(no subject)
i always do this:
make some random ass (not random, but look at me downplay before i even explain it) comment about my personal, immediate 'now' and then leave it hanging so long that i come back to it thinking i was overreacting and fucking crazy.
so that's what im currently thinking about my last entry. but in truth? im a fucking jackass.
apparently im a control freak. yes yes okay so we all knew this -- and we know that im super moody and hold a strong front but am easily hurt and all that other mediocre bullshit that comes with being a pisces. like whoa.
but my control freakishness totally went berserk on my girlfriend the other night when i totally and completely shut down.
and all because of alcohol.
how fucked up.
really, there is no sense to make out of it because... well, there just isnt. its not even worth explaining. i drink. she drinks. tara drinks. other people i live with drink. but somehow when im not there to make sure that everyone is alright etc? i get all unsettled and crappified out. which is what happened. to the extreme. i reverted to introvertedly introvert meg of 1999 (and did not party like it, i guarantee it) and just shut down. i fucking shut down AT my girl. wtf mate. it was ridiculous.
and so i went home. fucking unbelievable that i was actually going to sleep without the girl for once? truth.
and i puddled around here for two hours, wrote a fucking CRAZY ASS email (i dare not post it here, youd all abandon me and my insane tendencies to write completely nonsense glib) and finally drove my ass BACK to her place at fucking 3 in the morning, woke her up, and talked her ear off about this shit that makes no sense. and yes, she got defensive. because in truth, i would have too. it makes no sense.
but she held it.
and perhaps it was one of those things that i just needed to say out loud in order to get over (because the next night i picked her up from the lax rookie party after i spent the whole night chatting it up at zanzibar in downtown pb) and i was fine. perhaps because i was the one picking her up? perhaps. perhaps because i knew i had control of the situation and would be there, in the end, to make sure everything was alright? perhaps.
but i realized, after not too much thinking, that this happens with everyone. i do the same thing when tara is drinking and im not there. like at melanies bday party - i wasnt taking her home, how do i know she got there okay? the rain was torrential that night. damn. see? look at me go into overprotective mode. damn.
so yes. i am a control freak. i love the ones i love. with intensity.
im working on it.
but she held it.
ps: that does not make me less of a crazy jackass. it just makes me a crazy jackass with an amazing girlfriend.
pps: zanzibar was fucking amazing. jon learned asl, lsf, and french just for peggy. whoa.
ppps: went to the lgbt dance on campus last night. saw a girl from notre dame who goes to state, of all places... with her boyfriend. hm. was fun, but good god, MISH! I MISS DANCING WITH YOU!
make some random ass (not random, but look at me downplay before i even explain it) comment about my personal, immediate 'now' and then leave it hanging so long that i come back to it thinking i was overreacting and fucking crazy.
so that's what im currently thinking about my last entry. but in truth? im a fucking jackass.
apparently im a control freak. yes yes okay so we all knew this -- and we know that im super moody and hold a strong front but am easily hurt and all that other mediocre bullshit that comes with being a pisces. like whoa.
but my control freakishness totally went berserk on my girlfriend the other night when i totally and completely shut down.
and all because of alcohol.
how fucked up.
really, there is no sense to make out of it because... well, there just isnt. its not even worth explaining. i drink. she drinks. tara drinks. other people i live with drink. but somehow when im not there to make sure that everyone is alright etc? i get all unsettled and crappified out. which is what happened. to the extreme. i reverted to introvertedly introvert meg of 1999 (and did not party like it, i guarantee it) and just shut down. i fucking shut down AT my girl. wtf mate. it was ridiculous.
and so i went home. fucking unbelievable that i was actually going to sleep without the girl for once? truth.
and i puddled around here for two hours, wrote a fucking CRAZY ASS email (i dare not post it here, youd all abandon me and my insane tendencies to write completely nonsense glib) and finally drove my ass BACK to her place at fucking 3 in the morning, woke her up, and talked her ear off about this shit that makes no sense. and yes, she got defensive. because in truth, i would have too. it makes no sense.
but she held it.
and perhaps it was one of those things that i just needed to say out loud in order to get over (because the next night i picked her up from the lax rookie party after i spent the whole night chatting it up at zanzibar in downtown pb) and i was fine. perhaps because i was the one picking her up? perhaps. perhaps because i knew i had control of the situation and would be there, in the end, to make sure everything was alright? perhaps.
but i realized, after not too much thinking, that this happens with everyone. i do the same thing when tara is drinking and im not there. like at melanies bday party - i wasnt taking her home, how do i know she got there okay? the rain was torrential that night. damn. see? look at me go into overprotective mode. damn.
so yes. i am a control freak. i love the ones i love. with intensity.
im working on it.
but she held it.
ps: that does not make me less of a crazy jackass. it just makes me a crazy jackass with an amazing girlfriend.
pps: zanzibar was fucking amazing. jon learned asl, lsf, and french just for peggy. whoa.
ppps: went to the lgbt dance on campus last night. saw a girl from notre dame who goes to state, of all places... with her boyfriend. hm. was fun, but good god, MISH! I MISS DANCING WITH YOU!