Sometimes...those brick walls look tempting
How could I be so STUPID. SO STUPID. Oh my god. I LOST MY PASSPORT. How could I be so FUCKING STUPID. Looks like I'm not going to Nicaragua. I cannot even believe it. Ugh.
so here's an rp. because yeah. i felt like it.
I love these two characters together. They are so different from each other that they're just constantly foiling...
Always Know Where You Are
Babylon
Mashid Sahar paced the large gates of the White Tower, irritating, amusing and frightening the Tower Guards, and ignoring the pouring rain. The rain, thicker than a horse’s mane, was pooling on the soaked ground and the mud splashed up against Mashid’s clean new britches. She did not notice this, nor the fact that she now resembled a drowned cat. Her dark brow was furrowed, and her lips muttered angry words that would make any sailor blush. Her hands were hitched behind her back, locked in hooked forefingers and water pooled in her palms and spilled out in miniature waterfalls. Her boots clapped, splashed and sloshed as she paced between the two wide walls. Occasionally she paused to let someone pass through, but few were returning through the gates at this time of night. The gates were only open because Mashid refused to pace inside or outside of them, and the Tower Guards were not going to argue with her. She had a reputation in the Tower for having a temper worse than, well, a soaked cat.
If someone had told Mashid that she would have felt this protective so soon over the Illianer Aes Sedai, she would have laughed at them and then likely landed her fist in their temple. The Illianer woman was proud, and arrogant, and pompous, and an outcast. She assumed she was right, even when she was wrong, and she was aloof and too much of a maverick. In a Tower that did not reward those sheep who strayed from the path, Tigrae Lior of the Blue Ajah came dangerously close to going too far. And several times, she had gone too far. Rarely did an Ajah dismiss a Sitter in such secrecy, and rarely did an Ajah outcast a sister so well that she felt the need to leave the Tower for some period of time. And for that sister who had previously traveled alone to desire the protection of a Gaidar required serious deviation from the set rules. And despite all of this, Tigrae Sedai continued along her maverick ways, considering her motivations and actions far more undercover than they truly were. Everyone knew what she wanted, and everyone knew she would not give up the dream of uniting the Towers. Tigrae seemed oblivious to the fact that everyone else knew what she wanted, and did foolish things like tonight.
“Like tonight!” snapped Mashid aloud and shot a glare into the well lit streets of Tar Valon. The Aes Sedai had foolishly refused Mashid’s protection and for all Mashid knew, the woman lay dead outside the gates of the Black Tower. Of course, that would take care of Mashid’s problem with the Aes Sedai’s earlier proposal. It still shocked Mashid that someone had asked her to be their Warder. Mashid knew that the Tower had been shocked when she returned home without her bondmate years ago, and assumed that the image of her failure was so engrained in the brains of the Aes Sedai she would not find another bondmate. And even when Mashid did consider what she would say if asked to bond, she never saw a proposal coming from Tigrae Sedai. But no matter what the Tairen Gaidar thought, the Illianer Aes Sedai seemed to do quite the opposite.
Mashid had thought about it while she bathed, and while she washed her clothing, and while she folded it and placed it in her bedchest. She thought about the idea of Tigrae as her Aes Sedai while she found something to eat after her Healing. She mulled it over in her mind, turned it over in her mouth, spun it around in a basin of wash, and closed it in the drawers. In the end, she thought that the Bonding seemed logical. Tigrae needed protection, perhaps because she was so foolish and made enemies everywhere she looked. Mashid knew she was not as strong because of the death of her Aes Sedai ten years ago. She also felt excited at the prospect of traveling, protecting, guiding, and fighting with an Aes Sedai again. Even after ten years, she remembered what it felt like to have a purpose in her life, to have a bondmate and share every single one of your emotions and experiences with another person. She wanted to have purpose in her life again. She hated staying around the Tower.
Glancing into the dark again, Mashid felt the quiverings of anger and anticipation in her chest. She hated the Asha’man and if the M’Hael or whoever Tigrae was meeting lay a finger on her, Mashid was sure she would fly into a rage and kill every black-coated blasted cursed offspring of the Black Tower she could find. And she was fairly sure that she’d have the Tower’s backing on that. If the Black Tower harmed another Aes Sedai, the Amyrlin would not be able to tolerate that. Mashid growled deep in her throat and kicked at a particularly large puddle. She could not, however, say that Tigrae hadn’t asked for it, visiting the Black Tower in the middle of the night without protecting.
“Bloody flaming Aes Sedai!” Mashid added a few swear words for colorful effect. The Gaidin who served in the Tower Guard raised their eyebrows and looked at each other and her, as if contemplating whether telling Mashid to cool her heels. But they chose not to say anything.
Abruptly, a cloaked figure stepped into the lantern light outside the gate and a hand reached up to sweep her hood off her head. The pale gray eyes of Tigrae Sedai glittered at the furious Gaidar as she freed her long blonde hair and walked towards the gate. “Were you talking about me in particular, Mashid Gaidar, or my sisters, brothers and I in the plural form?”
“Curse you, Tigrae Sedai,” Mashid exploded the breath trapped in her chest. “You-,”
“So me in particular,” Tigrae Sedai cut in smoothly, nodding to the guards and walking past Mashid. “Walk with me, Mashid. I believe we are to continue an earlier discussion.”
Babel
Sometime between leaving the Black Tower, and arriving at the White Tower, Tigrae Lior came to the realization that not all of her actions were explicable or, worse, pragmatic. Skimming to the Black Tower in the middle of the night, after having asked a temperamental Tairen to be her Warder, was probably one of the more irrational series of decisions Tigrae had ever made in her life. Though she knew she was a bit of a black sheep amongst the Aes Sedai, she thought that she was a smart, pragmatic and rational woman. But after nearly being caught by the Asha'man guards, and then being too tired to Skim very far, Tigrae was ready to assign herself a penance. When she arrived back at the gates and found a very wet and furious Gaidar, Tigrae realized she had set up a penance before she left by refusing to allow the woman to accompany her. The woman was stomping around childishly in the mud, muttering profanities and cruel words towards Aes Sedai, or perhaps Tigrae alone, under her breath. For a moment, the Aes Sedai stood in the shadows and watched the Gaidar. The fact that Mashid displayed so much public protection over Tigrae was perhaps a good sign, or a sign of insanity. The woman had been, Tigrae remembered, very protective of Zainar Sedai. But according to everyone with whom Tigrae spoke, Mashid was an excellent Gaidar and very strong mentally and physically. Zainar's death had been difficult, but not devestating to the point where Mashid could not recover.
Tigrae made sure to push back her hood as she stepped into the light and greeted the Gaidar. She tried to give the Gaidar the benefit of the doubt, but the woman's anger filled and warmed the damp air as she snapped a tart reply to the Aes Sedai. Coldly, Tigrae indicated that the woman should follow her and they walked silently into the Tower. Tigrae glanced at the mudtracks behind Mashid and quietly embraced saidar to clean them up. It would not do to have someone become curious and follow them. Tigrae had a suspicious feeling that another fight was about to erupt in the air between the two women. Letting things go was not, apparently, either woman's strong suit. The Gaidar had stopped stomping, thankfully, and was walking quietly, her footsteps nearly inaudible on the stone corridors. Tigrae and Mashid slipped into Tigrae's quarters and Tigrae quickly lit a fire and handed Mashid a blanket. The Gaidar glanced at the blanket, and then at Tigrae, and quickly used the blanket to wipe off her boots. Tigrae's jaw nearly dropped open but her lips quivered in a smile.
