old entries
These are entries that I had typed out while I was at work last week and was not able to post… I had saved them and thought I would post them here…
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Exercise:
§ 1 hour walking at a fast pace outside
Food:
§ Yoplait Yogurt (vanilla) (100 cal, 0 fat)
§ 1 cup lentils
§ ½ cup brown rice
§ ½ cup mixed vegetables
§ 1 piece of cheese pizza
§ 1 cup vegetables (zucchini, lettuce, tomato, cucumbers, and onion)
§ 1 PB cookie
Today I did not do as well with my eating. I overate in the evening. Although I did have vegetables, I overate on beans and rice… I was with my fiancé and could not control myself. I feel like such a fat pig and am loathing the fact that I ate so much. I would have purged, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
After eating all of that (from the lentils down on the list I ate it all within one hour-I’m such a fat cow), I spent the following hour going through fitness magazines to see how thin some of the models are and writing down fitness and nutrition ideas. I’m debating about the best was to restrict. I have before done the 2-4-6-8 diet and before I have just stayed below 500 calories each day. Before (about two years ago) when I stayed below 500 calories and exercised a lot, I lost like 15 lbs within a month and a half. I’ve also tried doing where you only eat as many calories as you burn. I know I will not be able to restrict Friday night and on Saturday too much because I’m going out with friends-friends who will expect me to eat. I will do my best, trying to fill up on salad and vegetables.
I really would like to plan a day to fast. I have a friend who fasts one day per week (Saturday) and only eats raw vegetables and fruits on Wednesdays. She is so thin too. I think if I start a weekly fasting day, I wouldn’t be able to tell my fiancé, J, because he would freak out even if I tried to back it up with all the health information about how good fasting is for your body. He would see through it. I would have to fast on a day when he wouldn’t know that I wouldn’t be eating… must think about what day would work…
I love the following quote: “What you do not suffer for you do not enjoy.” This was mentioned in my class tonight and I thought it applied well to restricting so I wrote it down. I am going to enjoy being thin so much more because I will know all of the sacrifices that I have made to be thin and the hang pangs and times at the gym. I will use this quote to help strengthen my willpower.
My goal for tomorrow: to work on my willpower and resist the urge to eat.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Exercise: (all exercise and nutrition figures are from fitday.com)
§ 20 minutes jumping on mini-trampoline (51 calories)
§ 10 minutes toning (concentrated on abs & legs) (71 calories)
§ 30 minutes treadmill (20 min running at 5.5 mph and 10 min walking at 3.5 mph) (163 and 36 calories)
§ TOTAL calories burned: 320
Food:
§ 2 eggs, scrambled (149 calories, 10 g fat, 1 g carb, 12 g protein)
§ 1 cup spinach (41 calories, 0 g fat, 7 g carb, 5 g protein)
§ ½ cup mixed vegetables (53 calories, 0 g fat, 12 g carb, 3 g protein)
§ 1 Yoplait yogurt (chocolate mousse) (160 cal, 4 g fat, 26 g carb, 5 g protein)
§ Crystal light-raspberry flavor: 32 oz (20 calories)
§ Water 64 oz
§ TOTALS:
o Cal: 424
o Fat: 15 g
o Carbs: 45 g
o Protein: 25 g
I have been working really hard at trying to cut down my intake of food, yet not be so noticeable about it. This morning I had breakfast with my fiancé so I had to eat (he was sweet enough to make breakfast). I woke up early while he was sleeping and jumped on the trampoline and did toning. I really hate doing toning, but I know it will help me to burn more calories and make me thinner. I must be thinner and I will do what it takes to be thinner.
My fiancé knows that I am trying to lose weight so I can restrict quite a bit and get away with it, as long as I eat at least a salad or some veggies with him. I am vegetarian (have been for 6 years) so he’s happy if I eat veggies. Though I have to be careful because he knows about my anorexic past and he knows what to look for. I’ve been trying to do things in a “healthy” way so not to alert him. He doesn’t know about a lot of the things that I have been thinking though…about how I want to just fast and never eat or how when I do eat; there are times I contemplate purging. I have purged when he has been home before, but he did not realize that’s why I was doing it. I have a touchy stomach and get sick easily so he just thought that is what it was, when really it wasn’t.
I do not want to purge though-I want perfection from minimal food intake, thriving off of water. I want to be weightless, to where there is no possible fat to pinch. I want to have people look at me and not understand how I am so thin-to be envious of the slimness I have achieved. I have been focusing on this type of image when I meditate. I know from reading various sources on losing weight a lot of them recommend to say positive affirmations or visualize yourself thinner, so I have been spending a few minutes each day thinking about how I will look when I am as thin as I want to be and how others will react to me. I imagine all of the things that I can buy-because so many clothes only look cute on thin people. I imagine even a size two sliding off my hips because it is too big. I imagine seeing an old friend who was always so thin years ago being so jealous of the thinness that I have (will) achieve. It’s empowering to just visualize it and imagine how thin I can be. Everyday that I restrict brings me closer to that dream. Every hunger pang, every run on the treadmill, every time that I pass up dessert, every day that I feast on water instead of food, I will be closer to my goal. I will be closer to being thin.
I’m happy with the amount of protein that I got today and I am happy at drinking more water and low calorie drinks (crystal light). The more calorie free drinks I consume, the less I eat. J
My goal for tomorrow: to exercise even if I don’t want to!
P.S. Very cool quote I found from a magazine: “He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how.” -Frederich Nietzsche