(no subject)
So I seem to easily be sliding in and out of homesickness still. Yesterday by far was one of my worst days here emotionally. I just couldn't kick the feeling that I wanted to just go home. I'm trying to immerse myself in my work, but I'm finding myself dreading weekends because I really have nothing to do for fun. Granted, Friday night I had a great time hanging out with
mootilda23 and going to see Cloverfield. It was really great to see a familiar face and take my mind away from all the stress and emotions I've been dealing with. Her family was so much fun! But as much fun as I had, I really began to feel down Saturday night after a phone call from Jon telling me all about his fun night karaokeing with his bandmates and partying till the wee hours of the morning. I just felt so left out and so lonely. And those feelings haven't really gone away yet. Its been 2 1/2 weeks (I know, not that long) but I haven't really made any friends yet. And I realize that its going to take some time, but its hard to get through that time when you have nothing but whatever is back home. And when home is 10 hours away. Everywhere I've lived, I usually didn't go home that often, but I always had the option of going home when I needed to. Now I don't have that option and it just gets to me. And right now I just want to go HOME. I want to be around the people who care about me. I don't want them to come here, I want to go there. I want to be around the familiar things. I need the comfort, and I just can't have it. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I don't know how to make myself happy. And maybe thats one of the things that I'll learn how to do down here, but I haven't done that yet. I can't help feeling like I'm stuck in this place, and its so overwhelming. The workload isn't too bad yet, I'm mainly just reading lots of papers and books about my project, and doing some class work. I'm also quickly running out of money, and I don't know how soon I get paid.
2 more years of this? I know I keep saying that, but it just seems so far away. And maybe tomorrow my attitude or emotions will change. I tend to be like that, feeling one way one day, and totally differently the next day. I just can't help wondering if I'm where I'm supposed to be. I know that I am here and that I should simply make the best of things, but how do you do that? I really don't know how. I need something constant. I just need like one person that I can befriend and that can help me get through this. One of my biggest fears is being left out and forgotten about. I'm probably totally repeating myself from my last few entries. I don't really care, this is just how I feel. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm scared and I'm alone, and I absolutely hate it.
My parents are coming down next weekend, and Jon the weekend after that. But I'd rather go home both weekends than have them come down here. But I can't. Jon recently moved into an apartment with his bandmates in Oakland. I keep thinking that if I had just stayed, I could have been hanging out with him there right now. Yeah maybe my job was crap, but I was happy. I had everything around me. Is the desire to have a better career worth all this? I don't know.
All I know is that this is a LOT harder than I had anticipated, I'm not prepared for this at all, and I don't know how to deal with it.
OK I don't feel like talking about this any more.
mootilda23 and going to see Cloverfield. It was really great to see a familiar face and take my mind away from all the stress and emotions I've been dealing with. Her family was so much fun! But as much fun as I had, I really began to feel down Saturday night after a phone call from Jon telling me all about his fun night karaokeing with his bandmates and partying till the wee hours of the morning. I just felt so left out and so lonely. And those feelings haven't really gone away yet. Its been 2 1/2 weeks (I know, not that long) but I haven't really made any friends yet. And I realize that its going to take some time, but its hard to get through that time when you have nothing but whatever is back home. And when home is 10 hours away. Everywhere I've lived, I usually didn't go home that often, but I always had the option of going home when I needed to. Now I don't have that option and it just gets to me. And right now I just want to go HOME. I want to be around the people who care about me. I don't want them to come here, I want to go there. I want to be around the familiar things. I need the comfort, and I just can't have it. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I don't know how to make myself happy. And maybe thats one of the things that I'll learn how to do down here, but I haven't done that yet. I can't help feeling like I'm stuck in this place, and its so overwhelming. The workload isn't too bad yet, I'm mainly just reading lots of papers and books about my project, and doing some class work. I'm also quickly running out of money, and I don't know how soon I get paid.
2 more years of this? I know I keep saying that, but it just seems so far away. And maybe tomorrow my attitude or emotions will change. I tend to be like that, feeling one way one day, and totally differently the next day. I just can't help wondering if I'm where I'm supposed to be. I know that I am here and that I should simply make the best of things, but how do you do that? I really don't know how. I need something constant. I just need like one person that I can befriend and that can help me get through this. One of my biggest fears is being left out and forgotten about. I'm probably totally repeating myself from my last few entries. I don't really care, this is just how I feel. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I'm scared and I'm alone, and I absolutely hate it.
My parents are coming down next weekend, and Jon the weekend after that. But I'd rather go home both weekends than have them come down here. But I can't. Jon recently moved into an apartment with his bandmates in Oakland. I keep thinking that if I had just stayed, I could have been hanging out with him there right now. Yeah maybe my job was crap, but I was happy. I had everything around me. Is the desire to have a better career worth all this? I don't know.
All I know is that this is a LOT harder than I had anticipated, I'm not prepared for this at all, and I don't know how to deal with it.
OK I don't feel like talking about this any more.