Ducking her head, Tigrae tried to stop the smile but it broke across her face and a chuckle, then full laughter, soon followed. She sat down abruptly in a chair, hands over her mouth, as she doubled over laughing. Mashid's expression was shocked, her mouth open as she held the blanket still against one of her muddied legs. She glanced at the blanket, at Tigrae, and then at the door as if she was about to make a run for it. Tigrae did not know why she thought it was so funny, but apparently she did. The stress of the evening was releasing itself, and Tigrae couldn't stop it. Nor did she want to stop it, because she wanted to cement the image of Mashid's face into her brain. When she was finally able to catch her breath, she waved a hand slightly, gesturing to Mashid to finish wiping her boots off with the blanket. Slowly, and cautiously as if the idea of using the blanket to wipe up the mud no longer held its appeal, Mashid grudgingly finished wiping off her feet and then folded up the blanket and reached forward awkwardly to settle it next to the fire.
"So you are not happy with me?" Tigrae asked, still grinning as she channeled two cups of tea over to the table between the Gaidar and herself. "Or is that a silly question? I am sorry that I needed to go alone tonight."
She quickly warded the room against eavesdropping, as an afterthought, and handed a teacup to Mashid. The Gaidar handled the teacup delicately, took a sip and looked a little brighter. She set the teacup down and looked at Tigrae, "I think, if we are to Bond, we ought to work on our communication, Aes Sedai. It is, after all, nearly dawn. I did not get the impression it would take you all night to speak with the Asha'man. What happened?"
"I do not need to tell you that," Tigrae replied coolly, taking a sip of her tea. "I did not give the impression that it would be a brief visit. I do believe you overreacted, Mashid Gaidar."
"And I think you lack a general understanding of your own mortality, Tigrae Sedai." Mashid's quip was equally cool and she held the teacup a few inches from her lips, eyebrows raised.
Tigrae set down her teacup and stared into the pale yellow water. She was not willing to admit that perhaps she and Mashid were not the perfect match. She thought she needed someone who could counter her, stand up to her, remind her of exactly what Mashid said: her own mortality. Tigrae knew that her dream of uniting the Towers was playing with a bar of Fire, an element she did not have the greatest control over. But, Tigrae did not envision ever Bonding someone under such tense and unfriendly terms. Taking a deep breath, Tigrae decided to let go of all her pretenses, assumptions, and allusions of grandeur and position. She looked up again, meeting Mashid's eyes with her own clear ones and an open face. "We are in a bind, Mashid. You and I both know this. Where do we stand now? Is this going to work, or is this where we part ways, and decided to be friends?" Either way, we're starting a friendship. This never was a friendship to begin with.
Hypotheses
Mashid watched Tigrae's face closely, trying to read the Aes Sedai as her head was ducked. She was coming to a decision, but Mashid couldn't tell what decision that was. Perhaps it was to dismiss Mashid, perhaps it was to chide Mashid. Perhaps it was something else entirely. Mashid knew she took a risk everytime she stood up to an Aes Sedai, but something told her that the risk was minimal with Tigrae Sedai. As much as Mashid did not like the woman for her personality, though she respected her for her ambition, Mashid felt an implicit understanding that Tigrae respected the views of others enough to accept them from wherever they came, Novice, Accepted, Trainee, Youngling, Aes Sedai, or Gaidar. She realized, suddenly, with a small spark of understanding, why Zainer liked the woman so much. He had always spoke highly of Tigrae Sedai, and Mashid had ignored him for the most part because she did not know Tigrae Sedai except by reputation. But here, here stood a woman with whom Zainer was likely very good friends. They shared the same ambition, the same sense of humor, the same respect of Mashid, and the same unspoken understanding that societal risk was involved with high stakes ambition. Ambition, thought Mashid not without a moment of sadness, would be the cause of death for many a good Aes Sedai.
Abruptly, Tigrae Sedai looked up again at Mashid and said very clearly, "We are in a bind, Mashid. You and I both know this. Where do we stand now? Is this going to work, or is this where we part ways, and decided to be friends?"
Mashid blinked and sat up straight, quickly setting her teacup on the table. She had not expected the woman to come to the decision to act openly with Mashid, but she highly respected and welcomed the decision. Pressing the palms of her hands together, Mashid tried to read the woman's expression. She saw confusion and concern, but also a great deal of hope and determination. Pursing her lips, Mashid decided to let slip her own guards. It was only fair, after all. She sighed heavily and shrugged. The questions were not easy questions. They were questions that were bound to come up this evening, or morning, or however the Aes Sedai was looking at it. And it was best if the questions were answered now, rather than set aside and buried under traveling and responsibilities. Letting go of a Bond was painful for both bondmates, and it was rarely done. Zainer had done it to save Mashid's life, and Mashid was determined that no Aes Sedai ever have to do that for her again, regardless of the motivations behind the release.
In truth, Mashid herself was not sure where to go. She saw the great potential in the Bond between her and Tigrae. With all pretenses and mental limitations set aside, Mashid understood that both of them needed this bond, if it could work. Tigrae needed someone to protect her, guide her, and make sure she did not do anything completely and utterly stupid while she quested for the united Towers. Mashid did not trust Tigrae to pursue her task with an understanding of the risks associated with such ambitious plans, and thus saw her role in being the patient Warder for the outcasted, maverick and overly ambitious Aes Sedai. Indeed, it would be her second time fulfilling such a role. But Mashid knew that without a bondmate, it was unlikely that she would live much longer. Despite Zainer letting the bond go, Mashid felt the leech. She had suffered from his injuries, and she was aging as it was. But did two selfish reasons make a healthy decision to bond? That was where Mashid was stuck. She wasn't not sure that an ambitious Aes Sedai should bond solely to prevent assassins from either side from taking her head, and she was not sure she should be using Tigrae Sedai to stay healthier and live a more productive and fulfilling life. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that few Bondings were for unselfish reasons. There were always selfish reasons behind Bondings when the bondmates really thought about the process and the motivations. Then again, the White Tower had never prided itself on selflessness.
She opened her mouth and shut it again, puzzled. Tigrae snorted softly and said, "You can't not speak your mind. You've never stopped before, and now we're both being honest and open. What were you going to say, Mashid?"
Mashid bit her lower lip and started again, speaking quickly and quietly so that Tigrae wouldn't interrupt her. "Say we were to Bond. Just imagine it for a moment. Could we live together? Travel together? Eat together? Live inside each other's heads? Constantly? You've never been Bonded, Aes Sedai, so I highly suggest you think about it. You know me well enough to know that my emotions are rarely tempered and often strong. Can you stand to know what I think and feel all the time? Will you constantly be blocking me out?"
Tigrae looked thoughtful as she sipped at her tea. "I don't know. I don't think I can answer that now. That's not something I can even imagine. I don't think I'd block you out though. That's not fair."
"Don't make promises, Aes Sedai, that you cannot keep. You will, at some point, want to block the bond and that is fine. I'm not saying it is wrong. Doing it all the time, however, would create problems." Mashid explained wisely, picking up her tea and draining the cup in a gulp. She stared into the bottom of the cup at the few stray loose tea leaves, and then continued. "Let's continue to imagine we are Bonded. What do you think our biggest personal hurdle would be?"
"We don't get along?" Tigrae grinned at the Gaidar who couldn't resist grinning back and shaking her head. Her dark braid swung softly side to side on Mashid's back.
"I think we could get along, if we both made a few sacrifices," Mashid countered gently. "Like perhaps I won't look for the bad in you, and you won't do or say things specifically to irritate me."
"That's true," admitted the Aes Sedai and they both felt silent for a long moment.
