the saturday that would never come
charst's entry inspired me to write.
oh right, and its saturday. thank god for saturdays. im dicking around in a's clothes, eating m&ms, listening to UVMs cat's meow, and loving that its almost 1pm. HAH.
and really, its well-deserved. it has been a bitch of a week. i really wonder if certain parts of the world get affected with shittiness at the same time... like if somebody upstairs just decides, well damn, its time for northern california or southeast asia or northern africa to deal with some shit while the rest of the world recovers from their own histories for awhile. i mean what did the world do while we had new york blown to smitherines? what was going on in the united states when thailand was obliterated? are world wars a result of God's own procrastination? a fuck up of fate?
an accident because someone in charge wasnt paying close enough attention? because someone called in sick?
and then this makes me wonder if it is simply the people FROM certain areas. which, in a way, makes more sense than not. if you are from new york but not living in new york, chances are you were affected much more by 9-11 than someone like me (who has never had the pleasure of new york air in my lungs), simply because of remaining connections.
but then... is it northern california's time? (is it colorado's?) i mean we do have the governator AND pres bush. then again - we really have nothing to complain about.
these are just thoughts.
lots of things have been happening to california.
to people in california.
to people i love in california.
its been a shit-ass week. there has been a lot of turmoil in a's life which, for legal reasons, i will refrain from mentioning in any more detail. my heart has never yearned so intensely to comfort unreachable pain. its a hurt that, understandably, never goes away - i see it even in the most intimate and secretly happy moments. i suppose thats what family is to some people -- an extension of onesself. and when family is hurting, she cannot help but hurt. i see this.
what is more, i am slowly becoming family.
this unnameable hurt just under the skin is evidence enough.
so 'times are hard and rent is high' in her life. in our life.
and mine has made, this week, to only complicate it further. a distraction. a petty resistance of reality.
this, of course, indicates roommate problems. hah. 24 hours ago, this would have been all i could think about. it was all i could think about -- about the constantly changing gossip circulating through my apartment, from one thin wall to another, from one half-open door to the too-attentive ear in the next room and from one unspoken frustration to the next.
things are settling. i am settled. last night was enough for me -- coming home to realizing just how much one situation can hurt each of us so uniquely.
things are not, in a word, over. there is still much to say and probably more tears to come. i am prepared to be hurt by truth. i am ready for it.
i do not want to hurt, however; i see this as unavoidable at this point. yet, i have misunderstood other things recently, so -- yes yes, perhaps i am wrong.
perhaps i am wrong.
i think perhaps this whole fanagled situation is just a sign - a flashing light - this is a warning hurt in your mind, a stitch in your side -- you are beginning to think about taking your good fortune for granted.
here are five million reasons to remember how blessed you are.
how incredible the four women you live with are.
HOW INCREDIBLE ALL FOUR OF THE WOMEN YOU LIVE WITH ARE.
so incredible.
meghan, if anything ever happened to you i do not know what i would do. i love you - you are my sister. sappiness aside, this is truth: you understand and irritate me in a way that is so unique to the rest of the people in my life that can only mean a deeper understanding that i want to admit.
we have more happinesses and pains in common than we can comprehend.
we are both reaching for something so underrated that people have forgotten it exists.
we have the minds and the drive - not to mention the vision - to change things.
i want to start with our friendship. i have not appreciated you. i have generalized.
i wish you would read this. i wish i could swallow my pride to tell you without shying away from untread territory.
and if i had more time right now, i would try to articulate how i have not underestimated jenna and denise's abilities as women, but their capabilities as friends. i knew they were good friends and good people -- i had no idea they were so well-developed and *well-hidden* companions, though.
in other news, i am considering not going to mexico.
in other news, i am taking a to the ani difranco concert tomorrow night for valentine's day.
in other news, i want to write mish a fucking 8 page email but do not know if i can. i miss her. i hope she is well.
suz, love, you're in my prayers. i dont know what the fuck is going on. you're in my prayers.
payce ginas.
ps: i think i want to go to journalism school.
pps: im moving to new york.
ppps: its raining fucking buckets here and i want to go surfing. in my bed, that is. here i go.
