What do you want to be when you grow up?*
Oh look it's an incoherent emotional post about life and work and fuckery. Move along.
Confession: I've done Jack and Squat about looking for a job. This means a) I suck and b) I don't even have a glimmer of hope after next week. So when my supervisor walks in a week before my internship hits the bucket and says, "Hey, we could extend your contract for up to five months (in the most maybe of ways)! or we could give you a volunteer position but still pay you!" what do I do? Break down into fucking tears, man. Break fucking down. (Once he's left, of course.)
Because for the past month work here has been sitting in an empty room not really doing all that much, waiting for feedback or for others to do stuff so I could sent it along like a glorified relay runner, and working on stuff that had been declared finished and done about a thousand times already and feeling like crap. I don't want to work here anymore. I mean suuuuure, fine, as a career thing, on paper, it's fantastic, wonderufl, great. (My mother would be over the fucking moon about this, so of course I can't talk to her about anything resembling career choices and doubts and "hey, maybe this isn't for me" because she just wants me to "get a job" and "be normal" because I am, of course, an abonormal crazy fuck-up.) Also, lack of unemployment is great, even though it's only great in that my CV won't be empty and I'll be getting experience, because of the whole "living with parents" and therefore not going to end up in a ditch somewhere (at least, not yet, because the maternal threats are just fantastic in this respect). But the headdesks and the fist-waving-at-the-screen and cursing-of-names...
That's not it, though. I just. This is not what I want to do and I just keep digging myself deeper because there's no other fucking option and I don't want to work here or live in this city with my goddamn fucking parents who are whittling me down to the crazy. But of course it's not like I can say, "No thanks, I don't want another five months of employment, I'd rather be unemployed!" knowing I could be unemployed for another fucking year given my track record, and I'd still be here in this fuck-up of a situation, and I can't even say, "No thanks! I'm waiting on a bunch of job aplications I sent out and that's working out great for me!" Just. What else can I do?
And on a ridiculously shallow note, I have worked 6 months and taken 1 week off, which is not even half of what I'm due, and if I were to take the five months I'd have to keep on right away, and I can't. I can't do this anymore because I will chew through the fucking mouse cable. I need a break. And apparently by the grace of supervisor I'd be allowed to take a week to get my passport renewed (I have the ticket! no one's taking it away from me!) but then it'd be workworkwork (which oh hai Christmas and New Years and fuuuuuuck).
Or not even because I've done shite this past month. I've run out of things to do. There is no work left. Supervisor's like, "Oh, there's always something," and my (silent, fuming, flailing) response is "Then why the fuck am I left hanging?!" and I just don't even care about this work. Fuck.
Why didn't I study something useful and good, like veterinary or whatever. And I can't even be a grumpy wanker of a bookstore owner anymore because oh hai Kindle. So I don't wawnt to do this for another five months where I'm hitting my head against a wall and nothing's going to come of it and if I stay here - organization, home, city - I might just die and I cannot keep it together anymore. Why can't I just empty out my accounts and rent a flat in some Scottish town and sell coffee or something?
So things are just happening and I'm letting them happen to me and I don't want them to and I don't know what to do because if they don't happen I'll be a fuck up but I don't want to be the person that these things happen to either. *decimates tissues*
Okay guys I just texted my old supervisor and asked her if she wanted to go for coffee on Friday. I'm that wrecked here. A possible contract extension should not make me feel like I'm dying or being thrown into the dungeons or chained to a fucking wall or other bad bad things of suck. And before all this happened I emailed a friend - well, friendly acquaintance - about coffee later because she saw me at the cafeteria this morning and said we must have coffee to talk about job situations and catch up and so forth but she hasn't replied and I might just end up crying all over the place and this is bad because there will be no crying in front of people but everything sucks and I don't know why or what I want and I've done crap about it so it's all on me anyway and oh just fuck it.
* Common expression
Confession: I've done Jack and Squat about looking for a job. This means a) I suck and b) I don't even have a glimmer of hope after next week. So when my supervisor walks in a week before my internship hits the bucket and says, "Hey, we could extend your contract for up to five months (in the most maybe of ways)! or we could give you a volunteer position but still pay you!" what do I do? Break down into fucking tears, man. Break fucking down. (Once he's left, of course.)
Because for the past month work here has been sitting in an empty room not really doing all that much, waiting for feedback or for others to do stuff so I could sent it along like a glorified relay runner, and working on stuff that had been declared finished and done about a thousand times already and feeling like crap. I don't want to work here anymore. I mean suuuuure, fine, as a career thing, on paper, it's fantastic, wonderufl, great. (My mother would be over the fucking moon about this, so of course I can't talk to her about anything resembling career choices and doubts and "hey, maybe this isn't for me" because she just wants me to "get a job" and "be normal" because I am, of course, an abonormal crazy fuck-up.) Also, lack of unemployment is great, even though it's only great in that my CV won't be empty and I'll be getting experience, because of the whole "living with parents" and therefore not going to end up in a ditch somewhere (at least, not yet, because the maternal threats are just fantastic in this respect). But the headdesks and the fist-waving-at-the-screen and cursing-of-names...
That's not it, though. I just. This is not what I want to do and I just keep digging myself deeper because there's no other fucking option and I don't want to work here or live in this city with my goddamn fucking parents who are whittling me down to the crazy. But of course it's not like I can say, "No thanks, I don't want another five months of employment, I'd rather be unemployed!" knowing I could be unemployed for another fucking year given my track record, and I'd still be here in this fuck-up of a situation, and I can't even say, "No thanks! I'm waiting on a bunch of job aplications I sent out and that's working out great for me!" Just. What else can I do?
And on a ridiculously shallow note, I have worked 6 months and taken 1 week off, which is not even half of what I'm due, and if I were to take the five months I'd have to keep on right away, and I can't. I can't do this anymore because I will chew through the fucking mouse cable. I need a break. And apparently by the grace of supervisor I'd be allowed to take a week to get my passport renewed (I have the ticket! no one's taking it away from me!) but then it'd be workworkwork (which oh hai Christmas and New Years and fuuuuuuck).
Or not even because I've done shite this past month. I've run out of things to do. There is no work left. Supervisor's like, "Oh, there's always something," and my (silent, fuming, flailing) response is "Then why the fuck am I left hanging?!" and I just don't even care about this work. Fuck.
Why didn't I study something useful and good, like veterinary or whatever. And I can't even be a grumpy wanker of a bookstore owner anymore because oh hai Kindle. So I don't wawnt to do this for another five months where I'm hitting my head against a wall and nothing's going to come of it and if I stay here - organization, home, city - I might just die and I cannot keep it together anymore. Why can't I just empty out my accounts and rent a flat in some Scottish town and sell coffee or something?
So things are just happening and I'm letting them happen to me and I don't want them to and I don't know what to do because if they don't happen I'll be a fuck up but I don't want to be the person that these things happen to either. *decimates tissues*
Okay guys I just texted my old supervisor and asked her if she wanted to go for coffee on Friday. I'm that wrecked here. A possible contract extension should not make me feel like I'm dying or being thrown into the dungeons or chained to a fucking wall or other bad bad things of suck. And before all this happened I emailed a friend - well, friendly acquaintance - about coffee later because she saw me at the cafeteria this morning and said we must have coffee to talk about job situations and catch up and so forth but she hasn't replied and I might just end up crying all over the place and this is bad because there will be no crying in front of people but everything sucks and I don't know why or what I want and I've done crap about it so it's all on me anyway and oh just fuck it.
* Common expression