Fanon Fodder (3/?)
Hugs, prayers, and general love to everyone in London. I hope everyone you know and love got through the emergency okay.
All I can think is I'm sort of glad that, if it had had to happen, it happened over the summer. My college runs a London program out of a house not far from Kings Cross, and maybe it's selfish, but I can't help but be glad that no one would have been in that house from Eckerd today.
I'm reminded of the SNL premiere just after 9/11: "Can we be funny?"
Well. I'm going to try, anyway.
Previous parts may be found here
Xander tipped the visor of his baseball cap up slightly to get a better view of the array of comics in front of him. He'd accompanied Steve to work at the comic book store/gaming den in order to conduct some necessary research for the upcoming challenges. Xander hadn't had much time to bone up on the world of geekdom in the final year in Sunnydale, and this reality had at least two years on him on top of that. He was going to have to read a lot of comic books.
Back in the basement of retro-tackiness, Mike and Frank were working out the specs on some weapons and armor for Xander and Honey Suckle to use, with the help of Susan the gun-nut and Mehri the Aikido master. It seemed strange to Xander that team Paradise Estate was so uniquely skilled when it came to combat, yet had chosen Honey Suckle as their champion. He wasn't so surprised that they were both very attractive women. Attractive women simply didn't surprise him anymore.
"I'm telling you, that's HIM."
"No way. There would have been an announcement, or something."
The not-so-subtle stage whispers around him were beginning to get on his nerves. It seemed that Steve's baseball-cap-and-sunglasses disguise was working less than well. He sighed and slowly turned around. "I'm not, actually. You know, ‘him'."
The two preteens stared openly at him. One clutched a Vamp-Darla action figure to her ample stomach. The other flashed her green and blue braces at him as she handed him a picture.
"Mr. Brendon, sir, could you sign this for me?"
Xander rolled his eye. "I'm not ‘Mr. Brendon'. I just kinda look like him."
The chubby one's eyes widened even further. "Are you Kelly?"
"Omigod!" Braces started chanting. "Omigodomigodomigodyou'reKellyomigod,"
Xander frowned. "Who?"
"WE'RE HUGE FANS!" The two rushed him at once, sending Xander staggering backwards into the comics display. He cast about for an exit, and not finding one, searched instead for a rescue. Steve was nowhere in sight, probably having ducked out back for a toke, the bastard. Xander stuck his hands out hoping to ward off the shrieking girls, but to no avail. They were incredibly agile for geeks, ducking and weaving around his attempts to stave them off until they both clutched handfuls of his borrowed "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me" shirt. "WE LOVE YOU, MR. BRENDON! YOU'RE THE GREATEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD! XANDER'S THE GREATEST!"
Chubby tugged her shirt up, baring a very pale stomach. "Sign me!"
Admittedly, a small part of Xander wanted to lean back, bask in the glow of being a celebrity, and enjoy himself. A larger part of him was terrified.
"I'm not Nick Brendon!"
"Did someone say Nick Brendon was here?"
Xander's head twisted to one side fast enough to pop his neck. It seemed nearly every person who'd been in the comic book store, which was a considerable amount seeing as there was a Magic tournament going on, was crowding into the tiny aisle between stacks of comic books, and headed straight for him.
He was so screwed.
He pushed hard against Chubby and Braces, trying not to wince when his t-shirt ripped. "I'M NOT NICK Brendon!" He hurtled himself towards the front door of the store desperately, shoving geeks out of the way with every step. His glasses and cap were lost at some point in the struggle, and a gasp rippled through the gathered masses.
"He's got an eyepatch!"
"He looks just like him!"
Xander spun back around as he reached the other side of the mob and continued backing towards the door. "Look, I PROMISE you, I'm not Nick Brendon."
"Wait, isn't Steve in the Masters of the Multi-verse competition?"
"It's XANDER!"
Xander was nearly at the door. He could feel the blast of air conditioning from the vent just above him. Nearly to freedom.
