Fanon Fodder (4/?)
This is what happens when I don't have a job. I spend all my time writing fanfic. I promise to get some work done on Mercy Seat tomorrow, but Angel is not behaving. He's getting all pissy 'cause I took his arm off. I mean, come on, I taking Xander's brain away, and he's whining about an arm? Some characters.....
Thanks to everyone who offered up sidekicks! I couldn't use all of them, but I tried to fit as many in as I could. All of them are still possibilities for battles, of course. I think if I took all the cameos out of this thing, it'd be like, half as long.
Previous chapters may be found here
"The Town", Xander was surprised to see, was much more thoroughly detailed than the Arena or the areas surrounding it. He also had a suspicion that the creators of the Town were very, very into Renaissance Fairs.
The road through the middle of the town was hard-packed dirt, with deep wagon wheel ruts running through it. There were no wagons in sight, and there wasn't really any possibility that the road or the town had been in existence long enough to have seen the kind of traffic the ruts suggested, so Xander assumed that they were decorative, only.
The buildings that lined the road were built in a haphazard array of styles, from Spaghetti western saloon fronted establishments to giant, arching stone castles. Many of the structures were physical impossibilities. Xander might not have been all that good at math or spacial relations, but he'd been working in construction for long enough to know that a quarter-inch thick piece of wood couldn't support an entire wall made of red brick. He crossed his arms and frowned. Whoever these creators were obviously didn't care much about the laws of physics. Either that, or they were hoping the buildings would collapse on top of a group of champions, thereby eliminating them from the competition.
Closer inspection revealed that the buildings were, in fact, the same seven structures repeated over and over again along the edges of the road, just with different signs. Apparently "the best writers they could find" REALLY weren't that great.
He would have to worry about that later. First, he was going to have to find a place to stay. The road stretched out seemingly into infinity in either direction, with the buildings lining every inch of it. Most of them seemed to be completely empty, with signs advertising butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers. A troupe of cheerfully singing elves loitered under a sign shaped like a shoe. A man holding a strange wooden rack covered in paper bags meandered up and down the street. He spotted Xander and grinned.
"You, good sir! Care to sample my enormous nuts?"
Xander avoided making eye contact and walked determinedly down the street.
"Perhaps you'd just like to lick the salt off of them!"
Xander's eye flicked from sign to sign, searching for some sort of escape.
"I assure you, they're the best nuts in Town!"
His eye landed on a bright yellow banana with the words "barre and inne" painted in faux old English across the peel. When in doubt, fight bawdy innuendo with a cheap visual pun. He darted for the doorway.
"Oh, sure. Take the banana. Everyone prefers the banana to nuts!"
Outside on the street it had been mid-day. In the bar, it was some time past midnight. The whole place was lit by candlelight and a fireplace that seemed to take up an entire wall. Long wooden tables filled the stone room from end to end, each filled with about a dozen different characters, all leaning over their drinks, talking and laughing with their fellow champions. A short, somewhat circular man with white hair stepped up on Xander's blind side.
"Welcome to Second Banana Heaven!" The man gestured to the rows of tables. "Take a seat where ever you like. We're all friends here!"
Xander turned to get a better look at his host. He blinked. "You--You're TV's Frank!"
"Yes. Yes I am." TV's Frank lead Xander to an empty seat at one of the long tables and placed a pint of beer in front of him. "Enjoy your stay here in Second Banana Heaven!"
He wandered off before Xander could get his jaw working enough to ask him questions. "TV's Frank. Wow. Second Banana Heaven."
"Yeah," said the man beside him. "I thought it was a bit much, myself."
Xander half-turned in his seat, and once again found himself trying to keep his jaw off the table. "I know you,"
"Do you?" The man peered at him. "You seem kind of familiar, yourself. Are you from LA?"
"Sunnydale." Xander looked closer. The man was somewhat heavy set, with short, dark hair, large brown eyes, and a thick scar on the right side of his neck. "Wait, no, I know this one," He tapped on his forehead to facilitate his thought process. "You're from ‘Alias'. Vaughn's friend. Agent White?"
"Weiss. Eric Weiss." The agent grinned and offered his hand. "I think you're the first person to recognize me."
"I'm Xander." Xander took the hand and gave it a good shake, matching Weiss squeeze for squeeze. "Good to know you survived the shot to the neck."
"Yeah?" Weiss shook his head. "That was years ago."
