Who the Fuck I Am (it's a college essay)
I haven’t been too proud of anything I’ve done in my life in awhile. I fucking hate my life. a FEW MONThswg agho I was inta tealent show ith my firend Dan we played a song called “One Step Closer (Folk Version)” itwas a cover f a song by linkgPark only it wasn’t really ca oceI wrote the music we just took the lyrics nad ra. The piping in the ceiling is singing to me. We audiotion ed in the audiotamo for Mr. Petrini a fewjgweeks be for as kgealsp
I played bass for one of the audiotions we played a song “Please Don ot Go “ by the violent Femes only we havn’t really pracitice it enough beforehand and Dan wasn’t singing it correctly so he made i sing it while playing bass at the audion and I couldn’t sing right while playins ba swight ar thaames time. So we dusked doing that and we pretty much stoped in the middle and were like “that was just to rehearse the song I don’t think we’re actually going to do that one” so then we played “One Step Closer” and it rocked so bad dude. Band in aghood way I mean.
Petrini wnted us to come back the nex t wetk to he could see howat progress we were making on the song and to get us set up to see when we’d be forming. He set us up to open the show which he probably ethought he would like the sound of but we were totally disappointed because we dknow that when you open a shows it’s because you suck compared to all of the other people who are playing. But it was cnid of cool knoing they though we sucked buteacuse it meant we weren’t going to have to prefmrom according to anyone’s expectations.
People love me. Or they say so. I dnno. I know they think I’m cool beaus I’m weird nad all that crap. But at the same time I kind of feel like no one cares about anyone anymore especially no one cares about me. They just apprectiat my uniquenesss. And then when I think I care about someon it turns out that I really don’t car ebout them at all because they tell me so. And then they get upset with my foe not listening even though all I’ve been trying to do thise whole time is listen. I just don’t understand. And I don’t know why I udon’t understand. I try to understand buth tenw agian trying means maboutle nothing so I gues that means I’m really doing absoutely ntoghin in the way of understanding. I’m such a fucking virgin to everything. I don’t do drugs. I don’t appreciate the beauty of anture. I don’t go out and experience new experience.s. I don’t have many tfeidns wtiho whom I can share actual intimate thoughts and feelings. And the whones with whom I do do thatis end up hating me because I don’t live up to their expaectations ain the end. Becuas I’m still a fucking matimmature kids. And I still do stupid shit because I am thoughtless and cuncarint and selfj-abostorbned. And I walwys say how much I miss people I used to talk so sometimes even if it wasn’t somethon I knew very well. And even though these people live less than a mile away from me and tend to be home every often, I don’t go ivisit then or anything. Maybe this is why I stopped reading for ahwile. I found myself digging to much into who I am and how I connect to fictional stories, amade up crap that I just totally fucekd up my self image and now I don’t know which aprt is me and which one is Roger Gatsby or whatever his fucking first name is. It feels good to bramble labout like this timesometim es. I love music. I don’t have to relate to music and i odn’t have to go search ing mfor myself in music. I can just listen to it and get lost in it and at teh end insteiad of having to go and finding myself again I just get washed up back onto the showre. This is supoosed to be a college application essay. Why did I end up going off on this obsuce tangetn. Even though right now I feel like this essay is the high point of my entire writing career. Because in this paper I am being totally honest for once. Misapellings and all. Or at least I think ai am. Why do I doubt myself so often about things. IN any case. So since it’s so sincere, it should be like the best college essay ever written. At least I think so. But when some college person looks at it they bwill bprobably think “wow look at thise person’s total lack of structiure” or the obvious “these spelling and crammatical error make the paper totally impsobbile to follow” and ehven though I am giving an exact protgrait of myself in this apaper, I am only seeing it that