Mashid took a deep breath and stared into the bottom of the cup for a longer period of time. For a long time, she thought this day would come. When she faced herself, she realized she had known she would likely bond again but she didn't know how she would handle it. Now, she was finding out. This was the crossroads, and there were no signs labeling the destinations. She could not foretell where she would go, or what would happen, on either path. The Pattern would weave as the Pattern willed, no matter what she did, but she wondered what would happen if she walked away. What if Tigrae Sedai was killed by an Asha'man? Would Mashid feel guilty over the Aes Sedai's death, knowing she could have prevented it? Would it be wiser, perhaps, for the Aes Sedai to bond a channeller because her greatest threat came from the Asha'man? Would Mashid be able to face Asha'man and not feel overwhelming fury? Would she be able to set aside her own prejudices?
Tasting the bitter taste of recognition of defeat, Mashid knew she could not answer these questions before they happened. Pouring herself a second cup of tea, Mashid looked over at the blonde haired Illianer. "I suppose it is time to talk about the parameters of the bondmate relationship, then, Aes Sedai."
"Are you accepting, Mashid Gaidar?" Tigrae Sedai sounded so hopefully.
Squash. "Not yet. I want to talk about the rules. You first."
Guidelines
Rules? Parameters? Tigrae didn't think she had ever met a Gaidar who was more uptight and difficult than Mashid. She almost offered to draw up a contract, but was too amused by how perfectly Gray she sounded to actually speak the words aloud. And she did not think that Mashid would be amused by Tigrae poking fun at the Gaidar's need for a structured environment. With a start, Tigrae realized she had already acquiesed to the Gaidar's hypothetical suggestion about Tigrae avoiding purposeful irritation of the Tairen. And Tigrae understood that the Gaidar's acceptance of the Bonding would be her seeing the good in the Aes Sedai. Some part of Tigrae wanted to live up to expectations, or perhaps she needed to exceed expectations. You're a firestorm all on your own. Tigrae recalled Mashid's earlier words and silently wished she wasn't so eager for Mashid's approval. But she would not bond anyone else, and she needed a Warder. Whatever it would take to convince Mashid, Tigrae would do. She needed a sword between her, and anyone who wanted to prevent her from doing what she did best: stir up controversy. She was a reverse Gray, perhaps. She did not like to solve things. She liked to find the puzzle and point it out to everyone else in the room. Solving the puzzle was up to other people.
Tigrae thought that perhaps that was why she was so confused by Mashid's request for rules and parameters. She knew they were not alike, but she did not know that the Gaidar was this structured of a thinker. She remembered their journey to Shienar, and realized that Mashid had settled in her role as a Gaidar not a Warder and that was why she did not ask for specific guidelines or where they were going or why they were going to Shienar. Tigrae had respected that on the trip, but now she understood why. The Gaidar had set her own rules and parameters, perhaps without realizing it. Tigrae wondered how much was training with the Gaidin and Gaidar, and how much of it was instinctive and natural. Some were cut out for the training, but not for being Warder, and Tigrae made a mental note to stop by Jari Gaidin and ask him why some made it as Warders and others did not. Or I could ask Mashid.
"What makes a good Warder, Mashid?" Tigrae asked curiously, setting down her teacup and leaning forward and tugging her shawl around her shoulders. "Why do some recruits become soldiers, and others Warders?"
Mashid looked up at the ceiling for a moment, apparently not caught off guard. Tigrae wondered what could catch this woman entirely offguard. Carefully, she answered, "I can't answer that. I think every person in the Garrison would answer that differently. Some may say that it is the personality of the recruit, or the ambition of the recruit. Others would say that it is weaponry strength, or interpersonal skills. A Gaidin who cannot stand up to an Aes Sedai and say 'No, Aes Sedai, that is too unsafe. We're taking this route' is an entirely useless Warder, though he is still a good Gaidin. Few come to full rank not being able to take orders, so I don't think that's it. I think, in the end, some people think they can be Warders but find that the weight of carrying someone else's safety and life every single hour of every single day for one's entire life is just too much. Others, like me, I guess, find that we just don't have the focus and purpose in our lives unless we're doing exactly that. Maybe some of us were just born to be Warders, and others were not. I can't explain that, though."
Tigrae nodded slowly, and poured herself more tea. Stirring in sugar carefully, the Aes Sedai allowed herself time to process all of the information. It would make sense then, that Mashid was even entertaining the idea of bonding someone else. Even after the tragedy of Zainar's death, Mashid seemed to feel as if it were her life's duty and purpose to be Bonded to an Aes Sedai. She had said it flat out, but Tigrae wondered what led someone to devote their life to someone else. Mashid did not lack control over her own life, and nor did she grow up scattered as some people had. She was a structured, focused individual. Tigrae tried to convince herself that there may not be a clear answer, but this time, she actually wanted the answer, not just the question.
"It's no different," Mashid said after a moment, "then explaining why some Aes Sedai are so devoted to the White Tower, and some Aes Sedai are so devoted to their Ajah, and some Aes Sedai are so devoted to their individual pursuits."
Tigrae looked up at her with wide gray eyes and said slowly, "Those are dangerous words, Mashid."
"True words, though."
Mashid's bluntness and honesty could be shocking. Tigrae nodded carefully, glad she had warded the room, and whispered, "Very true. But very dangerous. We all stand for the White Tower."
Mashid's eyes glinted and Tigrae's narrowed. For a long moment, Tigrae was sure that they would come to sharp words again, for a statement about the Black Tower was on the edge of Mashid's tongue and the Aes Sedai knew that the daggered words could cause a fight that would leave her without a Warder and Mashid without a purpose. She held Mashid's gaze, nearly daring the woman to say exactly what she was going to say. And Mashid nearly did it. She nearly accused Tigrae of putting the Black Tower before the White, but in the end, the Gaidar backed down smoothly and without looking defeated. Tigrae relaxed too and took a sip of her tea.
She grimaced, "Too much sugar."
"You put in five spoonfuls." Mashid made a face at the teacup as well. "That's a lot of sugar."
"You could have said something," Tigrae gulped down the sugary tea very quickly and felt as if she would gag. "Why didn't you say something?"
"Because it wasn't life threatening, and because you need to learn to pay attention to those things," Mashid said calmly, watching Tigrae pour herself another cup of tea.
Tigrae glanced up as she poured. "Is that the first rule?"
Mashid watched her teacup with raised eyebrows, and then Tigrae realized the cup was overflowing into the saucer. She stopped pouring. Mashid smirked, met Tigrae's eyes and nodded, "Yes, that's the first rule."
Speak
Mashid watched Tigrae closer than she thought the woman was watching her, and decided that Tigrae needed her more than Mashid needed Tigrae. The woman was a little oblivious, and if she ruined one more cup of tea, Mashid thought she'd just blatantly laugh at the hapless Aes Sedai. The thin pale blonde woman who looked as if she had not slept well in months, who waved with her wrists limp and gentle, who tossed her head proudly without even realizing it, was far more afraid of the others in the Tower than she would ever let on. Her slow, shocked reaction to Mashid's accusation had proved that and Mashid was satisfied with her reaction. Mashid barely heard Tigrae's quick and nonsensical list of potential rules on the potential bonding. The woman's voice could be irritating, and was easily blocked out when Mashid tried.
Zainer was tapping his quill against his lip, looking up thoughtfully at the ceiling. Mashid eyed him in amusement as she tried to read her book, but he was too distracting. Every few seconds, he'd mutter some words in Old Tongue and scribble a few lines before resuming his position of staring at the ceiling. Mashid had already made quips about the inspiration the ceiling was apparently providing, but he barely seemed to notice her and continued his bizarre methodology of finding writing inspiration. If there was one thing Mashid had learned about Zainer, in the last year, she knew better than to rush his thoughts. He was not an impulsive thinker and he was not prone to sharing his thoughts before he himself had fully fleshed them out in his head. He was a slow thinker, a deliberate thinker, and a careful man. Mashid originally teased him about being one of the oldest male Aes Sedai, but it hadn't taken long to shut up. Zai was very protective of his status as a man in the White Tower, and he was very protective of other White Tower males. Nothing made him happier than seeing a new male Novice walk through the doors.