"Huh." Xander shrugged. "I didn't have much time to watch TV this year. I caught your season premiere, but not a lot after that. I loved the first season, though. ‘Specially that Rambaldi stuff. Made it seem more real."
"More real?" Weiss shook his head. "Rambaldi's like, straight out of fantasy land."
"Yeah, well, my world practically is fantasy land, so what can you do."
Weiss' eyes widened in recognition. "Wait, you're from ‘Buffy', aren't you? Man, I loved that show. Trying to watch all seven seasons kept me occupied at the hospital. Good to meet you."
"You too."
"I would have thought that Buffy or Willow would have made a better choice for this thing, though."
"Yeah, well, I'd have picked Sydney, or Jack, or even Irina Derevko over you."
"Touche." Weiss took a long swallow of his beer. "You're among good company, though. I've been hanging out here since a little while after I got dragged into this thing." He nodded to someone arguing with a short, blonde, cartoonish man. "Over there we've got Donna Moss from ‘West Wing' and Barney Rubble," He tilted his head the other way. "There we have Wash from ‘Firefly', Tonto of ‘the Lone Ranger' fame, and Pete from ‘Smallville'," He smirked at a shape sitting well away from the others at the end of the table. Xander squinted. "And of course--"
"Wesley frickin' Crusher. I don't believe it."
"Yeah, I wouldn't have picked him as my ‘champion' either." Weiss shrugged. "He's moping because apparently his team picked him just so they could watch him get killed horribly in his first fight."
Xander wrinkled his nose. "That can't be right. That's just . . . mean."
"Yeah, well, his team's called ‘Crush Crusher'. They told him to his face."
Xander winced in sympathy as he tried to decide what was worse, being over-estimated by a bunch of fan boys, or being sacrificed for the sake of a few cheap laughs.
"Poor bastard."
Another dark-haired guy with fashionably bad hair sat down across from them. "Hey, I'm Aaron. Can you believe this place? I ran into C-3PO over by the bathrooms, and some kid named Ron keeps poking at his PDA and yelling for ‘Kim'. It's nuts."
Weiss and Xander introduced themselves.
"Oh, I know. I live with my parents. I spend a lot of time watching TV. You guys at least have a chance. I'm going to get killed." Aaron concentrated on his beer.
Weiss and Xander exchanged a look. There was a lot of Aaron's pessimism going around; they could hear similar comments from the folks at the tables around them. Weiss took another sip of his beer. "You don't have any special skills?"
Aaron shrugged. "I know more about the world's religions than probably anyone else here, but I doubt that's going to save me on the field."
"No offense, but why the hell did anyone pick you as their champion? You're not another Crusher, are you?"
Aaron shook his head. "My team is a trio of girls my sister's age. They apparently just thought I was hot."
A light bulb seemed to go off in Xander's head, and he quickly glanced around for a mirror. In this universe there was no telling if a light bulb had ACTUALLY appeared above him, or not. No one seemed to be looking at him oddly, so he decided it probably hadn't. It was time to spread the word. He leaned back slightly and checked to see if anyone unidentifiable as a champion was in the vicinity. Seeing that the coast was clear, he leaned back in.
"Listen. I have a plan."
Weiss and Aaron raised their eyebrows and leaned forward. Weiss pulled a pen out of his pocket and whipped off the top to reveal some complex circuitry topped by a little red light. At Xander and Aaron's looks of confusion, he shrugged. "Bug-killer, courtesy of Marshall Flinkman. Luckily I had this in my pocket when I was . . . summoned, or whatever."
Xander raised his eyebrows. "Does that work on magic bugs, too?"
Weiss shrugged. "No idea. We have two minutes."
Xander nodded. "Gotcha. Have you looked over the rules of engagement?"
"A little." Weiss waved his hand. "My team didn't really give me a chance. They explained the basics, showed me the website, and then dumped me in here."
Aaron nodded. "I think I was too busy freaking out to really pay attention."
"Fair enough." Xander dropped his voice. "Did you see the rule about forfeits?"
"Doesn't it say that if you give up, you become like, slave labor for the other team?" Weiss made a face. Xander shook his head.
"It says that you'll be given to the other team to be used as they see fit. If you plan it right, that means extra fighters on your side. I've already had my first battle, and now I have something of a war horse. So, let's say every battle ends in a forfeit. What would you get?"
Weiss nodded slowly, comprehension dawning in his eyes. "I get it. You'd end up with an army."
