the dark
i never saw myself as a person who would be okay with telling a stranger what was going on in my head. I always thought it a sign of weakness. Dont ask me why. Now i am one of those people. I dont know if it is helping yet....i cant even figure out what is wrong, but i have to start somewhere and i guess it is here. I dont know how this is all going to work out and i doubt that this will come to much of anything. Things have looked black for so long that i dont see a way out. The pills will make me a mirage of myself as they havent really had much of an effect mentally yet. I am afraid that i will become just a shadow of myself. i saw what happened to M. when he took them and the dependency he had. I dont want that. If i cant work this out on my own i would rather give in to my darkness than rely on a pill and not recognize what is true and real anymore. I feel really alone. My friends are gone doing their own thing and the people that are here are new and not trustworthy yet. M. has been really understanding but i dont feel right going to him about everything because our relationship is so unstable as it is. I dont know when the last time i will see him is and it feels like it could be every time i say good bye to him. I dont see our friendship or whatever it is we have as long term and so i feel like at any second he could abandon me without a second thought. I dont know. I feel tired of doing this and tired of trying. I buried it for so long that i dont even know what is wrong anymore. I have not known myself for so many years that i have given a fake impression to everyone recently and who knows what they would think if they knew how i really thought and felt. I care too much about what everyone else thinks. i dont know how to restart. I hope heinemann knows what she is doing because something has got to give.