"I think that we should try to work by consensus," Tigrae was saying, walking in a small circle. Mashid noted that she was actually wearing a path in the thick carpet. She wanted to tell Tigrae that consensus didn't work, but there was no tactful way of doing so. The Aes Sedai would learn by experience that consensus did not work between bondmates. She would not believe Mashid if Mashid explained now. But sooner or later, the Aes Sedai would amend any rules set now. No relationship that lasted ever stayed the same. Like the seasons, relationships changed.
Zainer suddenly sat up, taking his feet off the desk and slapped his hands on the desk. "I've figured it out."
Mashid grinned at him and lay her book quietly on her lap, watching him with amusement from across study. "You've figured what out, Zai? How to find every Darkfriend? How to mend your socks?"
He stood up and read his parchment silently, chewing on his lower lip. His silence and lack of response to her quips made Mashid sober up quickly and she leaned forward curiously. He opened his mouth, then shut it, and then walked three steps and turned back to his desk. Now he had Mashid worried. It was rare for Zainer to look so agitated. She was going to open her mouth and probe again, but then he spun on his heel and looked her dead in the eye.
"No, I figured out how to convince you to be my Warder."
"I don't know," Tigrae said idly, stirring a new cup of tea and staring into the fire. "I never thought I'd Bond a Gaidar. Gaidin, perhaps, and there was a day when I was trying to find a Gaidin. I never wanted to bond anyone for romantic reasons--it just didn't make sense to me. I need a Warder who will make smart reasonable decisions, not emotional ones. I can't even stand emotional women, they drive me insane. I suppose that my decision to ask you was even more pragmatic. We seemed to work together well enough when we were traveling together, don't you agree?"
Mashid carefully closed her book, buying herself more time. She took a deep breath and glanced up at him. "You want me to be your Warder?"
"Yes. And I've been compiling a list of reasons why you should agree."
"Throw it away. You don't need to convince me. It's the right thing." Mashid realized she had been waiting for him to ask her.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"So I just wasted all of that time."
"Pretty much."
"Blood and ashes, Mashid, you always have to be difficult."
Mashid blinked and realized Tigrae was staring at her with narrowed eyes. "I'm sorry, Aes Sedai. I was...remembering when Zainer asked me to be his Warder."
"How long did you balk?" Tigrae grinned, as if expecting to hear a long story about how the strong personalities of Mashid and Zainer clashed for a long time before she relented and agreed. When Mashid refuted that, Tigrae looked stunned and went very quiet. Mashid wanted to know what was going through her head, but they would have to be bonded already to accomplish that feat. Steeling herself for whatever outbreak the woman had planned, Mashid was surprised when Tigrae sighed heavily, "So this is you saying no, isn't it. You don't believe it will work."
Mashid raised her eyebrows, and then decided to spit it out. "Quite the opposite, Aes Sedai. I was actually remembering that perhaps Zai and I Bonded without enough thought and reason behind it. We knew we worked well together, and we were as close as sister and brother. That was our reasoning as far as it was discussed. You and I have agonized over this, discussed it, thought about it alone, and in this room. Maybe you and I will butt heads occasionally, and perhaps we will fight often. Maybe we aren't the perfect match, but it makes sense and we both know it. You need a Warder, and we did work well together."
Standing up and squaring her shoulders, the Tairen took a deep breath. "You are proud, arrogant, and occasionally stupid. You've stood up to elements in the Tower with whom you should have stood down. You are a maverick and I don't agree one bit with what you are doing. I hate Asha'man with all of my heart. I think they are trained to be monsters. The only good male channellers come through this Tower. I am loud, blunt, and stubborn. But this...this seems right. You were right. We'll keep each other amused, entertained, sane and realistic."
Drawing her sword, Mashid held it at arm's length in front of her, pointing it towards the ceiling. The light from the fire glinting, played and wrapped itself around the steel blade. Mashid admired it for a moment then closed her eyes and knelt before the standing Aes Sedai, dipping her head and resting it across her knees. "Tigrae Lior, Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah, I accept your offer of Bonding."
Sealed
When Mashid drew her blade, Tigrae felt a flicker of fear and realized for the first time how warm the fire was and how little she knew Mashid. She couldn't remember if Mashid ever drew her sword when she accompanied Tigrae to Malkier, and watched in dreaded horror as the Gaidar looked fondly upon the glittering steel, twisting it in front of the fire. The orange flames reflected off the sword, wrapping long tendrils around the blade as if attempting to pull it into the mouth of the fire. Tigrae had never seen what a sword did when exposed to fire for a long period of time. She wondered if the metal warped, or whether the heat stretched up through the blade so quickly that the swordbearer had to drop the sword for fear of burning her hand. Mashid's expression when facing the blade was one of utter calmness and yet expectation. Tigrae embraced saidar and held herself tall. She did not know what the Gaidar meant to do. Abruptly, the Gaidar closed her eyes, took a deep breath and knelt before Tigrae.
The Aes Sedai's jaw dropped open as the Gaidar rested her sword on her knee, and then accepted Tigrae's offer of Bonding. She stood for a long moment, her palms pressed against her sides as her arms remained crossed over her chest protectively. She took another deep breath and released it very slowly. She had not expected this. Mashid's manner over the last few minutes had convinced her that the Gaidar was thinking otherwise and Tigrae had felt nothing short of immense disappointment. She thought she had thought it through, that she had understood exactly how to present it to a cynical woman who had lost a bondmate. The kneeling Gaidar before her however told her that either she had presented it perfectly, or it wouldn't have mattered how she presented it, the Gaidar would have accepted.
Glancing down at the Gaidar, Tigrae saw the wobbly and blurred reflection of herself in the Gaidar's sword. Her long pale gray dress, her white shawl with blue fringe and long pale colored hair stood out but the details were lost in the gleam and the tilt of the blade. Her facial expression was not clear, and her hands blended into her dress. She was nothing but a grayed outline. The image in sharpest detail was the white shawl and the blue fringe. Tigrae shifted slightly, watching the fringe sway and shift over the gray fabric. Her Ajah. She had chosen Blue because it allowed her the most independence, and because she felt as if she could slip into their society the easiest. She had chosen Blue for selfish reasons. Was she choosing a Gaidar for the same reasons? Or perhaps, two selfish reasons would create a selfless team?
Tigrae lifted her chin and took a deep breath. A long time ago, she should have stopped worrying about whether her actions were selfish or selfless. Obsession over such labels and decisions seemed to assume that her actions were always important enough to earn a label of selfless or selfish. That time was over. She unfolded her arms, and placed a gentle hand on Mashid's head. The Gaidar inhaled, perhaps from relief or perhaps because she knew within a moment her life would be sworn to the Aes Sedai. Tigrae had never seen a Bonding, but she felt she owed Mashid words of gratitude and an oath. And there were only certain words that would work.
"By the Light, and my own hope for salvation and rebirth, I give my life to your protection, pledge to listen and honor your advice, and follow you when your guidance is superior to my own. By the Light and my own hope for salvation and rebirth, I trust your sword and your judgment and offer you my purest friendship and openness. Until death should part us, unless you ask for the release of the bond, I will hold the bond with honor, with pride, and with dignity."
The words were a mere whisper but they seemed to fill the room, crawling into every corner and crevice. They expanded, breathed, exhaled and settled into the skin and bones of both women in the room. Non-binding words were, occasionally, more powerful than oath words themselves.
