Five Things never to say to your printer
(and how not to make a business call for good measure)
1. When your printer/prepress person says "what program was the file made in?" you should answer:
a) Windows!
b) Mac!
c) Acrobat
d) Word
e) Publisher
f) Printmaster Gold
g) I dunno! (Bonus points for this one if it's already been established that you made the file yourself...)
2. "_____ is best, right?"
a) EPS
b) PDF
c) JPG
d) Quark
e) Indesign
f) Photoshop
3. The correct response to "Can you give us the hi-res file?" is:
a) "You can just download the logo off our website."
b) "My cousin's brother's mother's sister's husband made the file, on his old computer, which the dog knocked off the deck, into the lake, three years ago..." i.e. No, but it will take a long time to get to that syllable.
c) "What's a hi-res file?"
4. "But it looks FINE on my ____"
a) monitor
b) inkjet printout
c) webpage
5. "Can you make the logo bigger?"
And to start things off right, when you make your phone call to your printer - or any other place of business - use the following script to guide you as you "interface" with your supplier, to make you sound more professional!
Vendor: Hello, this is X Company, how can I help you?
You: Hi! (Bonus points if you being male, say it to a female customer service person, in a "sexy" i.e. smarmy come-on tone.)
Vendor: Um. Hi. --This is Fill-in-the-blank Co, how can I help you today?
You: HOW are you doing today?
Vendor. Uh, fine. Thanks. Um, *can* I help you?
You: Yeah! (Alternately, "I sure hope so!")
Vendor: [waits]
Vendor: Um, *how* can I help you?
You: I want to order something!
Vendor: Okay, what would you like to get today?
You: Our business cards/letterhead/advertising brochures/whatever. I want to get the same as we did last time.
Vendor: Aaaaand...sorry, but what company did you say you were calling from?
You: YZ Corp.
Vendor: Hmm...I can't find your file in our system. Have you ever ordered from us before?
You: No. (bonus points if your tone implies that this is a totally absurd question!)
I'm sure creative readers will be able to improvise their own improvements on the above dialogue, as it represents a mere stock synthesis.
--Yes, it's been that kind of a ... month, actually. Altho' creepy boss has kept hands to himself since I yelled at him, which more than anything else tells me it wasn't innocent at all on his part. Apologies all round for failure to contribute - I really do mean to have stuff up this weekend, at least.
1. When your printer/prepress person says "what program was the file made in?" you should answer:
a) Windows!
b) Mac!
c) Acrobat
d) Word
e) Publisher
f) Printmaster Gold
g) I dunno! (Bonus points for this one if it's already been established that you made the file yourself...)
2. "_____ is best, right?"
a) EPS
b) PDF
c) JPG
d) Quark
e) Indesign
f) Photoshop
3. The correct response to "Can you give us the hi-res file?" is:
a) "You can just download the logo off our website."
b) "My cousin's brother's mother's sister's husband made the file, on his old computer, which the dog knocked off the deck, into the lake, three years ago..." i.e. No, but it will take a long time to get to that syllable.
c) "What's a hi-res file?"
4. "But it looks FINE on my ____"
a) monitor
b) inkjet printout
c) webpage
5. "Can you make the logo bigger?"
And to start things off right, when you make your phone call to your printer - or any other place of business - use the following script to guide you as you "interface" with your supplier, to make you sound more professional!
Vendor: Hello, this is X Company, how can I help you?
You: Hi! (Bonus points if you being male, say it to a female customer service person, in a "sexy" i.e. smarmy come-on tone.)
Vendor: Um. Hi. --This is Fill-in-the-blank Co, how can I help you today?
You: HOW are you doing today?
Vendor. Uh, fine. Thanks. Um, *can* I help you?
You: Yeah! (Alternately, "I sure hope so!")
Vendor: [waits]
Vendor: Um, *how* can I help you?
You: I want to order something!
Vendor: Okay, what would you like to get today?
You: Our business cards/letterhead/advertising brochures/whatever. I want to get the same as we did last time.
Vendor: Aaaaand...sorry, but what company did you say you were calling from?
You: YZ Corp.
Vendor: Hmm...I can't find your file in our system. Have you ever ordered from us before?
You: No. (bonus points if your tone implies that this is a totally absurd question!)
I'm sure creative readers will be able to improvise their own improvements on the above dialogue, as it represents a mere stock synthesis.
--Yes, it's been that kind of a ... month, actually. Altho' creepy boss has kept hands to himself since I yelled at him, which more than anything else tells me it wasn't innocent at all on his part. Apologies all round for failure to contribute - I really do mean to have stuff up this weekend, at least.