You know what sucks? Everything.*
Look at me not being dead \o/ (Shush, it's a totally valid achievement.)
Anywho, I'm feeling introspective and there's no one in the house (I have no idea why but maybe the folks are at a reception? not that they tell me anything) and squish is off being a student and I'm caught up on Tumblr and listening to CHOM-FM (mah precious Montreal radio station of rock!) and so I guess I might as well write up a What The Fuck Is Going On With My Life although frankly it's basically just more of this so why even bother ugh.
Sometimes I remember I've been unemployed for a year and not really doing much to deal with that (because of course I forget about the paralyzing anxiety and worry and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOINGness and instead my brain thinks I've spent the year frolicking in the Valerian fields which are they even a thing? when really I did send out applications and I went to Manchester although that was a great cock-up) and then I sink into the Great Pits of Despair with the all the Dodos of Doom and all other manner of imaginary representations of woes.
And sometimes I think about well, moving off to Germany and taking a course at the Goethe Institut so I'll at least be doing something while I look for a job but then I think about how well how is that helping anything (except of course of the whole me living independently if not financially at least physically and possibly also me going out and talking to people although yeah right who are we kidding right) because well a twenty-nine year old in that kind of situation is Not Good.
And now my CV has a year-long gap and I can't exactly say BUT I WROTE THINGS! AND A NOVEL! AND I WAS CRIPPLED BY NOT CARING ABOUT ANYTHING! AND HYPERVENTILATING AND HIDING UNDER TABLES! YES! TABLES! NO I DON'T HAVE A PAPER SAYING I WAS SAD! although my brother did say last year when I went to visit that I should go see a psychologist or therapist or whatever - someone - and I actually looked up English-language people here in Rome when my mom did her whole IMMA KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE I WANT YOU TO BE SOCIAL thing but well neither of those things happened.
And it's not like the move to Germany or even the re-studying German is my idea. It's mom's idea, just like studying in the Netherlands was her idea, just like moving to Spain was her idea because dad didn't mention that I could fucking stay in Canada after graduating because visa's are funky that way what with giving you a few months to find a job or something.
But at least it's an idea, right?
But whenever I think about the future it's just this gaping black hole of I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCKness. No idea. No wants. No wishes, hopes, desires. (Well okay maybe I'm still holding out for a cabin or open to the idea of raising sheep in Australia while I cackle madly about not giving a fuck but these are not real things okay.) I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where I want to do it or anything.
Okay no I'd like a cat at some point.
Or hamster.
Or maybe a rat.
Life goals, yo.
So yeah it's hard to get my ass in gear when 1) I don't know what I'm doing and 2) it scares the shit out of me and 3) I don't see the point.
Okay, you know what, maybe I should just not write these things because thinking about it isn't helping. Sure it'd be great if I could sit down with someone who had a fucking CLUE and I could talk with them about LIFE CHOICES AND WHAT TO DO WITH THEM but my family is only all about the guilt and the YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YOU ARE A FAILURE which yes I know but telling me to DO SOMETHING when I don't know WHAT TO DO is telling me to run when I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I'm screaming WHERE TO?
Okay maybe that metaphor is a bit not good.
Good visual, though.
When I was in Barcelona a few months ago, a friend (well the husband of my mom's friend from school and also my ex-boss and look it's complicated okay let's just leave it at Older Generation Friend Person) was trying to sit me down and ask WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? and I couldn't get it into his head that I HAD NO IDEA.
(Anyone who says writing professionally will be shot in the face because THIS IS NOT A VIABLE SOLUTION okay at least not for right now. When I have a home and job then maybe maybe I can see about that but none of my shit is going to even get me a slice of bread right now so it's not going to be something I can live off anytime soon if ever although seriously FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKING GRAY I can't even.)
Although I do like collecting baking recipes (not that I bake because my mom would be all Disapproving Face at that) so maybe my secret desire is to be a baker person.
Yeah right.
Okay I'm shutting up now because this isn't helping and seriously everything is exactly the same as that Tumblr post from way back when.
In other news, I want to do things to Supernatural's Benny Lafitte (and when the hell did we learn his last name?) and he's giving me all kinds of feels because really fucking interesting character holy gods give me all the backstory and analysis and where is all the fic?! If you want to see me descend into madness over on Tumblr, here's his tag and also this one.
