Last night I dreamed of Manderlay
Actually, I didn't.
But I did dream about something from my past.
I had a very strange dream about Conor, which left me unsettled when I awoke.
It seems strange that I dreamed of him now, of all times. I never dreamed of him while we were dating, or even right after our break up. I do remember dreams of Joe over the years, long, haunting dreams where I was racing through some alley way trying to find him. I would wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding, feeling like I should call him just to make sure he was alright.
Maybe it was the upcoming holiday and the knowledge that I have never spent a new years eve with Conor, and probably never will that made him invade my thoughts again. Either way, I had a disturbing dream where I was back at the KDR house for WM homecoming, hanging out in the basement, where Conor raised his hand and told everyone I hated him. I tried to interrupt and state, no I did not hate him, but he would not believe me.
We finally walked outside to the Green leafe, talking about why he thought I hated him- reasons mostly on "because" and that I didn't let him talk to my mother anymore (?) and I had stopped loving him and I was mean.
I tried to refute these, of course, and a patron next to us in the Leafe started yelling at me for "invading" his space, to which Conor got up, defended me, and punched him. We tried to return to the discussion of why he thought I hated him, and he kept saying the real reason was secret.
I then woke up.
I'm not sure what the dream meant, if anything, but it did unsettle me. I hope he is not out there, thinking that I hate him, because I don't. I'm not particularly good with reconciling the past and present, preferring to keep my past separate from my present. It was made easy by Joe being so far away, and then Ross at school while I was graduated and living in DC. With Conor, we broke up, and then had class together three times the next day.
Im not really sure where I am going with this train of thought- just merely attempting to explain my subconscious to myself.
But I did dream about something from my past.
I had a very strange dream about Conor, which left me unsettled when I awoke.
It seems strange that I dreamed of him now, of all times. I never dreamed of him while we were dating, or even right after our break up. I do remember dreams of Joe over the years, long, haunting dreams where I was racing through some alley way trying to find him. I would wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding, feeling like I should call him just to make sure he was alright.
Maybe it was the upcoming holiday and the knowledge that I have never spent a new years eve with Conor, and probably never will that made him invade my thoughts again. Either way, I had a disturbing dream where I was back at the KDR house for WM homecoming, hanging out in the basement, where Conor raised his hand and told everyone I hated him. I tried to interrupt and state, no I did not hate him, but he would not believe me.
We finally walked outside to the Green leafe, talking about why he thought I hated him- reasons mostly on "because" and that I didn't let him talk to my mother anymore (?) and I had stopped loving him and I was mean.
I tried to refute these, of course, and a patron next to us in the Leafe started yelling at me for "invading" his space, to which Conor got up, defended me, and punched him. We tried to return to the discussion of why he thought I hated him, and he kept saying the real reason was secret.
I then woke up.
I'm not sure what the dream meant, if anything, but it did unsettle me. I hope he is not out there, thinking that I hate him, because I don't. I'm not particularly good with reconciling the past and present, preferring to keep my past separate from my present. It was made easy by Joe being so far away, and then Ross at school while I was graduated and living in DC. With Conor, we broke up, and then had class together three times the next day.
Im not really sure where I am going with this train of thought- just merely attempting to explain my subconscious to myself.