Then Mashid's hoarse voice spoke, before Tigrae could begin to weave the Bond, "By the Light and my own hope for salvation, I swear to protect you with my sword and my life for as long as I live or as long as you hold the bond. I pledge to obey you, to offer my advice only when needed, and to follow you wherever you may go. By the Light and my own hope for salvation and rebirth, I trust your judgment and wise reasoning and offer you my sword, my friendship and my loyalty. Until death should part us, unless you release my bond, I will carry this bond with honor, with pride and with dignity."
Tigrae's hand was trembling, though she did not know why. She began to weave the threads of Spirit together and when the powerful and complex cloth of Spirit was prepared, she settled it onto Mashid, and lifted her hand away. She felt the bond fill the crevices of Mashid's mind, wrapping itself around her thoughts and emotions, and then with a crackle, the connection was fulfilled. Both women gasped, and Tigrae stepped back from Mashid, her hands going to her head. She could feel everything. She knew of Mashid's doubt, Mashid's pride, and Mashid's confidence in Tigrae. The woman trusted her! Trusted her completely! The Gaidar--Tigrae's Warder!--did not know if the bond would be the best one, but she thought the decision was the best one. Her pride was strong, though, almost overwhelming Tigrae. Tigrae's fingers curled into her hair and she took a deep breath. She could feel everything! She felt compassion and understanding rippling into her mind. Those feelings were not her own. Then hands closed around her wrists and Tigrae realized that her eyes were closed.
"Tigrae, Tigrae, you have to relax and get used to it. It takes a moment," Mashid's voice was strong, soft, and very low. Her grip on Tigrae's wrists was tight and nearly painful. "Tigrae, listen to me. It takes awhile, but you cannot tighten the bond this much. Best get used to it now."
"My Warder." Tigrae tried to taste the words on her tongue.
"Yes, Aes Sedai," Mashid said, her voice quiet but the bond filling with pride. "Your Warder."
Justified
Mashid had forgotten what it felt to be Bonded. All these years, she thought she remembered and missed what it felt like to be Bonded, but she realized that the feeling of someone else inside her head wasn't what she missed about the partnership. That empty feeling in her after losing the bond and then losing Zainer was not because the Bond had been released, not because her mind lacked the comfort of another person's emotions and thoughts, but because the Bond represented something greater than her and her bondmate. The Tower survived because of the relationships between a Warder and an Aes Sedai. Being Gaidar and Gaidin was not good enough: it was the unique symbiosis relationship between a woman or man who could wield the One Power and a woman or man who could wield a sword greater than any other person trained outside the Tower. It was that relationship, that partnership that had survived so many terrible things, that held the Tower together. Without the Gaidin, the Tower was a large group of like-minded women and a few lost men. Without the Gaidin, the Tower would have not once sworn not to use the One Power as a weapon except in defensive cases. Without the Gaidin, the Tower may not have survived this long. But without the Aes Sedai, the Gaidin were just soldiers. Without the Aes Sedai, the Gaidin would be a collection of soldiers who knew a great number of things but would end up using those skills against each other.
The loss of her Bond to Zainer Sedai was something greater than her loneliness, and Zai's death. She had been afraid, and rightly so, of her feelings of disunity with the Tower. She had come back without her Aes Sedai. No one was supposed to do that. That was breaking years of tradition and the formation of the Bond. Some Gaidin and Gaidar thought she shouldn't have returned to the Tower, and some Aes Sedai wanted her interrogated to see if she was a Darkfriend. The reaction to her return had been ugly, and unsettling. What she had missed about the Bond was what it symbolized between her and Zainer, that they were doing something greater than them and protecting the Tower. She had missed the feeling of fulfillment of duty.
The Aes Sedai who held her bond now was nothing like Zainer. She was terrified of the Bond, and terrified of Mashid. Mashid stood there in wonder, hands wrapped around the Aes Sedai's wrists and hoping the Aes Sedai didn't lose it, and contemplating the fear of the Gaidar she felt through the bond. Was Tigrae Sedai truly that vulnerable? She didn't think so. The Gaidar figured that Tigrae just did not know her well enough, didn't know her mannerisms, her devotion, her aspirations, her likes and dislikes. Slightly startled, Mashid realized how much they would have to learn about each other. She and Zainer had been nearly inseparable in the year prior to their Bonding, so they did not need an adjustment period. Mashid and Tigrae had gone through a period of not being able to stand each other's company upon their return from the Blightborder and thus, would have this adjustment period. Mashid was determined to make it as painless as possible, but it was already difficult.
"You'll get used to it, Aes Sedai," Mashid told her firmly and let go of her wrists. She walked towards the window of the room and glanced out at the lightening sky that was slipping from black to a faint blue on the horizon. "It takes some time. But learn to accept the bond. It only makes things easier."
"You've been bonded before, Mashid," Tigrae was slowly starting to calm down. Trust warmed the bond that tingled in the back of Mashid's mind. Mashid felt relief and pressed it against the bond, and hoped Tigrae would understand and be able to translate the feeling and sensation she'd now be feeling. "Will we always know where the other one is? And what the other one is thinking and feeling? What if there are times when I need you not to react to anything I'm thinking or feeling?"
"There is some way that you can....cover, or lock up the Bond. But that's not good to do too often, though I suppose it'd be fine within the Tower. This place is safe enough. But I don't know how you cover it. I cannot do that from my end. Perhaps one of your sisters would know?" Mashid suggested and waited with an open mind and calm center for Tigrae's reaction. Now I'll know what she thinks of her Ajah.
Distrust and suspicion slipped through the bond, quivering into Mashid's mind, but also...acknowledgment. Of what, Mashid could not know but she suspected that Tigrae knew her sisters could be a wealth of information when it came to this field. But Tigrae's response surprised her, "I'll ask a friend of mine. She's a Green and she has a few Warders."
"There are quite a number of Blues with Warders," pointed out Mashid casually, trying to figure out how far she could push her Aes Sedai. My Aes Sedai.
"Yes, there are." Tigrae replied simply and Mashid felt nothing strong or unusual through the Bond.
The Aes Sedai could play a cool card and appear serene in her mind and her face, more than she actually was. That was a gift that few could call their own, and it would be incredibly useful except when Mashid wanted to know what Tigrae was saying. This will be a very interesting relationship, Mashid thought and glanced up at the stars that still glowed in the sky. This was out of her realm and she did not know where she was walking or why she had agreed to do this, but it still felt right. It felt more right than agreeing to be Zainer's Warder and she hadn't even argued with him. She glanced over her shoulder at the pale, slim Aes Sedai who was watching her with unreadable eyes. The Aes Sedai was pushing a silver bracelet around her wrist and Mashid listened to the bond again. The Aes Sedai felt apprehensive.Mashid pushed confidence towards her and the Aes Sedai pushed irritation right back at her. "Don't patronize me, Mashid."
"I'm not patronizing."
"Yes, you are. I don't need your confidence."
"You're learning to read the bond very quickly."
"You're doing it again."
"Patronizing?"
"We may be the strangest pair I've ever known."
"I didn't promise conformity." Mashid grinned broadly at the Aes Sedai who smiled widely back her.
"If I was looking for conformity, I wouldn't have asked the Gaidar who called me dirtier names than I've been called by drunk and dying men."
"I pride myself on my comprehensive language."
"You're intolerable, Mashid." Tigrae shook her head, trying not to laugh. Mirth was filling the bond, though.
Mashid smiled fondly at the Aes Sedai, and decided that she wasn't so bad after all. "I know."