Xander poked the table with his finger. "EXACTLY. Work it right, get diplomatic, and nobody has to die."
Aaron shook his head. "What if you go up against someone who won't quit? Like, say, Darth Vader?"
Xander frowned. "Okay, so it only works if you get enough good guys on your team before you run up against a bad guy. If you had, like, Wolverine or someone on your team, they could take Darth Vader out. The idea is to minimize the killing. If we can get enough teams together, we could probably put a stop to this whole thing, once and for all."
Aaron groaned. "I don't know. This whole thing is too crazy. If my sister didn't talk to God or whatever through a bunch of toy animals, I'd never be in this mess." He blinked, then shook his head. "Or, possibly, if I believe the whole ‘I'm really a character on a canceled TV show' thing, if my sister didn't talk to toy animals, I wouldn't even exist."
Weiss nodded. "Makes your brain hurt. Though it does explain a lot about the Bristows. No one's family tree is that screwed up."
"Yeah, no kidding. Though I'd love to see Buffy and Cyclops get together. Buffy thinks HER Summers family is weird? The X-men have her beat, hands down."
Aaron laughed. Weiss smiled. "We should probably compare notes, too. Between everyone here, we can probably figure out how to talk to or beat down pretty much anybody we might come up against. I know TV shows pretty well, but the life of a spy doesn't leave a lot of room for catching up with comics."
Xander nodded. "Not here, though. I get the feeling we need to keep this on the down-low. The sign said this was an inn?"
Aaron nodded. "You'll have to talk to Torgo for a room."
Xander stood. "Right then. Let's get to it." Xander stood and turned only to find himself face to non- face with the Man. He was distinct in his indistinctness. "Manny!" Xander forced himself to grin and sat back down. "How's it going?"
"Hello, Alexander Lavelle Harris. It is going quite well, thank you." The Man turned to Aaron. "Aaron Tyler of ‘Wonderfalls', I have come to inform you that your first battle will occur in precisely twenty minutes. Your team awaits you at the Arena with your weapons. Please follow me."
Aaron quickly downed the last of his beer and stood up shakily. "Who am I fighting?"
The Man checked his list. "It seems that you will be battling Julian Sark from ‘Alias'."
Weiss spit out his beer. "Forfeit!" He hissed. "Forfeit like you've never forfeited before!"
Aaron was noticeably pale. "Um,"
The Man clapped a hand on Weiss's shoulder. "That is quite enough from you, Agent Weiss."
Weiss scowled. "Hey, I HAVE a first name, you know,"
The Man ignored him. "Aaron Tyler, if you wish to forfeit to Julian Sark, you will have to do it on the battle field. Follow me."
Aaron trailed after the Man like a someone on his way to his execution. Weiss and Xander watched him go. Xander raised his beer. "Good luck, man."
"Oh god," was Aaron's only answer.
Weiss clinked his pint glass against Xander's. "Here's to a fallen compatriot. We won't be seeing him again any time soon."
Xander blinked. "He might forfeit."
"And if he does, he'll be joining Sark's team. Not such a nice place to be. I imagine that even if his team members are good people, Sark's managed to manipulate them into controlling the situation. Besides, the rules say that a champion will not battle a character from their own fandom unless absolutely necessary. Which means I, for one, will not be coming up against Sark's team anytime soon."
Xander set his beer down, untasted. While he hadn't taken his meds for his eye in more than a day, he wasn't willing to risk upsetting his stomach. "I don't remember seeing that rule."
"Apparently it was an addendum once things got rolling. The first thing I asked my team was whether or not I'd have to fight Sloane. They explained it to me."
Xander nodded. "Good to know. Now," He stood again. "It's time to go see a B-movie monster about a room."
* * *
Xander leaned against the window of his room, gazing out across the Town's only street. Weiss had agreed to meet him there in an hour to discuss tactics and characters, barring one of them having to go to battle. That gave Xander plenty of time to settle in.
Not that he had any clothes to unpack, or anything.
The room wasn't much, of course, little more than a double sized mattress and box spring resting on the floor, a crate for an end table, an alarm clock, a phone, and a copy of the Gideon Bible. There was an ensuite bathroom, though, which he appreciated. He considered a shower, but decided it wasn't worth it if he couldn't change clothes. Instead, he leaned against the window and people-watched.
