(no subject)
With droopy eyes I sit in front of this computer willing my fingers to do the expressin. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I spend the days wishin october 20th would come faster. But then at the end of the day, or when I drive around the city when theres not so much traffic [leaving a peaceful feeling] I realize I like it here and don't really want to leave. I've been thinkin a lot about my life as of right now and whether I'm satisfied or not. I spend hours with the topic on my mind, but never come to any conclusions. I never close any doors on the matter. Ah well, I suppose god doesn't want us to know the answers cause he wants to show them to us...
I should've put kole at a boarding facility from the start. Things would have been better that way. Now there's hurt feelings and I don't know if I'll ever forgive my cousin. She gave me a saddle, a really nice broke in top of the line one years ago not long after I bought kole. She told me I could use it when I got him trained, my first saddle was given to me she said, I want to pass on the tradition I remember her saying. Now, years later, she dumped me off at dusty acres, and when I went to get my saddle out of the trailer she said she was keeping it. If you're serious about riding, you'll get him one that fits him perfect she said. Serious about riding? that was all that kept playing in my head. She told me that was the saddle that worked best with her old horse calvin that she was getting back and she was keeping it. All I could say was "oh" as I stared at the ground trying to make the stinging in my eyes stop. Bye was all I said as I walked away from the trailer to go to the house to go over paperwork. I hated her now. She broke my heart. She gave it to me only to take it away, right when I had the chance to get him trained in it. And it was all I could do to keep myself from crying as I talked to the owner of dusty acres about paperwork and things. when I walked away from the house I did cry, suddenly feeling overwhelmed about money issues again. Not knowing what to do...I called lucas and drove home. I was too sad to even check on kole before I left. I can't get him trained english without an english saddle... I did go see kole again, I talked to him about it and he didn't seem so upset...except I know he liked that one better than the western saddle, it fit him great. My cousin Anna called me while I was with kole and she we talked about what to do shortly. she made a joke about if the western one didn't fit kole right that it be like one of us wearing underwear that didn't fit right and that she understood my frusterations. it was nice to hear her voice. Now I just have to work a little harder... I cringed at the thought...but kole is always worth it in the end...now I just have to find one to work towards...to keep working so hard...
So I haven't felt quite right all day. Lonely and cold. Cold from the temperatures that have dropped way down. Its supposed to snow in the mountains this weekend. But for some reason the cold makes you feel uncomfortable and that adds to the lonliness. Blah. I hate feeling like this. It makes me feel guilty for wallowing in my own self pity, so I'm just trying to remember I have a well paying job, its just money, and I'll make it through this. Tommorow will be better...I can only hope.
October 20th, 33 days away and counting. I'm more excited about that than my birthday now. And I've been anticipating my 18 birthday for along time!! So yeah. It won't be for long and I won't get to see as many people as I'd like I'm sure but I'm excited. October birthdays are gonna be celebrated then, on the 22nd. I'll get to see Hayden and Lochlin and I'm excited to see both of them. Oh gosh I'm excited to see all of that side and I never thought I'd say that.
Blue October and Hinder are both coming to Boise and I want to go see them but I gotta find someone to go with. Hopefully Nicole or maybe Josh will go with me. Sadd.
Anywho....now I'm bored so I'm gonna go. much love to all out there.
I should've put kole at a boarding facility from the start. Things would have been better that way. Now there's hurt feelings and I don't know if I'll ever forgive my cousin. She gave me a saddle, a really nice broke in top of the line one years ago not long after I bought kole. She told me I could use it when I got him trained, my first saddle was given to me she said, I want to pass on the tradition I remember her saying. Now, years later, she dumped me off at dusty acres, and when I went to get my saddle out of the trailer she said she was keeping it. If you're serious about riding, you'll get him one that fits him perfect she said. Serious about riding? that was all that kept playing in my head. She told me that was the saddle that worked best with her old horse calvin that she was getting back and she was keeping it. All I could say was "oh" as I stared at the ground trying to make the stinging in my eyes stop. Bye was all I said as I walked away from the trailer to go to the house to go over paperwork. I hated her now. She broke my heart. She gave it to me only to take it away, right when I had the chance to get him trained in it. And it was all I could do to keep myself from crying as I talked to the owner of dusty acres about paperwork and things. when I walked away from the house I did cry, suddenly feeling overwhelmed about money issues again. Not knowing what to do...I called lucas and drove home. I was too sad to even check on kole before I left. I can't get him trained english without an english saddle... I did go see kole again, I talked to him about it and he didn't seem so upset...except I know he liked that one better than the western saddle, it fit him great. My cousin Anna called me while I was with kole and she we talked about what to do shortly. she made a joke about if the western one didn't fit kole right that it be like one of us wearing underwear that didn't fit right and that she understood my frusterations. it was nice to hear her voice. Now I just have to work a little harder... I cringed at the thought...but kole is always worth it in the end...now I just have to find one to work towards...to keep working so hard...
So I haven't felt quite right all day. Lonely and cold. Cold from the temperatures that have dropped way down. Its supposed to snow in the mountains this weekend. But for some reason the cold makes you feel uncomfortable and that adds to the lonliness. Blah. I hate feeling like this. It makes me feel guilty for wallowing in my own self pity, so I'm just trying to remember I have a well paying job, its just money, and I'll make it through this. Tommorow will be better...I can only hope.
October 20th, 33 days away and counting. I'm more excited about that than my birthday now. And I've been anticipating my 18 birthday for along time!! So yeah. It won't be for long and I won't get to see as many people as I'd like I'm sure but I'm excited. October birthdays are gonna be celebrated then, on the 22nd. I'll get to see Hayden and Lochlin and I'm excited to see both of them. Oh gosh I'm excited to see all of that side and I never thought I'd say that.
Blue October and Hinder are both coming to Boise and I want to go see them but I gotta find someone to go with. Hopefully Nicole or maybe Josh will go with me. Sadd.
Anywho....now I'm bored so I'm gonna go. much love to all out there.