"Dammit, I HATE Xander!"
"Aw, crap!" He spun again and lunged for the door, only to get tackled inches from freedom.
"Keep your hands off of him, you Angel-loving freak!"
"He lied to Buffy! I'll kill him!"
"Nooooo! Xander just wanted to save the world!"
"Jealous bastard!"
The remains of Xander's t-shirt shredded away as people alternately tried to attack him or molest him.
"I love you, Xander!"
"You never should have cheated on Cordy!"
"Willow is your one true love!"
He was going to die if he didn't get himself out of here. He managed to throw off an overly affectionate 35 year old man and locked his gaze on the back corner of the store. It was a long shot, but he didn't have any better ideas.
"Look! A distraction in the form of a topless Spike!"
His voice cracked on the name of the blonde vampire, and miraculously, it worked.
"Spike? Where? I love Spike!"
"He's here with Xander?"
"Did he say ‘look, a distraction'?"
Xander didn't pause. He threw himself out the door before they could realize they'd been tricked, and bolted for Steve's car, bellowing for the stoner as he went.
"STEEEEEEEVE!"
"Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" A female voice bellowed back cheerfully. Xander turned to look, and then slammed less-than-gracefully into the side of Steve's sedan.
Mehri grinned at him even as she tossed geek after geek onto the sidewalk. "Thought you might get yourself into trouble."
"Get in!" Xander spun again, wincing as he pulled more muscles in his neck. Susan lay sideways across the front seat of Mike's land-yacht, holding the passenger side door open. Xander lunged for it, ignoring the pained cries of fans and anti-fans behind him as Mehri continued to "distract" the ravening hordes.
Xander slammed himself onto the bench seat, only to get shoved to the middle as Mehri hopped in behind him. "Floor it!" he shrieked, then blinked as he realized that Susan had already done just that. He stared at her. "What are you, some kind of CIA operative?"
Susan smirked. "Sorry, that information is classified."
"Riiiight." Xander leaned back in his seat, looking for the seatbelt. There didn't seem to be one. His neck hurt from craning it to look at Susan, so he stared forward and did his best not to be twitchy with her in his blind spot. "So, not that I'm complaining or anything, but what exactly were you two doing here?"
"Mehri here belongs to a ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer' mailing list. Someone at the store must have had a blackberry or something, because she got an email saying that ‘Nick Brendon' had made a surprise guest appearance at Steve's store. We figured that a real celebrity wouldn't be caught dead there, or at least, not without advance notice, and came to bail you out." Susan's voice remained calm even as she swerved in and out of traffic.
"Well, I'm glad you did." Xander tensed as Susan expertly ran a red light at a busy intersection. "Geez, when did you get so good at this?"
"I took stunt driving classes after college."
Xander ignored the twinges in his neck as he shot a glance at Susan. "Seriously?" She nodded. "You two are, like, too good to be true."
Mehri and Susan exchanged a look, then began laughing. It sounded rather forced. Mehri cleared her throat.
"We, um, we get that a lot."
* * *
Xander slammed his way down the stairs even as he tugged vainly at the hem of his latest borrowed t- shirt. This one, a green camouflage shirt with "Oh no! It's snowing!" printed in white across the chest, belonged to Mike's younger brother, and was subsequently about two sizes too small for him. He glared across the basement at Frank and Mike, who sat in the midst of a pile of gleaming plate-mail. "From now on," He jabbed a finger at Mike. "I'm staying in the Town."
"Pfft," said Frank.
"No can do." Mike completed a drawing with a flourish and a chant, and an ornate, jeweled broad sword appeared in mid-air before dropping to the carpet with a clank. "I only know the spell to get you to the playing field, not the Town."
"That's okay!" Susan bounced down the stairs behind Xander. "Mehri's a wiz with the creative magic. She'll have no trouble getting Xander to the right section of the Town. How's the armory coming?"
