(no subject)
I seem to only update when I'm sad lately, OH WELL.
Things have worked out with my internship in the sense that I finally got put on a regular schedule and started knocking out some hours...but I fucking hate it. It's all community organization and outreach and I don't mind doing stuff like working tables at events and talking to people about drugs and alcohol but I HATE having to cold call people to ask for donations and that's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've been trying to look at it positively and think "well I guess it's good for me to force myself to do the things I don't like/am bad at, because that will help me get better at them and make me more well-rounded, etc." but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not gaining any experience in direct care, which is what I actually want to do and where the most job opportunities are. I told my supervisor right off the bat during my interview that I want to be able to at least observe how things are run at a treatment facility during my placement and she said she would set me up somewhere one day a week but then never followed through. So I guess I need to quit bitching and get on her about that again so that I don't end up learning only about prevention.
Having a shitty flare-up with my acne and I want to scream. I was just at my dermatologist yesterday talking about how great my skin is doing and then this morning I woke up to a MASSIVE breakout. I freaked out and called out of work, which I haven't done in a really long time. I feel stupid letting the state of my skin control my life but it's just so fucking hard dealing with this. I mean, even when my skin is clear I don't feel great about it. All I can focus on is all the red marks from all the old breakouts that never seem to completely fade. Even if the breakouts eventually do stop for good and I end up with 100% flawless skin, I don't think I'll feel confident about it. The damage from living with acne for so long has been done.
Not looking forward to the holidays. My favorite aunt is dead, and my uncle and cousin moved to Minnesota (where my uncle is from) to start over so there's a huge chunk of my little family missing. I have to work Christmas Day at CaptionCall which I was kind of bummed about at first but now I figure it'll be okay. I'll get paid time and a half and it'll be a good distraction from how sad and painful this first Christmas is going to be without my aunt and her family around. I'm starting to lose my shit at CaptionCall, though. I just passed my year anniversary there and I don't know how much longer I can do it. It's SO unstimulating and by the end of every shift (sometimes at the end of the first hour) I feel like crawling out of my skin. I applied for a different position at the company, where I'd be helping train new employees, but I completely choked during the interview. I'm not good at interviews to begin with and I was getting pummeled with weird questions that I didn't know how to answer, such as "how do you best receive communication?" so I got incredibly nervous and just kind of shut down. At least I tried, I guess.
I'm having dinner at my favorite restaurant the weekend before my actual birthday to celebrate, and that seems to be coming together okay. Emily promised she would come down for it, which make me really happy. Jenny and Zach are going to come down too. I don't know if my dad will be able to make it because he's having surgery next week and he might not be recovered enough to make the trip here from Prescott. His surgery is a whole other thing stressing me out and making me sad but this is already getting super long so I won't go into it in this entry. Uhh but other than that it's pretty much just going to be my mom and grandma at my dinner and that's it. Not too big a crowd, which is fine and everything, but I invited Jamie and Garth a few days ago and neither of them even responded, which is not fine. There are few things that make me feel more shitty about myself than people who I thought were a couple of my closest friends not even bothering to return a text message from me. I've come to expect it from Garth and have come to the conclusion that we're basically not friends anymore, but Jamie and I had this big talk not too long ago about how it hurts me when she won't even get back to me when I ask her to hang out. She was so apologetic about it, but then she goes and does it again when I invite her to my fucking birthday party. Wtf.
I finally met a guy that I genuinely like after dating nothing but duds this year, so that's cool. Things seem to be going well, but of course I'm still kind of expecting everything to fall apart because I'm a hopeless cynic about relationships at this point. But we'll see. He's adorable and affectionate and has a weird sense of humor like me, so no complaints so far. Although if my skin continues breaking out like crazy I'm probably going to get all reclusive and start avoiding him, cause that's what I do. Sigh.
Things have worked out with my internship in the sense that I finally got put on a regular schedule and started knocking out some hours...but I fucking hate it. It's all community organization and outreach and I don't mind doing stuff like working tables at events and talking to people about drugs and alcohol but I HATE having to cold call people to ask for donations and that's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've been trying to look at it positively and think "well I guess it's good for me to force myself to do the things I don't like/am bad at, because that will help me get better at them and make me more well-rounded, etc." but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not gaining any experience in direct care, which is what I actually want to do and where the most job opportunities are. I told my supervisor right off the bat during my interview that I want to be able to at least observe how things are run at a treatment facility during my placement and she said she would set me up somewhere one day a week but then never followed through. So I guess I need to quit bitching and get on her about that again so that I don't end up learning only about prevention.
Having a shitty flare-up with my acne and I want to scream. I was just at my dermatologist yesterday talking about how great my skin is doing and then this morning I woke up to a MASSIVE breakout. I freaked out and called out of work, which I haven't done in a really long time. I feel stupid letting the state of my skin control my life but it's just so fucking hard dealing with this. I mean, even when my skin is clear I don't feel great about it. All I can focus on is all the red marks from all the old breakouts that never seem to completely fade. Even if the breakouts eventually do stop for good and I end up with 100% flawless skin, I don't think I'll feel confident about it. The damage from living with acne for so long has been done.
Not looking forward to the holidays. My favorite aunt is dead, and my uncle and cousin moved to Minnesota (where my uncle is from) to start over so there's a huge chunk of my little family missing. I have to work Christmas Day at CaptionCall which I was kind of bummed about at first but now I figure it'll be okay. I'll get paid time and a half and it'll be a good distraction from how sad and painful this first Christmas is going to be without my aunt and her family around. I'm starting to lose my shit at CaptionCall, though. I just passed my year anniversary there and I don't know how much longer I can do it. It's SO unstimulating and by the end of every shift (sometimes at the end of the first hour) I feel like crawling out of my skin. I applied for a different position at the company, where I'd be helping train new employees, but I completely choked during the interview. I'm not good at interviews to begin with and I was getting pummeled with weird questions that I didn't know how to answer, such as "how do you best receive communication?" so I got incredibly nervous and just kind of shut down. At least I tried, I guess.
I'm having dinner at my favorite restaurant the weekend before my actual birthday to celebrate, and that seems to be coming together okay. Emily promised she would come down for it, which make me really happy. Jenny and Zach are going to come down too. I don't know if my dad will be able to make it because he's having surgery next week and he might not be recovered enough to make the trip here from Prescott. His surgery is a whole other thing stressing me out and making me sad but this is already getting super long so I won't go into it in this entry. Uhh but other than that it's pretty much just going to be my mom and grandma at my dinner and that's it. Not too big a crowd, which is fine and everything, but I invited Jamie and Garth a few days ago and neither of them even responded, which is not fine. There are few things that make me feel more shitty about myself than people who I thought were a couple of my closest friends not even bothering to return a text message from me. I've come to expect it from Garth and have come to the conclusion that we're basically not friends anymore, but Jamie and I had this big talk not too long ago about how it hurts me when she won't even get back to me when I ask her to hang out. She was so apologetic about it, but then she goes and does it again when I invite her to my fucking birthday party. Wtf.
I finally met a guy that I genuinely like after dating nothing but duds this year, so that's cool. Things seem to be going well, but of course I'm still kind of expecting everything to fall apart because I'm a hopeless cynic about relationships at this point. But we'll see. He's adorable and affectionate and has a weird sense of humor like me, so no complaints so far. Although if my skin continues breaking out like crazy I'm probably going to get all reclusive and start avoiding him, cause that's what I do. Sigh.