I don't know where this is going, but it has to go somewhere, right?
Okay, this is a somewhat dark tone, ut today I realized that maybe being alone isn't this completely hideously horrible thing. I almost enjoy not expecting things from people. I always somehow fall short of the glory of what they thought I was. I don't know why they put up so high i the opinion scale in the first place. Sometimes I feel like I have to show them my bad side before i can truly tell if they care about me. Recently I have gotten rid of (as far as a serious relationship goes) three different wonderful guys. I thought with growing up maybe I would learn how to manage my feelings, or at least manage them BETTER that I did. Unfortunately, I am still the immature, self-defeating moron I was in high school. I honestly can't understand. I'm not eve going to name any names. I am tired of that shit. My business should be kept my business, oh wait... I am writing on a site where everybody and their dog can read it. Silly me. Anyshit I'm trying to see what it is going to like to just chill and not try to please EVERYONE! I have figured out that in doing that I have alienated all of them or pissed them off at some point. This shit hurts really bad after a while. I feel so... non pleasing, I guess. I'm probably just in some kind of funk and I'll come out of it fine later, but goddamn it hurts right now. My gut hasn't relaxed in over a week.
Enough about that. I am scared to death of going to Orlando!!! This negro is more petrified than she had ever been.
You now what, fuck that. I'm not going to stop typing what I feel because I think whoever is reading this may be bored with it. If you don't like this, fuck you don't fucking read it! What the hell is going on in my brain?, because I can't grasp it. I'm starting to think that maybe I need some ind of counseling. I don't think I can do it on my own anymore. Lora is always there for me, but she can't ever really get it. She had been with the same guy for three years, strangely my ex. How fucking ironic does my life have to get before I fucking explode all over everyone standing near me? Seriously, it's fucking ridiculous. My poetry suckks now. (intentional 2 k's there.)
They always leave just when I need them. They ALWAYS leave me. Do I NEED someone to be okay with myself? Do I need someone to tell me that I'm talented or pretty or a good person to make me feel that way about myself. I always feel like they're lying, ALWAYS! So I guess it really doesn't matter if they say it or not. It's just nice to hear it sometime, ya now? Probably not. Other people probably feel fine with themselves. God! This is so pathetic! I'm such a whiner! Why do I always need to cry? I've needed to cry so much lately.
This isn't going make any sense to anybody. No, I take that back. Patrick will understand. He always does somehow. Today was supposed to be this great have fun, get a surprise from someone, and smile a lot day, but it wasn't. I don't now why. It just wasn't. I am supposed to be alone and all that shit about not being alone just to be alone is horse shit! I obviously needed to at the time of I wouldn't be so unbelievably mind fucked right now. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There, I felt better for a good five seconds. For anyone who read this, I am truly sorry.
And with that..... a song:
Staying home alone on a friday
Flat on the floor looking back on old love
or lack thereof
After all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking is wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here
Searchin' all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know you
When I see you
'Til then I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song
For no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could've met you in a sandbox
I could've passed you on a sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away?
No way
I could've met you in a sandbox
I could've passed you on a sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away?
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
For me
For me
-John Mayer-
Enough about that. I am scared to death of going to Orlando!!! This negro is more petrified than she had ever been.
You now what, fuck that. I'm not going to stop typing what I feel because I think whoever is reading this may be bored with it. If you don't like this, fuck you don't fucking read it! What the hell is going on in my brain?, because I can't grasp it. I'm starting to think that maybe I need some ind of counseling. I don't think I can do it on my own anymore. Lora is always there for me, but she can't ever really get it. She had been with the same guy for three years, strangely my ex. How fucking ironic does my life have to get before I fucking explode all over everyone standing near me? Seriously, it's fucking ridiculous. My poetry suckks now. (intentional 2 k's there.)
They always leave just when I need them. They ALWAYS leave me. Do I NEED someone to be okay with myself? Do I need someone to tell me that I'm talented or pretty or a good person to make me feel that way about myself. I always feel like they're lying, ALWAYS! So I guess it really doesn't matter if they say it or not. It's just nice to hear it sometime, ya now? Probably not. Other people probably feel fine with themselves. God! This is so pathetic! I'm such a whiner! Why do I always need to cry? I've needed to cry so much lately.
This isn't going make any sense to anybody. No, I take that back. Patrick will understand. He always does somehow. Today was supposed to be this great have fun, get a surprise from someone, and smile a lot day, but it wasn't. I don't now why. It just wasn't. I am supposed to be alone and all that shit about not being alone just to be alone is horse shit! I obviously needed to at the time of I wouldn't be so unbelievably mind fucked right now. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There, I felt better for a good five seconds. For anyone who read this, I am truly sorry.
And with that..... a song:
Staying home alone on a friday
Flat on the floor looking back on old love
or lack thereof
After all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking is wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here
Searchin' all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know you
When I see you
'Til then I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song
For no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could've met you in a sandbox
I could've passed you on a sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away?
No way
I could've met you in a sandbox
I could've passed you on a sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away?
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
For me
For me
-John Mayer-