Understood
The woman was worse than intolerable. For all of her guilt surrounding the circumstances of Zainer Sedai's death, Mashid Ayli Sahar was downright pompous. She hid it well, within layers of cynicism, pride and training, but she had enough pride in herself to fill up two or three men. Tigrae thought she had self-confidence but she paled in comparison to the dark skinned Gaidar. Tigrae and Mashid were sitting down, exchanging stories they knew about the Towers and generally getting to know each other. Tigrae had changed into a more comfortable dress and was now curled up in a chair by the fire and the Gaidar was waving her hands about as she told some story about Zainer and recruiting boys for the Tower. Tigrae wasn't following the story, but it didn't matter. The stories did not matter, in reality, or at least the way Tigrae saw it. She liked to hear Mashid just talk and laugh as she told the stories. This was the Tairen woman without any pretenses and she was friendlier when she was not being a Gaidar or a Warder or, worst of all, a Tairen. Tigrae hid a smile into her teeth and rested her chin on her knees. Finally, she had an ally in the Tower. At last, she had a friend in the Tower. Already, the wheels in Tigrae's head were turning as she planned and plotted her next return. She would have to repair relations within her Ajah, and with a few people outside her Ajah with whom she had had fights after the Cairhien incident. She would have to lie, and cajol, and play her cards right. She wanted that Sitter position again, even if it did require her to be stuck at the Tower occasionally.
"Silver for your thoughts," Mashid said calmly and Tigrae realized she must have been quiet for awhile.
Tigrae lifted her chin and turned her head towards the window that was warming under the hazy glow of sunrise. "The sun's rising."
"Yes," The Gaidar (My Warder!) sounded and felt amused. Tigrae tried not to feel chided and childish. "It's been rising since it set, Aes Sedai."
Tigrae blinked and glanced back at the Warder. "I hadn't thought of it that way."
Mashid raised her eyebrows, "Really?"
Tigrae glanced back outside the window, at the Trainees and Younglings that were beginning their morning runs. Some of them must have been in a class, for they ran side by side in pairs and straight columns and a few Gaidin were trotting alongside them. Tigrae thought back to her own schooling, and realized that as uniformed as she thought it was all those years ago, it truly wasn't. Everyone moved at their own pace through the Tower, and the Aes Sedai who did a great deal of teaching were generally patient women and men. Every student of the Aes Sedai felt stifled, confined and yet they did not realize that those years were the greatest years of freedom. Nor did they choose this way of life. They had been chosen, by turns of fate they did not understand. But every Aes Sedai had found his or her place in history, and Tigrae was determined to seal hers. She watched the students jogging around the courtyard and tightened her lips. Tigrae thought it impossible that a woman, such as Mashid, who was so devoted to the Tower but so outspoken and rash, came out of training that was so regimented. But some things were inexplicable, and Tigrae somehow thought that she ought not to question Mashid on that. She probably doesn't feel like she's outspoken. Or rash.
"So what now?" Mashid reached down and fed the fire another log. The flames licked hungrily at the dry wood and sparked as it searched for the fast way to consume the log. She glanced up at Tigrae. "Will you just sit here at the Tower? Should I ask to teach classes?"
"No," Tigrae said softly and leaned forward. "I need you to do me a favor."
"These aren't favors anymore, Aes Sedai. They are duties and obligations," Mashid answered cheerfully. "What is it?"
"I want you to ride to Kandor. There's someone I need to find. He will help me." Tigrae danced evasively around the true nature of what she needed her Warder to do. She held onto a piece of hope that Mashid would not be difficult when the Gaidar's eyes lit up at the prospect of leaving the Tower on official duty. Tigrae hated to do this to her, but it had to be done. "His name is Mel. Mel Ulman."
Mashid's eyes narrowed sharply. "Why do I know that name?"
"He was an Accepted here," Tigrae said slowly, "A few years ago. He defected to the Black Tower and was almost immediately raised to the Black Tower. I convinced the Tower not to chase after him, because he's truly a weak channeler and a rather aggressive young man. It was not worth the fight with the Black Tower for that type of student."
Mashid's fury and anger was evident in her face, but even moreso through the bond. It made Tigrae's head hurt. The Gaidar trembled in her seat and then leapt up and paced to the window. Tigrae watched her walk, trying to stay calm and rational. Quietly, she added, "Mashid, I need you to do this. He knows the White Tower, and he may know people I should talk to in the Black Tower. Last night was rather unproductive. Remember he was once White Tower."
"He's Asha'man." Mashid spat onto the ground and ground her boot into it. She glowered at Tigrae. "You're testing me awfully hard, Tigrae Sedai."
"You will have to work with Asha'man if you are to be my Warder, Mashid Gaidar," snapped Tigrae, not moving. "Must I release your bond?"
"Well that'd be the shortest lived Bonding, wouldn't it." Mashid countered angrily.
Both of them glowered at each other in silence. Tigrae was furious. She thought that Mashid said she would be able to handle this, and that Mashid had understood what it meant to be Tigrae's Warder. Had the woman been blind? The impudence of the Tairen was truly untolerable, but how could an Aes Sedai punish her Warder? Anger? It was illegal and cruel to do anything else, though Tigrae thought about slapping the woman with a wave of Fire and Air right now. Frustrated, the blonde woman tried to think if there was any other way to get a message to Mel, but she couldn't think of one. The man was highly suspicious of everyone, and not quite sane. His paranoia would be a problem, but he was highly respectful of someone who had the guts and courage to challenge him. There really weren't too many people ready to do that, and Mashid was someone who would do that readily. Her hatred of Asha'man could be a plus, in fact, if only she would ride out to Kandor.
"Fine." Mashid snapped and sighed. She tugged her long black braid and didn't look at Tigrae. "I'll do it. Where will I find him?"
"Thank you, my Warder," Tigrae said softly and then leaned forward. "You'll need to leave immediately, so listen closely."
There. If you read, I hoped you enjoyed.
ugh. i am so stupidddd
so here's an rp. because yeah. i felt like it.
I love these two characters together. They are so different from each other that they're just constantly foiling...
Always Know Where You Are
Babylon
Mashid Sahar paced the large gates of the White Tower, irritating, amusing and frightening the Tower Guards, and ignoring the pouring rain. The rain, thicker than a horse’s mane, was pooling on the soaked ground and the mud splashed up against Mashid’s clean new britches. She did not notice this, nor the fact that she now resembled a drowned cat. Her dark brow was furrowed, and her lips muttered angry words that would make any sailor blush. Her hands were hitched behind her back, locked in hooked forefingers and water pooled in her palms and spilled out in miniature waterfalls. Her boots clapped, splashed and sloshed as she paced between the two wide walls. Occasionally she paused to let someone pass through, but few were returning through the gates at this time of night. The gates were only open because Mashid refused to pace inside or outside of them, and the Tower Guards were not going to argue with her. She had a reputation in the Tower for having a temper worse than, well, a soaked cat.
If someone had told Mashid that she would have felt this protective so soon over the Illianer Aes Sedai, she would have laughed at them and then likely landed her fist in their temple. The Illianer woman was proud, and arrogant, and pompous, and an outcast. She assumed she was right, even when she was wrong, and she was aloof and too much of a maverick. In a Tower that did not reward those sheep who strayed from the path, Tigrae Lior of the Blue Ajah came dangerously close to going too far. And several times, she had gone too far. Rarely did an Ajah dismiss a Sitter in such secrecy, and rarely did an Ajah outcast a sister so well that she felt the need to leave the Tower for some period of time. And for that sister who had previously traveled alone to desire the protection of a Gaidar required serious deviation from the set rules. And despite all of this, Tigrae Sedai continued along her maverick ways, considering her motivations and actions far more undercover than they truly were. Everyone knew what she wanted, and everyone knew she would not give up the dream of uniting the Towers. Tigrae seemed oblivious to the fact that everyone else knew what she wanted, and did foolish things like tonight.
