Everything's wrong*
So I'm going to type this out because it's either this or crying in huge stupid sobs or maybe the balcony or just drowning in martini or something. I don't even know where to start because it feels like I might as well start from the very day I was born, when my parent's first met, or when the universe first exploded into bits.
But I think I'll start with saying that yesterday I had a huge tiff with my parents - over lunch, always over lunch, so that I end up stabbing lettuce and choking down food like a starving mongrel, stuffing myself before the hunger sensations even start shutting down. I don't even really remember the fight.
I mean, it started off with us talking about Italian pronunciation and how it's all very easy except for some small rules of letter-pairs and then mom gave and example, then I gave an example but I fucked it up a little and tried to correct my pronunciation but by that time my mom was at her favorite game of all which is correcting whatever I say whether it be facts, grammer, exact perfect word choice, whatever, without actually ever acknowledging what's been said. It gets so that I can barely communicate with her because all she seems to care about is if I say it right. I mean, I could say that I'm going to go and throw myself of the balc' and she's be all "It's balcony". Actually, no, she'd just laugh and say good riddance and yes, this has happened, just like when I told her that I was thinking of submitting a short story and all she could think to say was "great,maybe you'll be able to buy a castle with all the money and live happily ever after" which is not in any way shape or form anything like supportive.
So she corrects my pronunciation before I can do it myself and she's all "it's important" and I'm a tiny bit fucking upset because no, it isn't, what's important is that we were talking and no she's gone and fucked it up and it just went downhill from there and I may've hurt the table with some fork-pounding but by then I was being called an ungrateful horrible child and how I'm this age and still living with my parents (and oh hai it was you're fucking idea, mom) and all that shit which is enough to break your fucking soul.
This explains why instead of going out as planned with my mother to watch Inception, she stayed in and I finally went to the dog park (because I'm a bitch, right? hardy har fucking dar) and knit for a couple of hours listening to Quite Ugly One Morning completely out of order.
And today I tried to make peace which is stupid because no one's ever apologized to anyone in this family in the history of ever excapt that one time I did to my dad because he wasn't talking to me and apparently what I said was omg horrible except it wasn't and it barely touching the iceberg of hell that we've been saying to each other in this family anyway. But apparently we're all about apologizing and taking each other as we come and understanding that that's the way we are and all that fuck which only applies to me because I'm the one who's supposed to take being called a fucking useless piece of shit and a monster and a horrible child and a waste of space and all that shit because "she's your mother, and you know how she is" and "you have to apologize!" and who the fuck is going to apologize to me and make me feel better and understand that maybe I'm going a tiny bit insane by always being told how much I fucking Isuck and oh yes, oh yes,I forgot, having each parent use the other's name on me as a fucking insult, with my mother saying, "Smith. You're completely Smith" with disgust just dripping off, where Smith isn't my father's last name but let's pretend it is, and my father saying "Right, Mary, I mean Sickle" because I'm acting just like my mother and that's just awful and how dare they use the other as a n insult to me, how the fuck do they think it feels for each parent to hold the other in such low esteem that they both use the "you're just like your other parent" especially when they hate each other so much and so loudly and even drag me in the middle by telling me what's so annoying about other parent and how other parent is doing so and so wrong and it's mainly my mother but then my dad is lately trying to be all supportive father which is a filthy fucking lie because he's never been a good father and has never been involved and then there's the whole "oh yeah, good luck living on your own iwht your mom (and occasionally brother), I'm off to work in that other country now, see you when you catch up" and "oh hey, it's your birthday but I'm far away because I decided to take some holidays now rather than when you and your brother had school holidays" and all that shite so how dare he try and pull the understandin "I love you, daughter of mine" shit.
Anyway today I realized, staring at the October calendar, that my Spanish ID would up and die at the end of the moth so I told mom and she does the "I don't have a fucking clue, you fucking moron" fake-face and then shouted at me because "you've only just realized this now?!?" as if I were supposed to have a little voice in my ear every day saying, "your ID expires in T minus 6 months... T minus 5 months" and so on and yes, I just fucking realized this after the first time we both realized it way back in what, wee 2010's early days?