oh right, and its saturday. thank god for saturdays. im dicking around in a's clothes, eating m&ms, listening to UVMs cat's meow, and loving that its almost 1pm. HAH.
and really, its well-deserved. it has been a bitch of a week. i really wonder if certain parts of the world get affected with shittiness at the same time... like if somebody upstairs just decides, well damn, its time for northern california or southeast asia or northern africa to deal with some shit while the rest of the world recovers from their own histories for awhile. i mean what did the world do while we had new york blown to smitherines? what was going on in the united states when thailand was obliterated? are world wars a result of God's own procrastination? a fuck up of fate?
an accident because someone in charge wasnt paying close enough attention? because someone called in sick?
and then this makes me wonder if it is simply the people FROM certain areas. which, in a way, makes more sense than not. if you are from new york but not living in new york, chances are you were affected much more by 9-11 than someone like me (who has never had the pleasure of new york air in my lungs), simply because of remaining connections.
but then... is it northern california's time? (is it colorado's?) i mean we do have the governator AND pres bush. then again - we really have nothing to complain about.
these are just thoughts.
lots of things have been happening to california.
to people in california.
to people i love in california.
its been a shit-ass week. there has been a lot of turmoil in a's life which, for legal reasons, i will refrain from mentioning in any more detail. my heart has never yearned so intensely to comfort unreachable pain. its a hurt that, understandably, never goes away - i see it even in the most intimate and secretly happy moments. i suppose thats what family is to some people -- an extension of onesself. and when family is hurting, she cannot help but hurt. i see this.
what is more, i am slowly becoming family.
this unnameable hurt just under the skin is evidence enough.
so 'times are hard and rent is high' in her life. in our life.
and mine has made, this week, to only complicate it further. a distraction. a petty resistance of reality.
this, of course, indicates roommate problems. hah. 24 hours ago, this would have been all i could think about. it was all i could think about -- about the constantly changing gossip circulating through my apartment, from one thin wall to another, from one half-open door to the too-attentive ear in the next room and from one unspoken frustration to the next.
things are settling. i am settled. last night was enough for me -- coming home to realizing just how much one situation can hurt each of us so uniquely.
things are not, in a word, over. there is still much to say and probably more tears to come. i am prepared to be hurt by truth. i am ready for it.
i do not want to hurt, however; i see this as unavoidable at this point. yet, i have misunderstood other things recently, so -- yes yes, perhaps i am wrong.
perhaps i am wrong.
i think perhaps this whole fanagled situation is just a sign - a flashing light - this is a warning hurt in your mind, a stitch in your side -- you are beginning to think about taking your good fortune for granted.
here are five million reasons to remember how blessed you are.
how incredible the four women you live with are.
HOW INCREDIBLE ALL FOUR OF THE WOMEN YOU LIVE WITH ARE.
so incredible.
meghan, if anything ever happened to you i do not know what i would do. i love you - you are my sister. sappiness aside, this is truth: you understand and irritate me in a way that is so unique to the rest of the people in my life that can only mean a deeper understanding that i want to admit.
we have more happinesses and pains in common than we can comprehend.
we are both reaching for something so underrated that people have forgotten it exists.
we have the minds and the drive - not to mention the vision - to change things.
i want to start with our friendship. i have not appreciated you. i have generalized.
i wish you would read this. i wish i could swallow my pride to tell you without shying away from untread territory.
and if i had more time right now, i would try to articulate how i have not underestimated jenna and denise's abilities as women, but their capabilities as friends. i knew they were good friends and good people -- i had no idea they were so well-developed and *well-hidden* companions, though.
in other news, i am considering not going to mexico.
in other news, i am taking a to the ani difranco concert tomorrow night for valentine's day.
in other news, i want to write mish a fucking 8 page email but do not know if i can. i miss her. i hope she is well.
suz, love, you're in my prayers. i dont know what the fuck is going on. you're in my prayers.
payce ginas.
ps: i think i want to go to journalism school.
pps: im moving to new york.
ppps: its raining fucking buckets here and i want to go surfing. in my bed, that is. here i go.