family, hopsitals and future oh my
sitting in sams mums living room on charlies laptop while he plays the wii, sm is upstairs doing last minute things for him mum.
this weekend has been too long. too many fke smailes, i told sams mum some ofmy depressuin etc but have kept to the long sleeves andnot mentioned that fact that i will be inpatient this time tomorrow.
i am so stressed and scared we have to drive home today (its 20 to 1) ione the way home we pass by pauls dad, hs 99 dont kow when i will next see him bbut dont know if i can keep the smiles, i dont think i can i am scared of it all going ape shit, esp as mum and paul will be there
get home huggle my kittens till they stop hating me, make some dinner for sam for through the week, get some wine started do some. kaundry huggle kittens mor and leace for hosp, dont know how long i will be there, dont kow what things i can takme. am so scared of loosing control, i have been fairly honst with my drs but not too honest, there are thingd i keep dark and hidden, what if they show, what if they see how crazy i am, they have assured me i can leave whenever i want but what if ilm a danger to othersm can i still leave?
then whatdo i do about my kittens, my wine, my cooking, my gardening? will they be able to feed me there i am so intolerant to everyh tng, i am so scared of being alone, so scared if loosing control.
on a werid anf completely different note and oi dint know why my brain is thinking thesethinghs, i have come to a semi decision. children now, once i am off the seroxat and begore i go on moodstabilers before i start menopause, then after 2 babies, i can go on menopause and moodstavilsers. the reason why i came up with this is because when the time comes to have babues i will have come come off meds again and come off menipause then back on irt, it will be major distruption, this way things arte only disruptrupted once.
i also had a long hard think. if the plan above can go ahead then i can re-do my alevels, pass them (because i will then bestable and have no excuse) and do vetinary. i am capeable even if i vant spell it, i just need to have my brain wiorking. then i was looking thjough the manhester prospectus and say midwifry and also thought of that. i am capeable of so many things we will see, there is hopoe byt there is so much dispear
Dabns
this weekend has been too long. too many fke smailes, i told sams mum some ofmy depressuin etc but have kept to the long sleeves andnot mentioned that fact that i will be inpatient this time tomorrow.
i am so stressed and scared we have to drive home today (its 20 to 1) ione the way home we pass by pauls dad, hs 99 dont kow when i will next see him bbut dont know if i can keep the smiles, i dont think i can i am scared of it all going ape shit, esp as mum and paul will be there
get home huggle my kittens till they stop hating me, make some dinner for sam for through the week, get some wine started do some. kaundry huggle kittens mor and leace for hosp, dont know how long i will be there, dont kow what things i can takme. am so scared of loosing control, i have been fairly honst with my drs but not too honest, there are thingd i keep dark and hidden, what if they show, what if they see how crazy i am, they have assured me i can leave whenever i want but what if ilm a danger to othersm can i still leave?
then whatdo i do about my kittens, my wine, my cooking, my gardening? will they be able to feed me there i am so intolerant to everyh tng, i am so scared of being alone, so scared if loosing control.
on a werid anf completely different note and oi dint know why my brain is thinking thesethinghs, i have come to a semi decision. children now, once i am off the seroxat and begore i go on moodstabilers before i start menopause, then after 2 babies, i can go on menopause and moodstavilsers. the reason why i came up with this is because when the time comes to have babues i will have come come off meds again and come off menipause then back on irt, it will be major distruption, this way things arte only disruptrupted once.
i also had a long hard think. if the plan above can go ahead then i can re-do my alevels, pass them (because i will then bestable and have no excuse) and do vetinary. i am capeable even if i vant spell it, i just need to have my brain wiorking. then i was looking thjough the manhester prospectus and say midwifry and also thought of that. i am capeable of so many things we will see, there is hopoe byt there is so much dispear
Dabns