What is missing in my life
I'm sitting at my desk, trying to figure out why I'm vaguely dissatisfied. I'm contemplating my growing to do list, loose ends that need taking care of. Mostly, these to do items are fairly simple. Put away laundry. Put away camping gear. Sort papers. Respond to emails. Put new grip tape on bike. Print out the form to decline the accompanying scholarship they offered me. The fact that the list continues to grow even though the tasks are simple is symptomatic of my general dissatisfaction. I'm unhappy, so I avoid doing the things that need to be done. That is my pattern.
To be clear, I'm not truly unhappy. I'm in a better place overall than I've been in some time. For the first time in years, I have a reasonably clear sense of direction. I am in school pursuing something I truly love. Here's what is missing:
1. School is good, but it has yet to excite me. I'm practicing the piano, but it's not going anywhere yet. I don't feel like I'm making progress. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not content to go through the motions. I'm ready to buckle down and do something. My studies need to mean something, or it wastes my time. I have far from given up on the piano, or my piano teacher, or the school, but I'm very aware that it still feels like waiting. I'm afraid that by the time things really get rolling in my piano lessons I'll be halfway through my degree already. I don't want to wait that long. I know what it feels like when the material excites me, or when I can see that I'm on a productive path, and I need that feeling to make this worthwhile. Composition class is good, and composing excites me, but this is a meager introduction. I only spend 1 day every couple weeks writing music. So far, the thing that has excited me most was contemplating what it could be like to be a conductor. Again though, my conducting class is not enough to fill the void. If it's going to be conducting for me, then it needs to be a focus and not a sidelight.
2. I need friends and love. I have planted a few seeds, but I basically have no friends and no social life. I miss touch. I get no hugs. I miss having a girlfriend. I want a companion to eat with, study with, come home to, sleep next to. The kind of relationship that exists more in shared space and less in structured activities together, like I had with Christine and Candy. The Burning Man decompression last weekend makes me feel this all the more acutely. I had a wonderful time, and made some good friends I'm staying in touch with. The ease of interaction I felt with many people there stands in stark contrast to my experience with people here. I want friends who accept and include me without me having to constantly put forth effort to make anything happen. It's exhausting to keep putting yourself out there.
To be clear, I'm not truly unhappy. I'm in a better place overall than I've been in some time. For the first time in years, I have a reasonably clear sense of direction. I am in school pursuing something I truly love. Here's what is missing:
1. School is good, but it has yet to excite me. I'm practicing the piano, but it's not going anywhere yet. I don't feel like I'm making progress. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not content to go through the motions. I'm ready to buckle down and do something. My studies need to mean something, or it wastes my time. I have far from given up on the piano, or my piano teacher, or the school, but I'm very aware that it still feels like waiting. I'm afraid that by the time things really get rolling in my piano lessons I'll be halfway through my degree already. I don't want to wait that long. I know what it feels like when the material excites me, or when I can see that I'm on a productive path, and I need that feeling to make this worthwhile. Composition class is good, and composing excites me, but this is a meager introduction. I only spend 1 day every couple weeks writing music. So far, the thing that has excited me most was contemplating what it could be like to be a conductor. Again though, my conducting class is not enough to fill the void. If it's going to be conducting for me, then it needs to be a focus and not a sidelight.
2. I need friends and love. I have planted a few seeds, but I basically have no friends and no social life. I miss touch. I get no hugs. I miss having a girlfriend. I want a companion to eat with, study with, come home to, sleep next to. The kind of relationship that exists more in shared space and less in structured activities together, like I had with Christine and Candy. The Burning Man decompression last weekend makes me feel this all the more acutely. I had a wonderful time, and made some good friends I'm staying in touch with. The ease of interaction I felt with many people there stands in stark contrast to my experience with people here. I want friends who accept and include me without me having to constantly put forth effort to make anything happen. It's exhausting to keep putting yourself out there.