Stagnant
I dont know how else to describe how I feel..or what my life is like. I am restless and not happy. Not content and not sure what to do.
Somehow and somewhere I lost my footing and cant seem to get my balance again. Things that I once were so sure of..now only present more questions for me. Am I running AWAY or TO?! possibly both.
I realise I am close to nobody. No best friends, no lovers..no family I talk to regularly. I wonder why I have chose this solitude that now makes me uncomfortable? Hah!
I just feel totally stagnant. Each day is like the next. Blah. There is nothing spectacular going on here and even if there 'was' it would be with the same folks who have always done it. Nothing changes here...just the costumes and venues.
I wonder if im ready for SF...is it ready for me??? Or im I totally disillusioned?! Do I do this because its the only thing Im good at? And to what end??? I feel like there is this HUGE piece that is missing and im running from place to place trying to find it because I cant find it in my Self.
I use to brag that I am Alone but not Lonely...starting to not be so true anymore. Although letting people close to me makes my skin crawl. The few *special* people that I permit to be close to me are no longer around. Im waiting for the next....the next One..the next Big Thing..the next show...the next town..the next life...always, but never the Now.
Saddened that people I care for seem to not see me anymore. When did I become Invisible?!!!
Somehow and somewhere I lost my footing and cant seem to get my balance again. Things that I once were so sure of..now only present more questions for me. Am I running AWAY or TO?! possibly both.
I realise I am close to nobody. No best friends, no lovers..no family I talk to regularly. I wonder why I have chose this solitude that now makes me uncomfortable? Hah!
I just feel totally stagnant. Each day is like the next. Blah. There is nothing spectacular going on here and even if there 'was' it would be with the same folks who have always done it. Nothing changes here...just the costumes and venues.
I wonder if im ready for SF...is it ready for me??? Or im I totally disillusioned?! Do I do this because its the only thing Im good at? And to what end??? I feel like there is this HUGE piece that is missing and im running from place to place trying to find it because I cant find it in my Self.
I use to brag that I am Alone but not Lonely...starting to not be so true anymore. Although letting people close to me makes my skin crawl. The few *special* people that I permit to be close to me are no longer around. Im waiting for the next....the next One..the next Big Thing..the next show...the next town..the next life...always, but never the Now.
Saddened that people I care for seem to not see me anymore. When did I become Invisible?!!!