It was amazing. Characters he'd loved since he was a little kid were all walking about the Town, talking, laughing, and occasionally glaring at each other. So far he'd spotted Jimmy Olsen, Fozzie Bear, Kramer, and a very blonde, very effeminate looking man in a suit all wander into Second Banana Heaven. Half of them were chased there by the nut-seller. The bigwigs: Luke Skywalker, Tony Soprano, Jean Grey, and William Wallace, to name a few, gave the place a miss. It seemed it really was for "second bananas" only. Xander had to groan at how quickly he'd decided to take shelter there.
"Dammit, I'm a main character in my life. Not a second banana."
He decided not to think about it too hard. Instead, he tried to spot a friendly face in the crowd.
He spotted a flash of red and peered closer. It was Willow.
"Oh thank god." He leaned halfway out the glass-less window and started waving frantically. "Willow! Willow, up here!"
She turned and scanned the street. He waved harder. "Xander!" She started pushing her way through the crowd until she stood just under the window. "Hold on, I'm coming up!" She waved cheerfully back, then looked around for the door.
"It's the one with the banana-shaped sign!" He pointed as broadly as he could at the entrance to Second Banana Heaven, but she just shook her head, looking confused.
"What banana-shaped sign?"
He blinked. Dammit, she couldn't see it. Did that mean she wasn't a second banana?
"I'm NOT a second banana." He pushed himself away from the window. "I'm coming down!"
She nodded, and he dashed for the door. He left a note with Torgo for Weiss, receiving a "the master will be pleased" in response, and hoped that that meant he'd pass on the message. It took some maneuvering, as the bar was rapidly filling with sidekicks, but he finally made his way out onto the street.
Only to be engulfed immediately by a red-haired wave of affection.
"OmigodI'msogladthatyou'reokayIhaven'tseenanyoneelsebutIheardthatyouweregoingintobattleandIwas soworriedthatyou'dgetkilledandthenImightneverseeyouagain!"
Xander had to laugh. "I'm okay, Willow. It's so good to see you." He hugged her back with equal affection, closing his eye. "I fought a My Little Pony."
"What?" Willow pulled away from him, frowning. "Oh, you didn't kill it, did you?"
"I'll have to tell you my master forfeit plan." He smiled. "I didn't kill her. She's one of the flutterponies. Honey Suckle."
Willow gave her "confused but still outwardly cheerful" face. "I never thought I'd see the day when you were on a first name basis with a My Little Pony."
"Yeah. Me neither." He brushed the hair off her forehead. "How about you, did you have to kill anything?"
Willow's confused face turned into her "disgusted but outwardly cheerful" face. "Yeah. But it looked like a demon, so I sorta felt okay about it."
Xander nodded, hoping it wasn't someone like D'Argo that she'd had to kill. On the other hand, Willow had been an even bigger fan of Farscape than he had, so D'Argo was probably safe. "Can you get us out of here?"
Willow's face fell. "No. It's weird. I can use my magic for just about anything, but even with all the details on the spell that brought us here and the one that takes us to RL and back, I can't seem to get out."
Xander shook his head. "Damn. I was really hoping that Witchy Willow would be able to solve this thing."
"Hey." Willow punched him lightly on the arm. "None of that, Witchy Willow will do it, she just has to keep researching. Now, what's this about a plan?"
"Not here." Xander looked around for Manny, but didn't see him lurking about. Of course, that didn't mean there weren't other "officials" from the organizers in the crowd. "Come on, we'll go to my room." He tugged Willow toward Second Banana Heaven, but she tugged back.
"Xander, you walked straight out of a wall over there."
Damn. She really COULDN'T see Second Banana Heaven. He let go of her hand and messed with his hair. "Come on. She's as much of a sidekick as I am,"
"I'm not a sidekick!"
"Neither am I!" He sighed. "Look, just close your eyes and trust me, okay?"
Willow nodded, took his hand, and closed her eyes. Xander took a deep breath and lead her into the inn. She shivered slightly as she crossed the threshold, but otherwise came through just fine.
TV's Frank showed up at their sides on cue. "Welcome to Second Banana--oh. Sorry, no main characters allowed."
Xander growled under his breath. "She's with me, okay?"
TV's Frank gave him an odd look, then shrugged. "Whatever. Just don't tell Torgo I let her in."
"No problem." Xander tugged Willow over to the table. She was staring about the bar in confusion.
"What is this place?"
"Apparently, this is where all the worthless characters come to hang."
"You're not worthless, Xander,"
"You know that, and I know that. I'm willing to think of it as a fluke."