"Armor-like." Mike gestured to his pile. "I haven't gotten the gun drawings detailed enough for them to work, yet, though."
"Pfft." Mehri sounded disturbingly like Frank for a moment, and her wicked grin said that she knew this. "Susan's got all the specs you'll need. Just trace them out, and we'll be fine."
Frank narrowed his eyes at the duo. Mike looked like he'd fallen in love. Xander clapped his hands. "Right then. Let's go to Town." He glanced around, suddenly noticing that someone was missing. Well, aside from Steve, who still had another three hours on his shift. "Where's Honey Suckle?"
"We put her in a stable in the Town." Mehri picked up the broadsword one handed and tried a few expert slashes. "She's probably fending off Mr Ed's advances as we speak." She made a stabbing motion at Frank's gut. He just continued to stare at her with that ominous, flat gaze. "The balance on this thing is way off."
"If all goes well, I won't need to use it anyway." Xander leaned over towards the computer. "Any word on my next match?"
"No." Frank's eyes never left Mehri. With the reflection of the monitor off his glasses, it was impossible to tell if he was ogling her or trying to kill her with his laser vision.
"Oookay." Xander glanced at Mike. "Sorry ‘bout the shirt, man, it was either it or me."
"Whatever." Mike took a rolled up schematic from Susan. He was drooling slightly. "I figured it would get screwed up, anyway. What with the fighting, and all."
"Never fear, Mikey," Xander grinned as he reviewed the rules of engagement on the Challenge's home page. "No more fighting. Me and the Multi-verse are going to become good friends."
<--{3}-->
I'm rereading the fifth book in Robert Rankin's Bedford trilogy: The Brentford Chainstore Massacre. I have no idea how Rankin's humor is going to affect mine in writing this.
Don't forget about the poll
ETA Sidekick style: I need some good, underappreciated characters for the next part of this fic. We're talking Xander in Seventh Season style, an interesting character who is simply not paid enough attention by the writers of the book/tv show/movie. The Second Banana, if you will. I've got a few in mind, but I really need to flesh it out with lots of fun cameos!
All I can think is I'm sort of glad that, if it had had to happen, it happened over the summer. My college runs a London program out of a house not far from Kings Cross, and maybe it's selfish, but I can't help but be glad that no one would have been in that house from Eckerd today.
I'm reminded of the SNL premiere just after 9/11: "Can we be funny?"
Well. I'm going to try, anyway.
Previous parts may be found here
Xander tipped the visor of his baseball cap up slightly to get a better view of the array of comics in front of him. He'd accompanied Steve to work at the comic book store/gaming den in order to conduct some necessary research for the upcoming challenges. Xander hadn't had much time to bone up on the world of geekdom in the final year in Sunnydale, and this reality had at least two years on him on top of that. He was going to have to read a lot of comic books.
Back in the basement of retro-tackiness, Mike and Frank were working out the specs on some weapons and armor for Xander and Honey Suckle to use, with the help of Susan the gun-nut and Mehri the Aikido master. It seemed strange to Xander that team Paradise Estate was so uniquely skilled when it came to combat, yet had chosen Honey Suckle as their champion. He wasn't so surprised that they were both very attractive women. Attractive women simply didn't surprise him anymore.
"I'm telling you, that's HIM."
"No way. There would have been an announcement, or something."
The not-so-subtle stage whispers around him were beginning to get on his nerves. It seemed that Steve's baseball-cap-and-sunglasses disguise was working less than well. He sighed and slowly turned around. "I'm not, actually. You know, ‘him'."
The two preteens stared openly at him. One clutched a Vamp-Darla action figure to her ample stomach. The other flashed her green and blue braces at him as she handed him a picture.
"Mr. Brendon, sir, could you sign this for me?"
Xander rolled his eye. "I'm not ‘Mr. Brendon'. I just kinda look like him."
The chubby one's eyes widened even further. "Are you Kelly?"
