Conflicted
There are different parts of myself that cry out to be expressed, and I don't know how to reconcile them. I feel that to really express these things requires a level of commitment and dedication that leads to the sort of quandary I described in my last post, namely that you can't do all of them. But when I choose one, I feel restless, like the other part is struggling to get out. Am I making this unnecessarily difficult? Are things really so mutually exclusive? Do I have to do these things at a high or professional level to be satisfied, or is that a hold-over from a thinking pattern I don't need anymore? I don't have these answers. I just know that I'm very often conflicted and I run these same ideas around and around in my head. So maybe there's some way I can change my thinking to alleviate this?
Today was one of those days where I remember that inside of me there's a strong need to perform, and specifically body oriented or very theatrical performing. Piano playing doesn't fit this bill. Singing lieder and art songs doesn't fit this bill. Yet these are the kinds of music I like and respect. I don't like opera or musical theater, but I like that kind of performing, and I crave it. Body kinds of performance like dance and circus arts seem even more enticing. And yet, I have a hunch that if stopped studying piano in favor of one these other things, I might feel the same way in reverse. Not necessarily the grass always being greener, but needing to hoard all the grass at the same time.
I've been dealing with basically the same issue for at least 8ish years. Too many things I want to do, not enough time. I've gotten much much better about narrowing my focus and not overloading my schedule, but clearly I've still got a long way to go. Why can't I ever just be satisfied with what I'm doing instead of wanting and missing the things I'm not? I've been striving to find balance with this for so long that I start to wonder if I even can. I know it must be possible, but I don't know what I need to change. As I said in the first paragraph, there must be something in my thought patterns, or in the expectations I hold on to for myself, or how I am trying to define happiness and success, or....I don't know. But there has to be something there, because I refuse to believe that it is impossible to balance your interests.
I'm at something of a loss. Any ideas?
Today was one of those days where I remember that inside of me there's a strong need to perform, and specifically body oriented or very theatrical performing. Piano playing doesn't fit this bill. Singing lieder and art songs doesn't fit this bill. Yet these are the kinds of music I like and respect. I don't like opera or musical theater, but I like that kind of performing, and I crave it. Body kinds of performance like dance and circus arts seem even more enticing. And yet, I have a hunch that if stopped studying piano in favor of one these other things, I might feel the same way in reverse. Not necessarily the grass always being greener, but needing to hoard all the grass at the same time.
I've been dealing with basically the same issue for at least 8ish years. Too many things I want to do, not enough time. I've gotten much much better about narrowing my focus and not overloading my schedule, but clearly I've still got a long way to go. Why can't I ever just be satisfied with what I'm doing instead of wanting and missing the things I'm not? I've been striving to find balance with this for so long that I start to wonder if I even can. I know it must be possible, but I don't know what I need to change. As I said in the first paragraph, there must be something in my thought patterns, or in the expectations I hold on to for myself, or how I am trying to define happiness and success, or....I don't know. But there has to be something there, because I refuse to believe that it is impossible to balance your interests.
I'm at something of a loss. Any ideas?