy, and even more important the illusion that not only can I cope with life but that I can also succeed, that I am a worthy person and a good contributer to this world, those feelings of happiness and usefulness. I don't think I would want to give them up. Maybe, like most things in my personality I am a bit addicted to them.
In conclusion? I am accepting that I am bipolar, I have, in the past, been very very very very ill and I have made great steps in this last year.
I guess thats all folks, sorry its so long, I don't feel that this should be cut though, this isn't a post I want you all to walk on by on. Right, I gues I have to find something else to stop me from going to bed, litter tray here I come.
Dans
Not only have I realised the degree to which I have been 'ill', for want of a better word, in the past. But also how ill I have been recently. On my trip to Finland and Sweden with Sam this year looking back I believe I was having an episode. My bipolar, for those who don't know, is type 2 rapid cycling. It means that I can have high ups and downs several times in one day, swinging from one to the other. At times I only know how I am feeling due to if there are tears or a smile on my face. In Finland and Sweden I was irritable and deeply depressed and excited and amazed with the world. I realised as we were leaving Sweden that I after each time that I got irritated with Sam I forgot all about it, the next morning I was happy as if nothing had happened because in my mind nothing had happened. It was only his mood that alerted me that something was wrong. Obviously his mind wasn't swinging like mine and didn't move from situations as easily. Thats when I realised, yes over a year after my diagnosis, that maybe the drs are right with Bipolar lark.
I've always had downs, I used to discount any suggestion of the drs that I was bipolar. My 'ups' are not up enough. I get happy but nothing major. It was only when Sam started coming to my Psych appointments and the Drs got a 2nd view that they saw that I was actually manic. And still it didn't seem right. I mean I'm a bouncey geeky fangirl. I bounce alot, I get really excited. Its what we do right? So what I sometimes spend so much that I am absolutly broke but can't stop the spending and then feel depressed after? I'm a girl right? And yes I come up with crazy ideas and plans and get excited about them, but thats good no? To have hopes and ideas? Hell everyone gets mad when you loose all hope and plans for the future. But no all these things are symptoms. It took Sweden for it to really sink in, yes I am bipolar and yes it does affect me in a negative way.
Talking to Kerry yesterday I reaslised that it has been a year since Sam left me. I think in the stress and panic of the move I missed that particular anniversary. At least I don't remember remembering it but hey I;ve already said what my memory is like! And when I realised that instead of focusing on the whole issue of my break up with Sam i suddenly realised something entirely different. It has been over a year now since I last tried to kill my self or cut myself. It was really werid when I realised that. Maybe it's because of how I have been this weekend, with my thoughts being a bit dark, but it seemed so werid that I was so far away from that place in the sense of time. I am used to not lasting a couple months without cutting. And although I have only had 3 suicide attempts which involved hospitals I have had many more minor ones. I'm pretty proud and amazed. I'm hoping its a sign that I am getting better, I think the prostap did help alot and I pray that it continues to. I know I'm not fixed. I still have suicidal thoughts and urges. Urges to cut and harm myself. I still have the voice ringing loud and clear just how useless I am and how better things would be if I wasn't here. But if I'm not acting on it, if I am able to resist that pull, then that is simply amazing.
Then when more 4 closed down for the night they had adverts of programmes they show. One was on Bipolar. Think it was called the Devil and Daniel Johnston. I thought it was interesting and when the advert came on for the 4th time (for some reason I am still awake and avoiding bed whilst pretty much doing nothing) I decided to google it. That took me to a youtube trailer which looked interesting. I then remembered Stephen Fry had done a documentary on Bipolar that I had heard about. I've since seen him in more things and become a teeny bit of a fan. So I hunted for it. Found both episodes on youtube and have sat watching them. Watching him and the people he interviewed was a real insight. It showed me some of the things that I had always known I had but didn't know if they related to the bipolar. His talk of his voice in his head which hurled insults, many choice words of his ones that also run through my head. The repeated mention of rooftops and high places. When Paul put the loft conversion in woodstock road I would go up and sit by the chimmney just looking down. The risk taking, I remember in the first year of secondary school we had our home room on the 3rd floor and we had to wait in the stairwell for our teacher. I used to take my shoes off and walk along the banister with my tights on. Used to hang from the railing of the next flight of stairs just hanging over the gaps. My firends laughed and I got the nick name of dangling dan and dangerous dan. I never thought about that in relation to my mental health before. It was enlightening to see Stephen Fry talking to the american kid who threw a chair at his teacher, his story of slapping a teacher who told him how to tie his shoe laces. The talk of that overwhelming sudden rage. I get that so much, the sudden almost uncontrolable urge to want to hurt someone for what they have just said or done. I think I do very well at holding it in. I had always put it down to me being bad tempered but maybe its another part of this illness. It was also funny to see him shopping for gadgets. The excitement flowing off him and the shine in his eyes, especially as he had only earlier been taking about getting down again. I saw so much of myself in that televised shopping trip. I guess the things I have been realising lately combinedwith watching that made me want to post. That and its another thing which helps me avoid bed. Its after 6am now and as I write I am thinking of what to do next to avoid bed and sleep.
It also made me a bit sad. The woman who isn't having any more children due to fear of pregancy triggering another breakdown. The stats that they pulled out refering to bipolar women, pregnancy and suicide rates. I don't want to die. I may want to die at times but the majority of the time I don't. I don't want to have a baby and go off the deep end, during or after the pregnancy. And if I have one baby I want to have more than one, I don't want an only child. So yeah that was slightly depressing and concerning. Then there was also the things they said about once bipolar hits people they often end up managing to live a life but never getting past being cashiers in part time jobs. I look at the people he interviewed, the ones that lost thier jobs and marraiges and never bounced back, and look at myself and feel somewhat bleak. The girl at the end who went to oxford and acknowledges that she will never again be able to do more than a part time job. It makes me really sad. It scares me that I may work in Fanboy3 all my life. No offence to people who live out thier lives as sales assistants but I have always wanted more than that. A career. It scares me a bit that I may never have that.
It was quite funny watching Stephen Fry and seeing so much of myself
Would I press a button and have it all taken away? I don't really know. I know the answer 'should' be yes absolutly. But the highs I get, the feelings of joy, and even more important the illusion that not only can I cope with life but that I can also succeed, that I am a worthy person and a good contributer to this world, those feelings of happiness and usefulness. I don't think I would want to give them up. Maybe, like most things in my personality I am a bit addicted to them.
In conclusion? I am accepting that I am bipolar, I have, in the past, been very very very very ill and I have made great steps in this last year.
I guess thats all folks, sorry its so long, I don't feel that this should be cut though, this isn't a post I want you all to walk on by on. Right, I gues I have to find something else to stop me from going to bed, litter tray here I come.
Dans