“Like tonight!” snapped Mashid aloud and shot a glare into the well lit streets of Tar Valon. The Aes Sedai had foolishly refused Mashid’s protection and for all Mashid knew, the woman lay dead outside the gates of the Black Tower. Of course, that would take care of Mashid’s problem with the Aes Sedai’s earlier proposal. It still shocked Mashid that someone had asked her to be their Warder. Mashid knew that the Tower had been shocked when she returned home without her bondmate years ago, and assumed that the image of her failure was so engrained in the brains of the Aes Sedai she would not find another bondmate. And even when Mashid did consider what she would say if asked to bond, she never saw a proposal coming from Tigrae Sedai. But no matter what the Tairen Gaidar thought, the Illianer Aes Sedai seemed to do quite the opposite.
Mashid had thought about it while she bathed, and while she washed her clothing, and while she folded it and placed it in her bedchest. She thought about the idea of Tigrae as her Aes Sedai while she found something to eat after her Healing. She mulled it over in her mind, turned it over in her mouth, spun it around in a basin of wash, and closed it in the drawers. In the end, she thought that the Bonding seemed logical. Tigrae needed protection, perhaps because she was so foolish and made enemies everywhere she looked. Mashid knew she was not as strong because of the death of her Aes Sedai ten years ago. She also felt excited at the prospect of traveling, protecting, guiding, and fighting with an Aes Sedai again. Even after ten years, she remembered what it felt like to have a purpose in her life, to have a bondmate and share every single one of your emotions and experiences with another person. She wanted to have purpose in her life again. She hated staying around the Tower.
Glancing into the dark again, Mashid felt the quiverings of anger and anticipation in her chest. She hated the Asha’man and if the M’Hael or whoever Tigrae was meeting lay a finger on her, Mashid was sure she would fly into a rage and kill every black-coated blasted cursed offspring of the Black Tower she could find. And she was fairly sure that she’d have the Tower’s backing on that. If the Black Tower harmed another Aes Sedai, the Amyrlin would not be able to tolerate that. Mashid growled deep in her throat and kicked at a particularly large puddle. She could not, however, say that Tigrae hadn’t asked for it, visiting the Black Tower in the middle of the night without protecting.
“Bloody flaming Aes Sedai!” Mashid added a few swear words for colorful effect. The Gaidin who served in the Tower Guard raised their eyebrows and looked at each other and her, as if contemplating whether telling Mashid to cool her heels. But they chose not to say anything.
Abruptly, a cloaked figure stepped into the lantern light outside the gate and a hand reached up to sweep her hood off her head. The pale gray eyes of Tigrae Sedai glittered at the furious Gaidar as she freed her long blonde hair and walked towards the gate. “Were you talking about me in particular, Mashid Gaidar, or my sisters, brothers and I in the plural form?”
“Curse you, Tigrae Sedai,” Mashid exploded the breath trapped in her chest. “You-,”
“So me in particular,” Tigrae Sedai cut in smoothly, nodding to the guards and walking past Mashid. “Walk with me, Mashid. I believe we are to continue an earlier discussion.”
Babel
Sometime between leaving the Black Tower, and arriving at the White Tower, Tigrae Lior came to the realization that not all of her actions were explicable or, worse, pragmatic. Skimming to the Black Tower in the middle of the night, after having asked a temperamental Tairen to be her Warder, was probably one of the more irrational series of decisions Tigrae had ever made in her life. Though she knew she was a bit of a black sheep amongst the Aes Sedai, she thought that she was a smart, pragmatic and rational woman. But after nearly being caught by the Asha'man guards, and then being too tired to Skim very far, Tigrae was ready to assign herself a penance. When she arrived back at the gates and found a very wet and furious Gaidar, Tigrae realized she had set up a penance before she left by refusing to allow the woman to accompany her. The woman was stomping around childishly in the mud, muttering profanities and cruel words towards Aes Sedai, or perhaps Tigrae alone, under her breath. For a moment, the Aes Sedai stood in the shadows and watched the Gaidar. The fact that Mashid displayed so much public protection over Tigrae was perhaps a good sign, or a sign of insanity. The woman had been, Tigrae remembered, very protective of Zainar Sedai. But according to everyone with whom Tigrae spoke, Mashid was an excellent Gaidar and very strong mentally and physically. Zainar's death had been difficult, but not devestating to the point where Mashid could not recover.
Tigrae made sure to push back her hood as she stepped into the light and greeted the Gaidar. She tried to give the Gaidar the benefit of the doubt, but the woman's anger filled and warmed the damp air as she snapped a tart reply to the Aes Sedai. Coldly, Tigrae indicated that the woman should follow her and they walked silently into the Tower. Tigrae glanced at the mudtracks behind Mashid and quietly embraced saidar to clean them up. It would not do to have someone become curious and follow them. Tigrae had a suspicious feeling that another fight was about to erupt in the air between the two women. Letting things go was not, apparently, either woman's strong suit. The Gaidar had stopped stomping, thankfully, and was walking quietly, her footsteps nearly inaudible on the stone corridors. Tigrae and Mashid slipped into Tigrae's quarters and Tigrae quickly lit a fire and handed Mashid a blanket. The Gaidar glanced at the blanket, and then at Tigrae, and quickly used the blanket to wipe off her boots. Tigrae's jaw nearly dropped open but her lips quivered in a smile.
Ducking her head, Tigrae tried to stop the smile but it broke across her face and a chuckle, then full laughter, soon followed. She sat down abruptly in a chair, hands over her mouth, as she doubled over laughing. Mashid's expression was shocked, her mouth open as she held the blanket still against one of her muddied legs. She glanced at the blanket, at Tigrae, and then at the door as if she was about to make a run for it. Tigrae did not know why she thought it was so funny, but apparently she did. The stress of the evening was releasing itself, and Tigrae couldn't stop it. Nor did she want to stop it, because she wanted to cement the image of Mashid's face into her brain. When she was finally able to catch her breath, she waved a hand slightly, gesturing to Mashid to finish wiping her boots off with the blanket. Slowly, and cautiously as if the idea of using the blanket to wipe up the mud no longer held its appeal, Mashid grudgingly finished wiping off her feet and then folded up the blanket and reached forward awkwardly to settle it next to the fire.
"So you are not happy with me?" Tigrae asked, still grinning as she channeled two cups of tea over to the table between the Gaidar and herself. "Or is that a silly question? I am sorry that I needed to go alone tonight."
She quickly warded the room against eavesdropping, as an afterthought, and handed a teacup to Mashid. The Gaidar handled the teacup delicately, took a sip and looked a little brighter. She set the teacup down and looked at Tigrae, "I think, if we are to Bond, we ought to work on our communication, Aes Sedai. It is, after all, nearly dawn. I did not get the impression it would take you all night to speak with the Asha'man. What happened?"
"I do not need to tell you that," Tigrae replied coolly, taking a sip of her tea. "I did not give the impression that it would be a brief visit. I do believe you overreacted, Mashid Gaidar."
"And I think you lack a general understanding of your own mortality, Tigrae Sedai." Mashid's quip was equally cool and she held the teacup a few inches from her lips, eyebrows raised.
Tigrae set down her teacup and stared into the pale yellow water. She was not willing to admit that perhaps she and Mashid were not the perfect match. She thought she needed someone who could counter her, stand up to her, remind her of exactly what Mashid said: her own mortality. Tigrae knew that her dream of uniting the Towers was playing with a bar of Fire, an element she did not have the greatest control over. But, Tigrae did not envision ever Bonding someone under such tense and unfriendly terms. Taking a deep breath, Tigrae decided to let go of all her pretenses, assumptions, and allusions of grandeur and position. She looked up again, meeting Mashid's eyes with her own clear ones and an open face. "We are in a bind, Mashid. You and I both know this. Where do we stand now? Is this going to work, or is this where we part ways, and decided to be friends?" Either way, we're starting a friendship. This never was a friendship to begin with.