Willow nodded and took her seat. A beer materialized in front of her. "So. Tell me about this plan."
<--{4}-->
The poll is now closed. Winner: Capn Jean-Luc Picard!
Thanks to everyone who offered up sidekicks! I couldn't use all of them, but I tried to fit as many in as I could. All of them are still possibilities for battles, of course. I think if I took all the cameos out of this thing, it'd be like, half as long.
Previous chapters may be found here
"The Town", Xander was surprised to see, was much more thoroughly detailed than the Arena or the areas surrounding it. He also had a suspicion that the creators of the Town were very, very into Renaissance Fairs.
The road through the middle of the town was hard-packed dirt, with deep wagon wheel ruts running through it. There were no wagons in sight, and there wasn't really any possibility that the road or the town had been in existence long enough to have seen the kind of traffic the ruts suggested, so Xander assumed that they were decorative, only.
The buildings that lined the road were built in a haphazard array of styles, from Spaghetti western saloon fronted establishments to giant, arching stone castles. Many of the structures were physical impossibilities. Xander might not have been all that good at math or spacial relations, but he'd been working in construction for long enough to know that a quarter-inch thick piece of wood couldn't support an entire wall made of red brick. He crossed his arms and frowned. Whoever these creators were obviously didn't care much about the laws of physics. Either that, or they were hoping the buildings would collapse on top of a group of champions, thereby eliminating them from the competition.
Closer inspection revealed that the buildings were, in fact, the same seven structures repeated over and over again along the edges of the road, just with different signs. Apparently "the best writers they could find" REALLY weren't that great.
He would have to worry about that later. First, he was going to have to find a place to stay. The road stretched out seemingly into infinity in either direction, with the buildings lining every inch of it. Most of them seemed to be completely empty, with signs advertising butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers. A troupe of cheerfully singing elves loitered under a sign shaped like a shoe. A man holding a strange wooden rack covered in paper bags meandered up and down the street. He spotted Xander and grinned.
"You, good sir! Care to sample my enormous nuts?"
Xander avoided making eye contact and walked determinedly down the street.
"Perhaps you'd just like to lick the salt off of them!"
Xander's eye flicked from sign to sign, searching for some sort of escape.
"I assure you, they're the best nuts in Town!"
His eye landed on a bright yellow banana with the words "barre and inne" painted in faux old English across the peel. When in doubt, fight bawdy innuendo with a cheap visual pun. He darted for the doorway.
"Oh, sure. Take the banana. Everyone prefers the banana to nuts!"
Outside on the street it had been mid-day. In the bar, it was some time past midnight. The whole place was lit by candlelight and a fireplace that seemed to take up an entire wall. Long wooden tables filled the stone room from end to end, each filled with about a dozen different characters, all leaning over their drinks, talking and laughing with their fellow champions. A short, somewhat circular man with white hair stepped up on Xander's blind side.
"Welcome to Second Banana Heaven!" The man gestured to the rows of tables. "Take a seat where ever you like. We're all friends here!"
Xander turned to get a better look at his host. He blinked. "You--You're TV's Frank!"
"Yes. Yes I am." TV's Frank lead Xander to an empty seat at one of the long tables and placed a pint of beer in front of him. "Enjoy your stay here in Second Banana Heaven!"
He wandered off before Xander could get his jaw working enough to ask him questions. "TV's Frank. Wow. Second Banana Heaven."
"Yeah," said the man beside him. "I thought it was a bit much, myself."
Xander half-turned in his seat, and once again found himself trying to keep his jaw off the table. "I know you,"
"Do you?" The man peered at him. "You seem kind of familiar, yourself. Are you from LA?"
"Sunnydale." Xander looked closer. The man was somewhat heavy set, with short, dark hair, large brown eyes, and a thick scar on the right side of his neck. "Wait, no, I know this one," He tapped on his forehead to facilitate his thought process. "You're from ‘Alias'. Vaughn's friend. Agent White?"
"Weiss. Eric Weiss." The agent grinned and offered his hand. "I think you're the first person to recognize me."
"I'm Xander." Xander took the hand and gave it a good shake, matching Weiss squeeze for squeeze. "Good to know you survived the shot to the neck."
"Yeah?" Weiss shook his head. "That was years ago."
"Huh." Xander shrugged. "I didn't have much time to watch TV this year. I caught your season premiere, but not a lot after that. I loved the first season, though. ‘Specially that Rambaldi stuff. Made it seem more real."
