phst. fine i'll do a real update.
I dont even know where to start. nothings really been happening and i feel like i only come here to complain. i wanted to stop that but its MY journal so stfu. i guess i'll start with the most recent.
I decided to go solo to see Mike play at Sean Bolans Thursday night. I struggled with whether to go or not for 5 hours. Im such an awkward person. Its a catch 22. I dont know how to explain. Id like to have someone to come out with me to these things but I dont so I end up staying home and being depressed hermit. But if i dont go at all i lose the chance to meet potential new people/friends that I could hang with. But when I go alone its as if no one wants to talk to me because im alone. These are just some of the insecurities running through my head before I go out.
I arrived at 9:30, walked up the steps and Mike was right there with a hug surprised to see me. I may have lied and said I was trying to get someone to some with me but no one wanted to. just make it seem like i have a life and friends. Its like I want to make sure he knows Im wanted by others, am popular and have a life.(ugh im horrible). See, Im not sure about Mike.(more on this later) We talked for awhile, got a drink. When we get together we usually talk about whats going on at Courtland. Erik (with a k) was there too. He gave me a hug and at least acted like he was happy to see me. So we all sat at the bar and chatted for a while. Courtland, music, concerts. I think they were surprised that I knew a lot of beatles songs and could actually talk with them a little about music, concerts and stuff. Erik (with a k) has a Get up Kids tattoo. how cute is that?! I told him my wedding song will be " I'll catch You". I left $2 on the bar for a tip and it just sat there for 40 minutes. whats the etiquette there? I was morally torn to just take it back. It wasnt like it was mega busy there. And that was pretty much the night. It was a open mic type of thing. Erik played guitar and his voice is beautiful. Mike just jammed on the guitar. he says he knows he doesnt have a voice so he doesnt sing. But I did hear him hum/sing a little of "while my guitar gently weeps" . He demanded a hug before he left (about 15 min before me). I somehow managed to ask for his number, told him to let me know when he plays and such. Everyone at the table ooo'd and aahh'd when I asked for it. like i was asking for romantic reasons or something. i dont know. maybe they were just impress by my touch phone?
So I go home after a pretty uneventful night and cringe at all the stupid things I said or did. when probably in reality nobody cared or noticed. This is why I dont go out. Its mentally exhausting. I worry if I said the right thing here or did the right thing there for like weeks after. ugh. Then things just go back to normal. Me alone in my room without a life. no one to turn to for advice or to quiet my insecurities.
I worked with Mike at Courtland for about 3 (?) years. I was there a total of 6. When he first started there he was just the shaggy haired stoner high school boy hired for loading. He dated Jane (also former coworker /semi friend of mine/shes another story). When I broke up with Jeff, I started to notice him more. He's just such a cute, happy go lucky boy that makes you feel special at times but i usually dont go for stoner talk skinngy blondes. Since I was sort of in a superior postion at Courtland I always felt torn about hanging out with potentials friends outside of work. Because they were all into getting "wasted" and "partying". Which I dont have a problem with, its just I was sort of torn between management and the employees. I didnt wanted any of my cowrkers looking at me like I was a drunk. ANyways! Jane had a couple parties and gatherings I attended and Mike was there for most of them(i think it was all of three times). And he goes to HCC so I ran into him there a few times. At Janes 21st, had way too much to drink and stayed at her apartment that night. While we were all getting ready for bed MIke comes in to tuck me in or something. yeah, im pretty sure he totally felt me up but in my drunken stupor I didnt do anything. I remember thinking "ohmygodthatfeelsgood" then he left to go sleep in janes room. I remember wanting to yell "Michael!" in astonishment or something. or take action and feel him back. but he was with jane after all and im just not that kind of girl. oh oh!! and 3 months after jeff and i broke up and i was still being all emo and heart broken mike said to me at work " you know what you need? you need a sexing." or something like that.then he made some kind of "i can take care of that comment". at that point i didnt want to be anyones pity fuck. Jane and mike ended up breaking up after a year of dating and I left Courtland and didnt really speak to them until i ran into Mike at school last spring . I returned to facebook just to add him so he could let me know when and where he was playing. I was too chickenshit to show up at any of his gigs until Thursday night. basically i like him but dont know if i like him like that. plus im not sure i even want to be involved with anyone right now. im still working things out in my head. plus plus im pretty sure he's only lookinf for flings.
To my surprise mike texts me at Friday 130 am "I had fun tonight" and to let me know his band is playing at rock state park at 2 today (saturday). ya, i didnt go.