way from my point of view. To other people they will see that I haven’t even talked about the basic things about myself like what my name is or who old I am or what my hobbies are or why I want to go to college or anything. Even though it’s a perfect protrait of who I am, no one else will see it that way at all and if I seubmitted it to a college they would only say “getg this depresed schizographenic sounding bullshit of couf my inbox” actually I doubt anyeone knows what the hell I am talking tabout. that’s probably the real picture. No kowne know what the fuck I AM TALKING ABOUT IN THIS PAPER BECAUSE I AM SICK AND FUCKED UP AND THINGS I SAY ARE SAID SO UNCLEARLY THAT IAM THE ONLY ONE KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. This is how it’s always been for me. Always. ALWAYs. That’s why I appear like such a fucking weird do to you that’s why I am fucking ‘most faur out “ or whatever that propular superliative senior shit is and i don’t want it I just wanted to be understaood. Truly understood. By someone anyone and then if they could just explain to me who the fuck I am since they understand my so well my entire life would be fulfilled. I would probably marry that person and if they died or dicorced me or something then I would fall back into this awful depression I am bein because once awgain I will knot no knowho the fuck I am. Who the fuck I am. Who the fuck am I. Who the fuck am I to cry at teh end of movies and sbe so fucking selfish like “ohhhhh poor me why me why must this happen to me” i AM SO FUCKING UPSET IWTH MYSLEF because i won’t just do shiT! do shit ben I say do thishit do shit you’ll be ahappy if you do shit you’ll start to understand yoursleif you if you do shit do shit sodo shit do shit SO WHY DON’T I DO SHITSQUAT. As ti typing this I am throoughly debating in my mind wheteher I should fix all the error s in this paper so that people acan actually undestand part of it or if I should just leave it pure and the way it was obviously meant to be. I think I’ll go with the send one. do shit do shit why don’t I do shit because really what does do shit mean. I’m serious what does it mean. Because maybe that shit that I think is important that I think I should do is thnot the same as what is really import ant and what I really should do. do shit do shit do shit if you comment on this and you’re not just like “what?” I wull fucking marry you ad yes that is a threat.
tHER is so much to fucking asdd to this. ABout how I am the smartes tu fcuking person I know and I’m not being vaint or self-absorebed this time I’m just being honest. So if I’m so fucking smart why don’t I make something of it. Why can’t I answer that question. Why am I asking you that question. Ha beat you to it. Masybe I’m not thta mart maybe I’m only smart in one way in memorizing things and in everything else I am fucing ForrestGump. My dad says my regular IQ is like geniurs I qu or something but my commen sense IQ is way below normal. He’s been telling me that for about 10 years. Maybe that’s why I think I’m hopelss. Because I’ve been trying to change for 10 years and I still haven’t. There we go wtih trying again that’s why I’m not getting anywhere because instead of shit do shit doing shit I’m just trying and trying does nothing nothing at all. I need to take a brek.
I played bass for one of the audiotions we played a song “Please Don ot Go “ by the violent Femes only we havn’t really pracitice it enough beforehand and Dan wasn’t singing it correctly so he made i sing it while playing bass at the audion and I couldn’t sing right while playins ba swight ar thaames time. So we dusked doing that and we pretty much stoped in the middle and were like “that was just to rehearse the song I don’t think we’re actually going to do that one” so then we played “One Step Closer” and it rocked so bad dude. Band in aghood way I mean.
Petrini wnted us to come back the nex t wetk to he could see howat progress we were making on the song and to get us set up to see when we’d be forming. He set us up to open the show which he probably ethought he would like the sound of but we were totally disappointed because we dknow that when you open a shows it’s because you suck compared to all of the other people who are playing. But it was cnid of cool knoing they though we sucked buteacuse it meant we weren’t going to have to prefmrom according to anyone’s expectations.