"More real?" Weiss shook his head. "Rambaldi's like, straight out of fantasy land."
"Yeah, well, my world practically is fantasy land, so what can you do."
Weiss' eyes widened in recognition. "Wait, you're from ‘Buffy', aren't you? Man, I loved that show. Trying to watch all seven seasons kept me occupied at the hospital. Good to meet you."
"You too."
"I would have thought that Buffy or Willow would have made a better choice for this thing, though."
"Yeah, well, I'd have picked Sydney, or Jack, or even Irina Derevko over you."
"Touche." Weiss took a long swallow of his beer. "You're among good company, though. I've been hanging out here since a little while after I got dragged into this thing." He nodded to someone arguing with a short, blonde, cartoonish man. "Over there we've got Donna Moss from ‘West Wing' and Barney Rubble," He tilted his head the other way. "There we have Wash from ‘Firefly', Tonto of ‘the Lone Ranger' fame, and Pete from ‘Smallville'," He smirked at a shape sitting well away from the others at the end of the table. Xander squinted. "And of course--"
"Wesley frickin' Crusher. I don't believe it."
"Yeah, I wouldn't have picked him as my ‘champion' either." Weiss shrugged. "He's moping because apparently his team picked him just so they could watch him get killed horribly in his first fight."
Xander wrinkled his nose. "That can't be right. That's just . . . mean."
"Yeah, well, his team's called ‘Crush Crusher'. They told him to his face."
Xander winced in sympathy as he tried to decide what was worse, being over-estimated by a bunch of fan boys, or being sacrificed for the sake of a few cheap laughs.
"Poor bastard."
Another dark-haired guy with fashionably bad hair sat down across from them. "Hey, I'm Aaron. Can you believe this place? I ran into C-3PO over by the bathrooms, and some kid named Ron keeps poking at his PDA and yelling for ‘Kim'. It's nuts."
Weiss and Xander introduced themselves.
"Oh, I know. I live with my parents. I spend a lot of time watching TV. You guys at least have a chance. I'm going to get killed." Aaron concentrated on his beer.
Weiss and Xander exchanged a look. There was a lot of Aaron's pessimism going around; they could hear similar comments from the folks at the tables around them. Weiss took another sip of his beer. "You don't have any special skills?"
Aaron shrugged. "I know more about the world's religions than probably anyone else here, but I doubt that's going to save me on the field."
"No offense, but why the hell did anyone pick you as their champion? You're not another Crusher, are you?"
Aaron shook his head. "My team is a trio of girls my sister's age. They apparently just thought I was hot."
A light bulb seemed to go off in Xander's head, and he quickly glanced around for a mirror. In this universe there was no telling if a light bulb had ACTUALLY appeared above him, or not. No one seemed to be looking at him oddly, so he decided it probably hadn't. It was time to spread the word. He leaned back slightly and checked to see if anyone unidentifiable as a champion was in the vicinity. Seeing that the coast was clear, he leaned back in.
"Listen. I have a plan."
Weiss and Aaron raised their eyebrows and leaned forward. Weiss pulled a pen out of his pocket and whipped off the top to reveal some complex circuitry topped by a little red light. At Xander and Aaron's looks of confusion, he shrugged. "Bug-killer, courtesy of Marshall Flinkman. Luckily I had this in my pocket when I was . . . summoned, or whatever."
Xander raised his eyebrows. "Does that work on magic bugs, too?"
Weiss shrugged. "No idea. We have two minutes."
Xander nodded. "Gotcha. Have you looked over the rules of engagement?"
"A little." Weiss waved his hand. "My team didn't really give me a chance. They explained the basics, showed me the website, and then dumped me in here."
Aaron nodded. "I think I was too busy freaking out to really pay attention."
"Fair enough." Xander dropped his voice. "Did you see the rule about forfeits?"
"Doesn't it say that if you give up, you become like, slave labor for the other team?" Weiss made a face. Xander shook his head.
"It says that you'll be given to the other team to be used as they see fit. If you plan it right, that means extra fighters on your side. I've already had my first battle, and now I have something of a war horse. So, let's say every battle ends in a forfeit. What would you get?"
Weiss nodded slowly, comprehension dawning in his eyes. "I get it. You'd end up with an army."
Xander poked the table with his finger. "EXACTLY. Work it right, get diplomatic, and nobody has to die."
Aaron shook his head. "What if you go up against someone who won't quit? Like, say, Darth Vader?"