"Omigod!" Braces started chanting. "Omigodomigodomigodyou'reKellyomigod,"
Xander frowned. "Who?"
"WE'RE HUGE FANS!" The two rushed him at once, sending Xander staggering backwards into the comics display. He cast about for an exit, and not finding one, searched instead for a rescue. Steve was nowhere in sight, probably having ducked out back for a toke, the bastard. Xander stuck his hands out hoping to ward off the shrieking girls, but to no avail. They were incredibly agile for geeks, ducking and weaving around his attempts to stave them off until they both clutched handfuls of his borrowed "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me" shirt. "WE LOVE YOU, MR. BRENDON! YOU'RE THE GREATEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD! XANDER'S THE GREATEST!"
Chubby tugged her shirt up, baring a very pale stomach. "Sign me!"
Admittedly, a small part of Xander wanted to lean back, bask in the glow of being a celebrity, and enjoy himself. A larger part of him was terrified.
"I'm not Nick Brendon!"
"Did someone say Nick Brendon was here?"
Xander's head twisted to one side fast enough to pop his neck. It seemed nearly every person who'd been in the comic book store, which was a considerable amount seeing as there was a Magic tournament going on, was crowding into the tiny aisle between stacks of comic books, and headed straight for him.
He was so screwed.
He pushed hard against Chubby and Braces, trying not to wince when his t-shirt ripped. "I'M NOT NICK Brendon!" He hurtled himself towards the front door of the store desperately, shoving geeks out of the way with every step. His glasses and cap were lost at some point in the struggle, and a gasp rippled through the gathered masses.
"He's got an eyepatch!"
"He looks just like him!"
Xander spun back around as he reached the other side of the mob and continued backing towards the door. "Look, I PROMISE you, I'm not Nick Brendon."
"Wait, isn't Steve in the Masters of the Multi-verse competition?"
"It's XANDER!"
Xander was nearly at the door. He could feel the blast of air conditioning from the vent just above him. Nearly to freedom.
"Dammit, I HATE Xander!"
"Aw, crap!" He spun again and lunged for the door, only to get tackled inches from freedom.
"Keep your hands off of him, you Angel-loving freak!"
"He lied to Buffy! I'll kill him!"
"Nooooo! Xander just wanted to save the world!"
"Jealous bastard!"
The remains of Xander's t-shirt shredded away as people alternately tried to attack him or molest him.
"I love you, Xander!"
"You never should have cheated on Cordy!"
"Willow is your one true love!"
He was going to die if he didn't get himself out of here. He managed to throw off an overly affectionate 35 year old man and locked his gaze on the back corner of the store. It was a long shot, but he didn't have any better ideas.
"Look! A distraction in the form of a topless Spike!"
His voice cracked on the name of the blonde vampire, and miraculously, it worked.
"Spike? Where? I love Spike!"
"He's here with Xander?"
"Did he say ‘look, a distraction'?"
Xander didn't pause. He threw himself out the door before they could realize they'd been tricked, and bolted for Steve's car, bellowing for the stoner as he went.
"STEEEEEEEVE!"
"Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" A female voice bellowed back cheerfully. Xander turned to look, and then slammed less-than-gracefully into the side of Steve's sedan.
Mehri grinned at him even as she tossed geek after geek onto the sidewalk. "Thought you might get yourself into trouble."
"Get in!" Xander spun again, wincing as he pulled more muscles in his neck. Susan lay sideways across the front seat of Mike's land-yacht, holding the passenger side door open. Xander lunged for it, ignoring the pained cries of fans and anti-fans behind him as Mehri continued to "distract" the ravening hordes.
Xander slammed himself onto the bench seat, only to get shoved to the middle as Mehri hopped in behind him. "Floor it!" he shrieked, then blinked as he realized that Susan had already done just that. He stared at her. "What are you, some kind of CIA operative?"
Susan smirked. "Sorry, that information is classified."