And so there was shouting at me because I'm a useless piece of shit who can't do anything and can't think half a year ahead and has teh prescience of an oyster on crack and then after a bunch of crying and compartmentalizing and then some googling I realized that I could only get a new ID on national soil and that hey, it's okay because my passport is still alive and kicking so whenever I go to Nation I can get the ID all fixed up so there's no reason to panic and die and shout at me and so I tell mom and again with the "you just realized this" and hey, maybe you could've fucking told me if you knew instead of shouting at me and so everyone is outside on the balcony and by everyone I mean my parents all ladida with drinks and yummies and I'm in my room because fuck that shit if I'm going to sit with them and oh, oh, apparently I'm also completely incapable of hanging out a pair of pants or cleaning a shirt or something and hey, mom, I've been doing that for years (although she'd probably - and has, in fact - say that I'm doing it wrong) and if I had a fucking laundry basket of my own, I'd be glad to do my laundry and it'd be like I'm not even here which is what she want's anyway although she's all "I don't think you really want a job" and "you're just going to suck us dry of money" and "the money I spent on you" yeah like that wind-up radio she sent to Kenya when I told her not to, even when I was in Canada, telling her not to buy it, and in Kenya I told her we barely got radio reception anyway so don't fucking buy it I don't want it and she bought it anyway and an expensive one and said that it was so that I could give it to someone who'd helped me out during the research but I never wanted it and it was expensive and now she throws the money in my face as if I asked for it and the same goes for a lot of other fucking sacrifices, "oh, the things I did for you" well newsflash you didn't have to so don't throw it in my face that you did, like making me take that Teaching English as a Second Language when I'd rather stick my hands in a lawnmower that teach anything ever and I'd never wanted to take the course or teach and guess what, that means that I won't ever pursue a career in teaching English even as a fucking back up because I'd rather die and so you can't say that "oh, the money we spent on you" because you know I didn't want it and so yes it's wasted because no one ever fucking listens to me except for grammatical errors and it's no wonder I can hardly talk at times anymore all stupid stutter and blocked sentences and it's stupid and annoying but you should know your daughter well enough or at least ask and talk to her who is me about shit, and not say "you never tell me anything" when I never tell you anything because you never care when I do tell you things or outright mock with the castles in the fucking air "what do you mean you're submitting a story for publication" and oh yeah, with the fucking crying when I told you "I like this guy and he likes me back" well fuck that, I'm never telling you about the boyfriend even if I'm on the fucking rack because you don't care or listen and are a fucking bitch to me and say everything I do is wrongwrongwrong and I'm just wrongwrongwrong and useless and will never amount to anything and so I feel I might as well just drop dead because what's the fucking point anyway.
ETA: Next week we'll be driving further up north across borders and apparently now it's okay for me to go with although a few weeks ago mom was all omg when I accidentally used we instead of you-plural when talking about the trip because of course I don't have the fucking time to go galavanting about Europe, how the fuck and how dare I assume to go on holiday with my parents, and now it's all "oh squee, the places I want to take you" and whatever. The good thing is that I'll be back a whole week without them as they galavant through Spain. Fuck you. I'd rather you kick me to the curb but love me than do what you're doing now.
* Crossfade, "Everything's Wrong"
But I think I'll start with saying that yesterday I had a huge tiff with my parents - over lunch, always over lunch, so that I end up stabbing lettuce and choking down food like a starving mongrel, stuffing myself before the hunger sensations even start shutting down. I don't even really remember the fight.
I mean, it started off with us talking about Italian pronunciation and how it's all very easy except for some small rules of letter-pairs and then mom gave and example, then I gave an example but I fucked it up a little and tried to correct my pronunciation but by that time my mom was at her favorite game of all which is correcting whatever I say whether it be facts, grammer, exact perfect word choice, whatever, without actually ever acknowledging what's been said. It gets so that I can barely communicate with her because all she seems to care about is if I say it right. I mean, I could say that I'm going to go and throw myself of the balc' and she's be all "It's balcony". Actually, no, she'd just laugh and say good riddance and yes, this has happened, just like when I told her that I was thinking of submitting a short story and all she could think to say was "great,maybe you'll be able to buy a castle with all the money and live happily ever after" which is not in any way shape or form anything like supportive.
So she corrects my pronunciation before I can do it myself and she's all "it's important" and I'm a tiny bit fucking upset because no, it isn't, what's important is that we were talking and no she's gone and fucked it up and it just went downhill from there and I may've hurt the table with some fork-pounding but by then I was being called an ungrateful horrible child and how I'm this age and still living with my parents (and oh hai it was you're fucking idea, mom) and all that shit which is enough to break your fucking soul.
This explains why instead of going out as planned with my mother to watch Inception, she stayed in and I finally went to the dog park (because I'm a bitch, right? hardy har fucking dar) and knit for a couple of hours listening to Quite Ugly One Morning completely out of order.
