Its Done
I took my final on Tuesday, finished grading lab reports last night and entered the grades this morning. I spent my last evening in my coffee shop sanctuary and this will probably be my last day in the grad student office.
Bittersweet.
I'm surprised at how reluctant I feel when it comes to leaving. I don't leave things very well. I'm not good with endings, happy or sad. That is probably why I have such terrible pack-rat tendencies. I can't throw anything away, no matter how bad it was. I want to keep everything, have everything around me forever, so I can go back and look at it again if I want.
(The one exception, it seems, is my terrible, awful, emotionally abusive job I had in RIDC Park. I've managed to completely THROW that away and never think about it or the people there again)
But not this place. I don't hate it. I hate that I can't stay. I just hope that feeling goes away when I get back home and back to my regular life. Just because it didn't work doesn't mean I didn't want it to, that I didn't try. I did. I really really really did try. But in the end, I couldn't. And the next thing I need to learn is how to move on. There's nothing that says I can't ever come back here. I have friends in the area now. More than I did before I came here. If someone had told me 3 months ago that I would leave this place and miss it a little bit, I would have thought they were crazy. But I think I will miss some things.
I came here looking for an adventure, and found that I didn't need one. At least, not this kind of adventure. I think the next time I want an adventure, I'll go rock climbing, or bungee jumping or get a tattoo. Something that won't tear me away from the things that keep me going. I think I might have even learned to be more independent from this experience. I may not notice it now, but hopefully when I get home, I'll notice that I've changed a lot about myself for the better. I sincerely hope I learn and change from this experience.
Bittersweet.
I'm surprised at how reluctant I feel when it comes to leaving. I don't leave things very well. I'm not good with endings, happy or sad. That is probably why I have such terrible pack-rat tendencies. I can't throw anything away, no matter how bad it was. I want to keep everything, have everything around me forever, so I can go back and look at it again if I want.
(The one exception, it seems, is my terrible, awful, emotionally abusive job I had in RIDC Park. I've managed to completely THROW that away and never think about it or the people there again)
But not this place. I don't hate it. I hate that I can't stay. I just hope that feeling goes away when I get back home and back to my regular life. Just because it didn't work doesn't mean I didn't want it to, that I didn't try. I did. I really really really did try. But in the end, I couldn't. And the next thing I need to learn is how to move on. There's nothing that says I can't ever come back here. I have friends in the area now. More than I did before I came here. If someone had told me 3 months ago that I would leave this place and miss it a little bit, I would have thought they were crazy. But I think I will miss some things.
I came here looking for an adventure, and found that I didn't need one. At least, not this kind of adventure. I think the next time I want an adventure, I'll go rock climbing, or bungee jumping or get a tattoo. Something that won't tear me away from the things that keep me going. I think I might have even learned to be more independent from this experience. I may not notice it now, but hopefully when I get home, I'll notice that I've changed a lot about myself for the better. I sincerely hope I learn and change from this experience.