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benjamin_carey

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Oct 27, 2003 00:51

This is for Karl so he'll calm down and stop worrying about me. If he'd checked my room he would have seen that I did make it back, but I was a wreck, so maybe I'm glad he didn't come in. I don't know. Last night gave me a lot of time to think, and I don't know if I'm ready to face what is staring me down right now ( Read more... )

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klgrem October 27 2003, 04:22:06 UTC

Oh, Ben. *Hugs*
I'm a bit behind, so I've got a lot of catching up to do.
I don't know exactly what to tell you. You will probably need to talk to them.
I hope you can find some peace in your heart. *Hugs*

Linda

benjamin_carey October 27 2003, 04:29:57 UTC

Thanks Linda.

I kinda talked to Karl, but it was rushed and not thought out. I just kind of babbled it out then passed out on my bed. I didn't get a responce, but I'll probably get a loud one today.

I'm hoping my heart will let me have peace.

Aren't we a pair? the_nut_house October 27 2003, 04:50:42 UTC

Ben, Mate, Bud, Dude, my friend, you and I are more alike than you probably think. I understand. Went through the same thing. Honest. A long, long time ago, when we were still on the road. I've never had the "okay this is the way I am so come on let's play" attitude Lee has--god how I've envied that about him. He sees, he wants, he goes for it, to hell what everyone else thinks (though I think I did finally embarrass him for once). So, you're not straight. That means you're gay. I suppose. I...I've been in love with Lee for a long time but it's funny, I've never thought of myself as gay. I just happen to be in love with a man I've been attracted to for years. I don't know, Ben, I hate labels. They're confining. I do know I felt the same--all those endless lovely willing bodies I should've loved every bit of, left me cold and feeling empty inside. I thought something was wrong with me, too. Especially when I realized my attentions were focused on Lee. Lee! I mean, LEE? Talk about a lost cause ( ... )

Re: Aren't we a pair? benjamin_carey October 27 2003, 05:31:48 UTC

I know it's a lable, and I don't really care for it either. And it's not that I'm totally gay either, because I know I'm not going to be giving up on ladies either, I'm just not getting anywhere. You know what I mean. It's just uncharted territory for me, and that's what gets to me.

The difference between me and you is...I'm not going after anything in particular. You knew what you wanted, and you eventually got it. I don't know what I want, don't know if I ever did. I'm as lost now as I ever was. I don't know why you put up with my indecisiveness so much.

Re: Aren't we a pair? the_nut_house October 27 2003, 07:51:08 UTC

Ben, Mate, this new layout is awesome--you're gonna have to fix me up!

Anyway, of course I'll put up with you. I'll be the bear now this week, I think. Sorry Lee and I...picked at each other all morning, and he left early over something I said. I'll tell you about it later. I'm sure as hell no expert where it comes to figuring things out like this.

Where's Anna-Maria when we need her? She should be winging her way to LA now.

Up for some Starbucks? I need some caffeine.

Karl, grabbing Wally's leash

Re: Aren't we a pair? klgrem October 29 2003, 05:29:34 UTC

Ben, I'm so glad I came over from the_nut_house to read your lj. I told Karl you seemed a bit down, but I had no idea what you were going through. I'm sorry that you're lonely. Traveling a lot can do that to you - ask me, I know. But it seems like there is more to what you are dealing with than loneliness or confusion about what happened with Karl and Lee. Karl's right. "Gay" is just a label. What really happened was that Karl fell in love with Lee and I'd like to think, to believe, that that would have happened regardless of whether Lee was a male or female. It just seems to me that love is more complicated than gender. And maybe you reacted to Karl and Lee because you realized the power of what they share. And maybe you are "gay", but is that really what the problem is here ( ... )

the_nut_house October 27 2003, 04:51:56 UTC

I hope you can find some peace in your heart. *Hugs*

Linda, hey, I'm going to try to help Ben--at least avoid the hell I put myself through (though he has a good start on it already, doesn't he?).

Karl

benjamin_carey October 27 2003, 05:32:29 UTC

:-P

klgrem October 27 2003, 07:03:32 UTC

Yes, he does. But it's good you're there for him.

Linda

the_nut_house October 27 2003, 07:54:55 UTC

He's here for me, too, Linda.

It's going to be a long week, I think.

Karl, depressed, but trying to snap out of it--we'll be okay

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