Then things go mundane and sad for me, normal. Friday night, Aunt Donna and Uncle Bob were coming over for games and take-out. Aunt D calls last minute and cancels "uncle bob doesnt feel well" which is normal b/c dad was just sick last weekend. so whatevs. but my stomach did drop when I heard i wouldnt being seeing my fav aunt this weekend. when i see he i get a refill in self esteem or something. Dad, Mom and I decided to go out to eat. As we were headed out the door Aunt Donna calls and says just she, my cousin holly and her bf dan will join us. Ok, fine. I get upset when my cousins are around now. everything is going so well for them and it just makes me feel like a loser. i know the right thing to do is feel happy for them but i just dont. Holly informs us they just bought a house. and just makes my stomach drop and ruins my night. I know they been looking for awhile. Before you know it theyll be married. Its hard to imagine your cousin you grew up with as home owning adult. At the end of dinner dad asks whats wrong with uncle b. aunt d goes on to basically say she came home and he was drunk again. she told him that if he keeps drinking like this she will just go out without him and shes done dealing with it. See, uncle bob has had bad luck. Jobs keep letting him go (not because of his drinking because of the economy) and he's still dealing with his parents passing away. He's always been a drinker but its gotten worse and become a problem since his father passed away from lung cancer, his mom in and out of nursing homes and hospitals and then finally passing away from the same. and then not being employed just gives him a chance to stew in that mess and drink. im not up excuses for him but i understand and feel sad for him and aunt d. she was in tears when we paid the bill. ive already expressed on here how much my aunt and uncle mean to me on here. so i wont go into it. i felt bad because i was in my own little world of self deprecation while my aunt is crying over basically losing her husband. i hope things work out.
I wanted tylenol pm really badly last night so i could sleep away my thoughts but there wasnt any. so i ended up staying up until 3 am. mike texted me again at 130. text convos go as follows.
Thursday night/ Friday Morning
Mike - I had fun tonight
Me - ya me too goodtimes. nice guitar playing bud. have to do it again sometime
Mike -Yeah def. the band is playing at rock state park ....
Friday Morning 1:30 am
Mike - :)
Me - lol. :) isnt it past your bedtime?
Mike - Hey are you up
mike - Ha no what you doing
Me - trying to sleep. failing.
Mike - Yeah well if you cant sleep you should come over here i bet i can ya with that
Me - lol oh yeah? pretty comfy here watching craig ferguson
Mike - really well i got i nice size bed and a tv in my room ha ha
me - mike, go to sleep and dream numnnum :) lol
mike - ha ha another time night
me - heh ya g'night
mike - night :)
this is a booty call right? sometimes i really wish i was a one night stand kind of person. i dont know what to think about this. i like the attention but i dont know if i want to act on it.
so long!
I decided to go solo to see Mike play at Sean Bolans Thursday night. I struggled with whether to go or not for 5 hours. Im such an awkward person. Its a catch 22. I dont know how to explain. Id like to have someone to come out with me to these things but I dont so I end up staying home and being depressed hermit. But if i dont go at all i lose the chance to meet potential new people/friends that I could hang with. But when I go alone its as if no one wants to talk to me because im alone. These are just some of the insecurities running through my head before I go out.
I arrived at 9:30, walked up the steps and Mike was right there with a hug surprised to see me. I may have lied and said I was trying to get someone to some with me but no one wanted to. just make it seem like i have a life and friends. Its like I want to make sure he knows Im wanted by others, am popular and have a life.(ugh im horrible). See, Im not sure about Mike.(more on this later) We talked for awhile, got a drink. When we get together we usually talk about whats going on at Courtland. Erik (with a k) was there too. He gave me a hug and at least acted like he was happy to see me. So we all sat at the bar and chatted for a while. Courtland, music, concerts. I think they were surprised that I knew a lot of beatles songs and could actually talk with them a little about music, concerts and stuff. Erik (with a k) has a Get up Kids tattoo. how cute is that?! I told him my wedding song will be " I'll catch You". I left $2 on the bar for a tip and it just sat there for 40 minutes. whats the etiquette there? I was morally torn to just take it back. It wasnt like it was mega busy there. And that was pretty much the night. It was a open mic type of thing. Erik played guitar and his voice is beautiful. Mike just jammed on the guitar. he says he knows he doesnt have a voice so he doesnt sing. But I did hear him hum/sing a little of "while my guitar gently weeps" . He demanded a hug before he left (about 15 min before me). I somehow managed to ask for his number, told him to let me know when he plays and such. Everyone at the table ooo'd and aahh'd when I asked for it. like i was asking for romantic reasons or something. i dont know. maybe they were just impress by my touch phone?
So I go home after a pretty uneventful night and cringe at all the stupid things I said or did. when probably in reality nobody cared or noticed. This is why I dont go out. Its mentally exhausting. I worry if I said the right thing here or did the right thing there for like weeks after. ugh. Then things just go back to normal. Me alone in my room without a life. no one to turn to for advice or to quiet my insecurities.