And today I tried to make peace which is stupid because no one's ever apologized to anyone in this family in the history of ever excapt that one time I did to my dad because he wasn't talking to me and apparently what I said was omg horrible except it wasn't and it barely touching the iceberg of hell that we've been saying to each other in this family anyway. But apparently we're all about apologizing and taking each other as we come and understanding that that's the way we are and all that fuck which only applies to me because I'm the one who's supposed to take being called a fucking useless piece of shit and a monster and a horrible child and a waste of space and all that shit because "she's your mother, and you know how she is" and "you have to apologize!" and who the fuck is going to apologize to me and make me feel better and understand that maybe I'm going a tiny bit insane by always being told how much I fucking Isuck and oh yes, oh yes,I forgot, having each parent use the other's name on me as a fucking insult, with my mother saying, "Smith. You're completely Smith" with disgust just dripping off, where Smith isn't my father's last name but let's pretend it is, and my father saying "Right, Mary, I mean Sickle" because I'm acting just like my mother and that's just awful and how dare they use the other as a n insult to me, how the fuck do they think it feels for each parent to hold the other in such low esteem that they both use the "you're just like your other parent" especially when they hate each other so much and so loudly and even drag me in the middle by telling me what's so annoying about other parent and how other parent is doing so and so wrong and it's mainly my mother but then my dad is lately trying to be all supportive father which is a filthy fucking lie because he's never been a good father and has never been involved and then there's the whole "oh yeah, good luck living on your own iwht your mom (and occasionally brother), I'm off to work in that other country now, see you when you catch up" and "oh hey, it's your birthday but I'm far away because I decided to take some holidays now rather than when you and your brother had school holidays" and all that shite so how dare he try and pull the understandin "I love you, daughter of mine" shit.
Anyway today I realized, staring at the October calendar, that my Spanish ID would up and die at the end of the moth so I told mom and she does the "I don't have a fucking clue, you fucking moron" fake-face and then shouted at me because "you've only just realized this now?!?" as if I were supposed to have a little voice in my ear every day saying, "your ID expires in T minus 6 months... T minus 5 months" and so on and yes, I just fucking realized this after the first time we both realized it way back in what, wee 2010's early days?
And so there was shouting at me because I'm a useless piece of shit who can't do anything and can't think half a year ahead and has teh prescience of an oyster on crack and then after a bunch of crying and compartmentalizing and then some googling I realized that I could only get a new ID on national soil and that hey, it's okay because my passport is still alive and kicking so whenever I go to Nation I can get the ID all fixed up so there's no reason to panic and die and shout at me and so I tell mom and again with the "you just realized this" and hey, maybe you could've fucking told me if you knew instead of shouting at me and so everyone is outside on the balcony and by everyone I mean my parents all ladida with drinks and yummies and I'm in my room because fuck that shit if I'm going to sit with them and oh, oh, apparently I'm also completely incapable of hanging out a pair of pants or cleaning a shirt or something and hey, mom, I've been doing that for years (although she'd probably - and has, in fact - say that I'm doing it wrong) and if I had a fucking laundry basket of my own, I'd be glad to do my laundry and it'd be like I'm not even here which is what she want's anyway although she's all "I don't think you really want a job" and "you're just going to suck us dry of money" and "the money I spent on you" yeah like that wind-up radio she sent to Kenya when I told her not to, even when I was in Canada, telling her not to buy it, and in Kenya I told her we barely got radio reception anyway so don't fucking buy it I don't want it and she bought it anyway and an expensive one and said that it was so that I could give it to someone who'd helped me out during the research but I never wanted it and it was expensive and now she throws the money in my face as if I asked for it and the same goes for a lot of other fucking sacrifices, "oh, the things I did for you" well newsflash you didn't have to so don't throw it in my face that you did, like making me take that Teaching English as a Second Language when I'd rather stick my hands in a lawnmower that teach anything ever and I'd never wanted to take the course or teach and guess what, that means that I won't ever pursue a career in teaching English even as a fucking back up because I'd rather die and so you can't say that "oh, the money we spent on you" because you know I didn't want it and so yes it's wasted because no one ever fucking listens to me except for grammatical errors and it's no wonder I can hardly talk at times anymore all stupid stutter and blocked sentences and it's stupid and annoying but you should know your daughter well enough or at least ask and talk to her who is me about shit, and not say "you never tell me anything" when I never tell you anything because you never care when I do tell you things or outright mock with the castles in the fucking air "what do you mean you're submitting a story for publication" and oh yeah, with the fucking crying when I told you "I like this guy and he likes me back" well fuck that, I'm never telling you about the boyfriend even if I'm on the fucking rack because you don't care or listen and are a fucking bitch to me and say everything I do is wrongwrongwrong and I'm just wrongwrongwrong and useless and will never amount to anything and so I feel I might as well just drop dead because what's the fucking point anyway.
ETA: Next week we'll be driving further up north across borders and apparently now it's okay for me to go with although a few weeks ago mom was all omg when I accidentally used we instead of you-plural when talking about the trip because of course I don't have the fucking time to go galavanting about Europe, how the fuck and how dare I assume to go on holiday with my parents, and now it's all "oh squee, the places I want to take you" and whatever. The good thing is that I'll be back a whole week without them as they galavant through Spain. Fuck you. I'd rather you kick me to the curb but love me than do what you're doing now.
* Crossfade, "Everything's Wrong"