Xander frowned. "Okay, so it only works if you get enough good guys on your team before you run up against a bad guy. If you had, like, Wolverine or someone on your team, they could take Darth Vader out. The idea is to minimize the killing. If we can get enough teams together, we could probably put a stop to this whole thing, once and for all."
Aaron groaned. "I don't know. This whole thing is too crazy. If my sister didn't talk to God or whatever through a bunch of toy animals, I'd never be in this mess." He blinked, then shook his head. "Or, possibly, if I believe the whole ‘I'm really a character on a canceled TV show' thing, if my sister didn't talk to toy animals, I wouldn't even exist."
Weiss nodded. "Makes your brain hurt. Though it does explain a lot about the Bristows. No one's family tree is that screwed up."
"Yeah, no kidding. Though I'd love to see Buffy and Cyclops get together. Buffy thinks HER Summers family is weird? The X-men have her beat, hands down."
Aaron laughed. Weiss smiled. "We should probably compare notes, too. Between everyone here, we can probably figure out how to talk to or beat down pretty much anybody we might come up against. I know TV shows pretty well, but the life of a spy doesn't leave a lot of room for catching up with comics."
Xander nodded. "Not here, though. I get the feeling we need to keep this on the down-low. The sign said this was an inn?"
Aaron nodded. "You'll have to talk to Torgo for a room."
Xander stood. "Right then. Let's get to it." Xander stood and turned only to find himself face to non- face with the Man. He was distinct in his indistinctness. "Manny!" Xander forced himself to grin and sat back down. "How's it going?"
"Hello, Alexander Lavelle Harris. It is going quite well, thank you." The Man turned to Aaron. "Aaron Tyler of ‘Wonderfalls', I have come to inform you that your first battle will occur in precisely twenty minutes. Your team awaits you at the Arena with your weapons. Please follow me."
Aaron quickly downed the last of his beer and stood up shakily. "Who am I fighting?"
The Man checked his list. "It seems that you will be battling Julian Sark from ‘Alias'."
Weiss spit out his beer. "Forfeit!" He hissed. "Forfeit like you've never forfeited before!"
Aaron was noticeably pale. "Um,"
The Man clapped a hand on Weiss's shoulder. "That is quite enough from you, Agent Weiss."
Weiss scowled. "Hey, I HAVE a first name, you know,"
The Man ignored him. "Aaron Tyler, if you wish to forfeit to Julian Sark, you will have to do it on the battle field. Follow me."
Aaron trailed after the Man like a someone on his way to his execution. Weiss and Xander watched him go. Xander raised his beer. "Good luck, man."
"Oh god," was Aaron's only answer.
Weiss clinked his pint glass against Xander's. "Here's to a fallen compatriot. We won't be seeing him again any time soon."
Xander blinked. "He might forfeit."
"And if he does, he'll be joining Sark's team. Not such a nice place to be. I imagine that even if his team members are good people, Sark's managed to manipulate them into controlling the situation. Besides, the rules say that a champion will not battle a character from their own fandom unless absolutely necessary. Which means I, for one, will not be coming up against Sark's team anytime soon."
Xander set his beer down, untasted. While he hadn't taken his meds for his eye in more than a day, he wasn't willing to risk upsetting his stomach. "I don't remember seeing that rule."
"Apparently it was an addendum once things got rolling. The first thing I asked my team was whether or not I'd have to fight Sloane. They explained it to me."
Xander nodded. "Good to know. Now," He stood again. "It's time to go see a B-movie monster about a room."
* * *
Xander leaned against the window of his room, gazing out across the Town's only street. Weiss had agreed to meet him there in an hour to discuss tactics and characters, barring one of them having to go to battle. That gave Xander plenty of time to settle in.
Not that he had any clothes to unpack, or anything.
The room wasn't much, of course, little more than a double sized mattress and box spring resting on the floor, a crate for an end table, an alarm clock, a phone, and a copy of the Gideon Bible. There was an ensuite bathroom, though, which he appreciated. He considered a shower, but decided it wasn't worth it if he couldn't change clothes. Instead, he leaned against the window and people-watched.
It was amazing. Characters he'd loved since he was a little kid were all walking about the Town, talking, laughing, and occasionally glaring at each other. So far he'd spotted Jimmy Olsen, Fozzie Bear, Kramer, and a very blonde, very effeminate looking man in a suit all wander into Second Banana Heaven. Half of them were chased there by the nut-seller. The bigwigs: Luke Skywalker, Tony Soprano, Jean Grey, and William Wallace, to name a few, gave the place a miss. It seemed it really was for "second bananas" only. Xander had to groan at how quickly he'd decided to take shelter there.