I worked with Mike at Courtland for about 3 (?) years. I was there a total of 6. When he first started there he was just the shaggy haired stoner high school boy hired for loading. He dated Jane (also former coworker /semi friend of mine/shes another story). When I broke up with Jeff, I started to notice him more. He's just such a cute, happy go lucky boy that makes you feel special at times but i usually dont go for stoner talk skinngy blondes. Since I was sort of in a superior postion at Courtland I always felt torn about hanging out with potentials friends outside of work. Because they were all into getting "wasted" and "partying". Which I dont have a problem with, its just I was sort of torn between management and the employees. I didnt wanted any of my cowrkers looking at me like I was a drunk. ANyways! Jane had a couple parties and gatherings I attended and Mike was there for most of them(i think it was all of three times). And he goes to HCC so I ran into him there a few times. At Janes 21st, had way too much to drink and stayed at her apartment that night. While we were all getting ready for bed MIke comes in to tuck me in or something. yeah, im pretty sure he totally felt me up but in my drunken stupor I didnt do anything. I remember thinking "ohmygodthatfeelsgood" then he left to go sleep in janes room. I remember wanting to yell "Michael!" in astonishment or something. or take action and feel him back. but he was with jane after all and im just not that kind of girl. oh oh!! and 3 months after jeff and i broke up and i was still being all emo and heart broken mike said to me at work " you know what you need? you need a sexing." or something like that.then he made some kind of "i can take care of that comment". at that point i didnt want to be anyones pity fuck. Jane and mike ended up breaking up after a year of dating and I left Courtland and didnt really speak to them until i ran into Mike at school last spring . I returned to facebook just to add him so he could let me know when and where he was playing. I was too chickenshit to show up at any of his gigs until Thursday night. basically i like him but dont know if i like him like that. plus im not sure i even want to be involved with anyone right now. im still working things out in my head. plus plus im pretty sure he's only lookinf for flings.
To my surprise mike texts me at Friday 130 am "I had fun tonight" and to let me know his band is playing at rock state park at 2 today (saturday). ya, i didnt go.
Then things go mundane and sad for me, normal. Friday night, Aunt Donna and Uncle Bob were coming over for games and take-out. Aunt D calls last minute and cancels "uncle bob doesnt feel well" which is normal b/c dad was just sick last weekend. so whatevs. but my stomach did drop when I heard i wouldnt being seeing my fav aunt this weekend. when i see he i get a refill in self esteem or something. Dad, Mom and I decided to go out to eat. As we were headed out the door Aunt Donna calls and says just she, my cousin holly and her bf dan will join us. Ok, fine. I get upset when my cousins are around now. everything is going so well for them and it just makes me feel like a loser. i know the right thing to do is feel happy for them but i just dont. Holly informs us they just bought a house. and just makes my stomach drop and ruins my night. I know they been looking for awhile. Before you know it theyll be married. Its hard to imagine your cousin you grew up with as home owning adult. At the end of dinner dad asks whats wrong with uncle b. aunt d goes on to basically say she came home and he was drunk again. she told him that if he keeps drinking like this she will just go out without him and shes done dealing with it. See, uncle bob has had bad luck. Jobs keep letting him go (not because of his drinking because of the economy) and he's still dealing with his parents passing away. He's always been a drinker but its gotten worse and become a problem since his father passed away from lung cancer, his mom in and out of nursing homes and hospitals and then finally passing away from the same. and then not being employed just gives him a chance to stew in that mess and drink. im not up excuses for him but i understand and feel sad for him and aunt d. she was in tears when we paid the bill. ive already expressed on here how much my aunt and uncle mean to me on here. so i wont go into it. i felt bad because i was in my own little world of self deprecation while my aunt is crying over basically losing her husband. i hope things work out.
I wanted tylenol pm really badly last night so i could sleep away my thoughts but there wasnt any. so i ended up staying up until 3 am. mike texted me again at 130. text convos go as follows.
Thursday night/ Friday Morning
Mike - I had fun tonight
Me - ya me too goodtimes. nice guitar playing bud. have to do it again sometime
Mike -Yeah def. the band is playing at rock state park ....
Friday Morning 1:30 am
Mike - :)
Me - lol. :) isnt it past your bedtime?
Mike - Hey are you up
mike - Ha no what you doing
Me - trying to sleep. failing.
Mike - Yeah well if you cant sleep you should come over here i bet i can ya with that
Me - lol oh yeah? pretty comfy here watching craig ferguson
Mike - really well i got i nice size bed and a tv in my room ha ha
me - mike, go to sleep and dream numnnum :) lol
mike - ha ha another time night
me - heh ya g'night
mike - night :)
this is a booty call right? sometimes i really wish i was a one night stand kind of person. i dont know what to think about this. i like the attention but i dont know if i want to act on it.
so long!