In other other news, seschat and I made a mix:
Random:
chaosvizier's flocked NaNoWriMo Novel, Part 1
PhD Comics' video The Fingerprint of Stars
* Scott Pilgrim
Anywho, I'm feeling introspective and there's no one in the house (I have no idea why but maybe the folks are at a reception? not that they tell me anything) and squish is off being a student and I'm caught up on Tumblr and listening to CHOM-FM (mah precious Montreal radio station of rock!) and so I guess I might as well write up a What The Fuck Is Going On With My Life although frankly it's basically just more of this so why even bother ugh.
Sometimes I remember I've been unemployed for a year and not really doing much to deal with that (because of course I forget about the paralyzing anxiety and worry and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOINGness and instead my brain thinks I've spent the year frolicking in the Valerian fields which are they even a thing? when really I did send out applications and I went to Manchester although that was a great cock-up) and then I sink into the Great Pits of Despair with the all the Dodos of Doom and all other manner of imaginary representations of woes.
And sometimes I think about well, moving off to Germany and taking a course at the Goethe Institut so I'll at least be doing something while I look for a job but then I think about how well how is that helping anything (except of course of the whole me living independently if not financially at least physically and possibly also me going out and talking to people although yeah right who are we kidding right) because well a twenty-nine year old in that kind of situation is Not Good.
And now my CV has a year-long gap and I can't exactly say BUT I WROTE THINGS! AND A NOVEL! AND I WAS CRIPPLED BY NOT CARING ABOUT ANYTHING! AND HYPERVENTILATING AND HIDING UNDER TABLES! YES! TABLES! NO I DON'T HAVE A PAPER SAYING I WAS SAD! although my brother did say last year when I went to visit that I should go see a psychologist or therapist or whatever - someone - and I actually looked up English-language people here in Rome when my mom did her whole IMMA KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE I WANT YOU TO BE SOCIAL thing but well neither of those things happened.
And it's not like the move to Germany or even the re-studying German is my idea. It's mom's idea, just like studying in the Netherlands was her idea, just like moving to Spain was her idea because dad didn't mention that I could fucking stay in Canada after graduating because visa's are funky that way what with giving you a few months to find a job or something.
But at least it's an idea, right?
But whenever I think about the future it's just this gaping black hole of I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCKness. No idea. No wants. No wishes, hopes, desires. (Well okay maybe I'm still holding out for a cabin or open to the idea of raising sheep in Australia while I cackle madly about not giving a fuck but these are not real things okay.) I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where I want to do it or anything.
Okay no I'd like a cat at some point.
Or hamster.
Or maybe a rat.
Life goals, yo.
So yeah it's hard to get my ass in gear when 1) I don't know what I'm doing and 2) it scares the shit out of me and 3) I don't see the point.
Okay, you know what, maybe I should just not write these things because thinking about it isn't helping. Sure it'd be great if I could sit down with someone who had a fucking CLUE and I could talk with them about LIFE CHOICES AND WHAT TO DO WITH THEM but my family is only all about the guilt and the YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YOU ARE A FAILURE which yes I know but telling me to DO SOMETHING when I don't know WHAT TO DO is telling me to run when I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I'm screaming WHERE TO?
Okay maybe that metaphor is a bit not good.
Good visual, though.
When I was in Barcelona a few months ago, a friend (well the husband of my mom's friend from school and also my ex-boss and look it's complicated okay let's just leave it at Older Generation Friend Person) was trying to sit me down and ask WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? and I couldn't get it into his head that I HAD NO IDEA.
(Anyone who says writing professionally will be shot in the face because THIS IS NOT A VIABLE SOLUTION okay at least not for right now. When I have a home and job then maybe maybe I can see about that but none of my shit is going to even get me a slice of bread right now so it's not going to be something I can live off anytime soon if ever although seriously FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKING GRAY I can't even.)
Although I do like collecting baking recipes (not that I bake because my mom would be all Disapproving Face at that) so maybe my secret desire is to be a baker person.
Yeah right.
Okay I'm shutting up now because this isn't helping and seriously everything is exactly the same as that Tumblr post from way back when.
In other news, I want to do things to Supernatural's Benny Lafitte (and when the hell did we learn his last name?) and he's giving me all kinds of feels because really fucking interesting character holy gods give me all the backstory and analysis and where is all the fic?! If you want to see me descend into madness over on Tumblr, here's his tag and also this one.
In other other news, seschat and I made a mix:
Random:
chaosvizier's flocked NaNoWriMo Novel, Part 1
PhD Comics' video The Fingerprint of Stars
* Scott Pilgrim