"Riiiight." Xander leaned back in his seat, looking for the seatbelt. There didn't seem to be one. His neck hurt from craning it to look at Susan, so he stared forward and did his best not to be twitchy with her in his blind spot. "So, not that I'm complaining or anything, but what exactly were you two doing here?"
"Mehri here belongs to a ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer' mailing list. Someone at the store must have had a blackberry or something, because she got an email saying that ‘Nick Brendon' had made a surprise guest appearance at Steve's store. We figured that a real celebrity wouldn't be caught dead there, or at least, not without advance notice, and came to bail you out." Susan's voice remained calm even as she swerved in and out of traffic.
"Well, I'm glad you did." Xander tensed as Susan expertly ran a red light at a busy intersection. "Geez, when did you get so good at this?"
"I took stunt driving classes after college."
Xander ignored the twinges in his neck as he shot a glance at Susan. "Seriously?" She nodded. "You two are, like, too good to be true."
Mehri and Susan exchanged a look, then began laughing. It sounded rather forced. Mehri cleared her throat.
"We, um, we get that a lot."
* * *
Xander slammed his way down the stairs even as he tugged vainly at the hem of his latest borrowed t- shirt. This one, a green camouflage shirt with "Oh no! It's snowing!" printed in white across the chest, belonged to Mike's younger brother, and was subsequently about two sizes too small for him. He glared across the basement at Frank and Mike, who sat in the midst of a pile of gleaming plate-mail. "From now on," He jabbed a finger at Mike. "I'm staying in the Town."
"Pfft," said Frank.
"No can do." Mike completed a drawing with a flourish and a chant, and an ornate, jeweled broad sword appeared in mid-air before dropping to the carpet with a clank. "I only know the spell to get you to the playing field, not the Town."
"That's okay!" Susan bounced down the stairs behind Xander. "Mehri's a wiz with the creative magic. She'll have no trouble getting Xander to the right section of the Town. How's the armory coming?"
"Armor-like." Mike gestured to his pile. "I haven't gotten the gun drawings detailed enough for them to work, yet, though."
"Pfft." Mehri sounded disturbingly like Frank for a moment, and her wicked grin said that she knew this. "Susan's got all the specs you'll need. Just trace them out, and we'll be fine."
Frank narrowed his eyes at the duo. Mike looked like he'd fallen in love. Xander clapped his hands. "Right then. Let's go to Town." He glanced around, suddenly noticing that someone was missing. Well, aside from Steve, who still had another three hours on his shift. "Where's Honey Suckle?"
"We put her in a stable in the Town." Mehri picked up the broadsword one handed and tried a few expert slashes. "She's probably fending off Mr Ed's advances as we speak." She made a stabbing motion at Frank's gut. He just continued to stare at her with that ominous, flat gaze. "The balance on this thing is way off."
"If all goes well, I won't need to use it anyway." Xander leaned over towards the computer. "Any word on my next match?"
"No." Frank's eyes never left Mehri. With the reflection of the monitor off his glasses, it was impossible to tell if he was ogling her or trying to kill her with his laser vision.
"Oookay." Xander glanced at Mike. "Sorry ‘bout the shirt, man, it was either it or me."
"Whatever." Mike took a rolled up schematic from Susan. He was drooling slightly. "I figured it would get screwed up, anyway. What with the fighting, and all."
"Never fear, Mikey," Xander grinned as he reviewed the rules of engagement on the Challenge's home page. "No more fighting. Me and the Multi-verse are going to become good friends."
<--{3}-->
I'm rereading the fifth book in Robert Rankin's Bedford trilogy: The Brentford Chainstore Massacre. I have no idea how Rankin's humor is going to affect mine in writing this.
Don't forget about the poll
ETA Sidekick style: I need some good, underappreciated characters for the next part of this fic. We're talking Xander in Seventh Season style, an interesting character who is simply not paid enough attention by the writers of the book/tv show/movie. The Second Banana, if you will. I've got a few in mind, but I really need to flesh it out with lots of fun cameos!