"Dammit, I'm a main character in my life. Not a second banana."
He decided not to think about it too hard. Instead, he tried to spot a friendly face in the crowd.
He spotted a flash of red and peered closer. It was Willow.
"Oh thank god." He leaned halfway out the glass-less window and started waving frantically. "Willow! Willow, up here!"
She turned and scanned the street. He waved harder. "Xander!" She started pushing her way through the crowd until she stood just under the window. "Hold on, I'm coming up!" She waved cheerfully back, then looked around for the door.
"It's the one with the banana-shaped sign!" He pointed as broadly as he could at the entrance to Second Banana Heaven, but she just shook her head, looking confused.
"What banana-shaped sign?"
He blinked. Dammit, she couldn't see it. Did that mean she wasn't a second banana?
"I'm NOT a second banana." He pushed himself away from the window. "I'm coming down!"
She nodded, and he dashed for the door. He left a note with Torgo for Weiss, receiving a "the master will be pleased" in response, and hoped that that meant he'd pass on the message. It took some maneuvering, as the bar was rapidly filling with sidekicks, but he finally made his way out onto the street.
Only to be engulfed immediately by a red-haired wave of affection.
"OmigodI'msogladthatyou'reokayIhaven'tseenanyoneelsebutIheardthatyouweregoingintobattleandIwas soworriedthatyou'dgetkilledandthenImightneverseeyouagain!"
Xander had to laugh. "I'm okay, Willow. It's so good to see you." He hugged her back with equal affection, closing his eye. "I fought a My Little Pony."
"What?" Willow pulled away from him, frowning. "Oh, you didn't kill it, did you?"
"I'll have to tell you my master forfeit plan." He smiled. "I didn't kill her. She's one of the flutterponies. Honey Suckle."
Willow gave her "confused but still outwardly cheerful" face. "I never thought I'd see the day when you were on a first name basis with a My Little Pony."
"Yeah. Me neither." He brushed the hair off her forehead. "How about you, did you have to kill anything?"
Willow's confused face turned into her "disgusted but outwardly cheerful" face. "Yeah. But it looked like a demon, so I sorta felt okay about it."
Xander nodded, hoping it wasn't someone like D'Argo that she'd had to kill. On the other hand, Willow had been an even bigger fan of Farscape than he had, so D'Argo was probably safe. "Can you get us out of here?"
Willow's face fell. "No. It's weird. I can use my magic for just about anything, but even with all the details on the spell that brought us here and the one that takes us to RL and back, I can't seem to get out."
Xander shook his head. "Damn. I was really hoping that Witchy Willow would be able to solve this thing."
"Hey." Willow punched him lightly on the arm. "None of that, Witchy Willow will do it, she just has to keep researching. Now, what's this about a plan?"
"Not here." Xander looked around for Manny, but didn't see him lurking about. Of course, that didn't mean there weren't other "officials" from the organizers in the crowd. "Come on, we'll go to my room." He tugged Willow toward Second Banana Heaven, but she tugged back.
"Xander, you walked straight out of a wall over there."
Damn. She really COULDN'T see Second Banana Heaven. He let go of her hand and messed with his hair. "Come on. She's as much of a sidekick as I am,"
"I'm not a sidekick!"
"Neither am I!" He sighed. "Look, just close your eyes and trust me, okay?"
Willow nodded, took his hand, and closed her eyes. Xander took a deep breath and lead her into the inn. She shivered slightly as she crossed the threshold, but otherwise came through just fine.
TV's Frank showed up at their sides on cue. "Welcome to Second Banana--oh. Sorry, no main characters allowed."
Xander growled under his breath. "She's with me, okay?"
TV's Frank gave him an odd look, then shrugged. "Whatever. Just don't tell Torgo I let her in."
"No problem." Xander tugged Willow over to the table. She was staring about the bar in confusion.
"What is this place?"
"Apparently, this is where all the worthless characters come to hang."
"You're not worthless, Xander,"
"You know that, and I know that. I'm willing to think of it as a fluke."
Willow nodded and took her seat. A beer materialized in front of her. "So. Tell me about this plan."
<--{4}-->
The poll is now closed. Winner: Capn Jean-Luc Picard!