People love me. Or they say so. I dnno. I know they think I’m cool beaus I’m weird nad all that crap. But at the same time I kind of feel like no one cares about anyone anymore especially no one cares about me. They just apprectiat my uniquenesss. And then when I think I care about someon it turns out that I really don’t car ebout them at all because they tell me so. And then they get upset with my foe not listening even though all I’ve been trying to do thise whole time is listen. I just don’t understand. And I don’t know why I udon’t understand. I try to understand buth tenw agian trying means maboutle nothing so I gues that means I’m really doing absoutely ntoghin in the way of understanding. I’m such a fucking virgin to everything. I don’t do drugs. I don’t appreciate the beauty of anture. I don’t go out and experience new experience.s. I don’t have many tfeidns wtiho whom I can share actual intimate thoughts and feelings. And the whones with whom I do do thatis end up hating me because I don’t live up to their expaectations ain the end. Becuas I’m still a fucking matimmature kids. And I still do stupid shit because I am thoughtless and cuncarint and selfj-abostorbned. And I walwys say how much I miss people I used to talk so sometimes even if it wasn’t somethon I knew very well. And even though these people live less than a mile away from me and tend to be home every often, I don’t go ivisit then or anything. Maybe this is why I stopped reading for ahwile. I found myself digging to much into who I am and how I connect to fictional stories, amade up crap that I just totally fucekd up my self image and now I don’t know which aprt is me and which one is Roger Gatsby or whatever his fucking first name is. It feels good to bramble labout like this timesometim es. I love music. I don’t have to relate to music and i odn’t have to go search ing mfor myself in music. I can just listen to it and get lost in it and at teh end insteiad of having to go and finding myself again I just get washed up back onto the showre. This is supoosed to be a college application essay. Why did I end up going off on this obsuce tangetn. Even though right now I feel like this essay is the high point of my entire writing career. Because in this paper I am being totally honest for once. Misapellings and all. Or at least I think ai am. Why do I doubt myself so often about things. IN any case. So since it’s so sincere, it should be like the best college essay ever written. At least I think so. But when some college person looks at it they bwill bprobably think “wow look at thise person’s total lack of structiure” or the obvious “these spelling and crammatical error make the paper totally impsobbile to follow” and ehven though I am giving an exact protgrait of myself in this apaper, I am only seeing it that way from my point of view. To other people they will see that I haven’t even talked about the basic things about myself like what my name is or who old I am or what my hobbies are or why I want to go to college or anything. Even though it’s a perfect protrait of who I am, no one else will see it that way at all and if I seubmitted it to a college they would only say “getg this depresed schizographenic sounding bullshit of couf my inbox” actually I doubt anyeone knows what the hell I am talking tabout. that’s probably the real picture. No kowne know what the fuck I AM TALKING ABOUT IN THIS PAPER BECAUSE I AM SICK AND FUCKED UP AND THINGS I SAY ARE SAID SO UNCLEARLY THAT IAM THE ONLY ONE KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. This is how it’s always been for me. Always. ALWAYs. That’s why I appear like such a fucking weird do to you that’s why I am fucking ‘most faur out “ or whatever that propular superliative senior shit is and i don’t want it I just wanted to be understaood. Truly understood. By someone anyone and then if they could just explain to me who the fuck I am since they understand my so well my entire life would be fulfilled. I would probably marry that person and if they died or dicorced me or something then I would fall back into this awful depression I am bein because once awgain I will knot no knowho the fuck I am. Who the fuck I am. Who the fuck am I. Who the fuck am I to cry at teh end of movies and sbe so fucking selfish like “ohhhhh poor me why me why must this happen to me” i AM SO FUCKING UPSET IWTH MYSLEF because i won’t just do shiT! do shit ben I say do thishit do shit you’ll be ahappy if you do shit you’ll start to understand yoursleif you if you do shit do shit sodo shit do shit SO WHY DON’T I DO SHITSQUAT. As ti typing this I am throoughly debating in my mind wheteher I should fix all the error s in this paper so that people acan actually undestand part of it or if I should just leave it pure and the way it was obviously meant to be. I think I’ll go with the send one. do shit do shit why don’t I do shit because really what does do shit mean. I’m serious what does it mean. Because maybe that shit that I think is important that I think I should do is thnot the same as what is really import ant and what I really should do. do shit do shit do shit if you comment on this and you’re not just like “what?” I wull fucking marry you ad yes that is a threat.
tHER is so much to fucking asdd to this. ABout how I am the smartes tu fcuking person I know and I’m not being vaint or self-absorebed this time I’m just being honest. So if I’m so fucking smart why don’t I make something of it. Why can’t I answer that question. Why am I asking you that question. Ha beat you to it. Masybe I’m not thta mart maybe I’m only smart in one way in memorizing things and in everything else I am fucing ForrestGump. My dad says my regular IQ is like geniurs I qu or something but my commen sense IQ is way below normal. He’s been telling me that for about 10 years. Maybe that’s why I think I’m hopelss. Because I’ve been trying to change for 10 years and I still haven’t. There we go wtih trying again that’s why I’m not getting anywhere because instead of shit do shit doing shit I’m just trying and trying does nothing nothing at all. I need to take a brek.