Hypotheses
Mashid watched Tigrae's face closely, trying to read the Aes Sedai as her head was ducked. She was coming to a decision, but Mashid couldn't tell what decision that was. Perhaps it was to dismiss Mashid, perhaps it was to chide Mashid. Perhaps it was something else entirely. Mashid knew she took a risk everytime she stood up to an Aes Sedai, but something told her that the risk was minimal with Tigrae Sedai. As much as Mashid did not like the woman for her personality, though she respected her for her ambition, Mashid felt an implicit understanding that Tigrae respected the views of others enough to accept them from wherever they came, Novice, Accepted, Trainee, Youngling, Aes Sedai, or Gaidar. She realized, suddenly, with a small spark of understanding, why Zainer liked the woman so much. He had always spoke highly of Tigrae Sedai, and Mashid had ignored him for the most part because she did not know Tigrae Sedai except by reputation. But here, here stood a woman with whom Zainer was likely very good friends. They shared the same ambition, the same sense of humor, the same respect of Mashid, and the same unspoken understanding that societal risk was involved with high stakes ambition. Ambition, thought Mashid not without a moment of sadness, would be the cause of death for many a good Aes Sedai.
Abruptly, Tigrae Sedai looked up again at Mashid and said very clearly, "We are in a bind, Mashid. You and I both know this. Where do we stand now? Is this going to work, or is this where we part ways, and decided to be friends?"
Mashid blinked and sat up straight, quickly setting her teacup on the table. She had not expected the woman to come to the decision to act openly with Mashid, but she highly respected and welcomed the decision. Pressing the palms of her hands together, Mashid tried to read the woman's expression. She saw confusion and concern, but also a great deal of hope and determination. Pursing her lips, Mashid decided to let slip her own guards. It was only fair, after all. She sighed heavily and shrugged. The questions were not easy questions. They were questions that were bound to come up this evening, or morning, or however the Aes Sedai was looking at it. And it was best if the questions were answered now, rather than set aside and buried under traveling and responsibilities. Letting go of a Bond was painful for both bondmates, and it was rarely done. Zainer had done it to save Mashid's life, and Mashid was determined that no Aes Sedai ever have to do that for her again, regardless of the motivations behind the release.
In truth, Mashid herself was not sure where to go. She saw the great potential in the Bond between her and Tigrae. With all pretenses and mental limitations set aside, Mashid understood that both of them needed this bond, if it could work. Tigrae needed someone to protect her, guide her, and make sure she did not do anything completely and utterly stupid while she quested for the united Towers. Mashid did not trust Tigrae to pursue her task with an understanding of the risks associated with such ambitious plans, and thus saw her role in being the patient Warder for the outcasted, maverick and overly ambitious Aes Sedai. Indeed, it would be her second time fulfilling such a role. But Mashid knew that without a bondmate, it was unlikely that she would live much longer. Despite Zainer letting the bond go, Mashid felt the leech. She had suffered from his injuries, and she was aging as it was. But did two selfish reasons make a healthy decision to bond? That was where Mashid was stuck. She wasn't not sure that an ambitious Aes Sedai should bond solely to prevent assassins from either side from taking her head, and she was not sure she should be using Tigrae Sedai to stay healthier and live a more productive and fulfilling life. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that few Bondings were for unselfish reasons. There were always selfish reasons behind Bondings when the bondmates really thought about the process and the motivations. Then again, the White Tower had never prided itself on selflessness.
She opened her mouth and shut it again, puzzled. Tigrae snorted softly and said, "You can't not speak your mind. You've never stopped before, and now we're both being honest and open. What were you going to say, Mashid?"
Mashid bit her lower lip and started again, speaking quickly and quietly so that Tigrae wouldn't interrupt her. "Say we were to Bond. Just imagine it for a moment. Could we live together? Travel together? Eat together? Live inside each other's heads? Constantly? You've never been Bonded, Aes Sedai, so I highly suggest you think about it. You know me well enough to know that my emotions are rarely tempered and often strong. Can you stand to know what I think and feel all the time? Will you constantly be blocking me out?"
Tigrae looked thoughtful as she sipped at her tea. "I don't know. I don't think I can answer that now. That's not something I can even imagine. I don't think I'd block you out though. That's not fair."
"Don't make promises, Aes Sedai, that you cannot keep. You will, at some point, want to block the bond and that is fine. I'm not saying it is wrong. Doing it all the time, however, would create problems." Mashid explained wisely, picking up her tea and draining the cup in a gulp. She stared into the bottom of the cup at the few stray loose tea leaves, and then continued. "Let's continue to imagine we are Bonded. What do you think our biggest personal hurdle would be?"
"We don't get along?" Tigrae grinned at the Gaidar who couldn't resist grinning back and shaking her head. Her dark braid swung softly side to side on Mashid's back.
"I think we could get along, if we both made a few sacrifices," Mashid countered gently. "Like perhaps I won't look for the bad in you, and you won't do or say things specifically to irritate me."
"That's true," admitted the Aes Sedai and they both felt silent for a long moment.
Mashid took a deep breath and stared into the bottom of the cup for a longer period of time. For a long time, she thought this day would come. When she faced herself, she realized she had known she would likely bond again but she didn't know how she would handle it. Now, she was finding out. This was the crossroads, and there were no signs labeling the destinations. She could not foretell where she would go, or what would happen, on either path. The Pattern would weave as the Pattern willed, no matter what she did, but she wondered what would happen if she walked away. What if Tigrae Sedai was killed by an Asha'man? Would Mashid feel guilty over the Aes Sedai's death, knowing she could have prevented it? Would it be wiser, perhaps, for the Aes Sedai to bond a channeller because her greatest threat came from the Asha'man? Would Mashid be able to face Asha'man and not feel overwhelming fury? Would she be able to set aside her own prejudices?
Tasting the bitter taste of recognition of defeat, Mashid knew she could not answer these questions before they happened. Pouring herself a second cup of tea, Mashid looked over at the blonde haired Illianer. "I suppose it is time to talk about the parameters of the bondmate relationship, then, Aes Sedai."
"Are you accepting, Mashid Gaidar?" Tigrae Sedai sounded so hopefully.
Squash. "Not yet. I want to talk about the rules. You first."
Guidelines
Rules? Parameters? Tigrae didn't think she had ever met a Gaidar who was more uptight and difficult than Mashid. She almost offered to draw up a contract, but was too amused by how perfectly Gray she sounded to actually speak the words aloud. And she did not think that Mashid would be amused by Tigrae poking fun at the Gaidar's need for a structured environment. With a start, Tigrae realized she had already acquiesed to the Gaidar's hypothetical suggestion about Tigrae avoiding purposeful irritation of the Tairen. And Tigrae understood that the Gaidar's acceptance of the Bonding would be her seeing the good in the Aes Sedai. Some part of Tigrae wanted to live up to expectations, or perhaps she needed to exceed expectations. You're a firestorm all on your own. Tigrae recalled Mashid's earlier words and silently wished she wasn't so eager for Mashid's approval. But she would not bond anyone else, and she needed a Warder. Whatever it would take to convince Mashid, Tigrae would do. She needed a sword between her, and anyone who wanted to prevent her from doing what she did best: stir up controversy. She was a reverse Gray, perhaps. She did not like to solve things. She liked to find the puzzle and point it out to everyone else in the room. Solving the puzzle was up to other people.
Tigrae thought that perhaps that was why she was so confused by Mashid's request for rules and parameters. She knew they were not alike, but she did not know that the Gaidar was this structured of a thinker. She remembered their journey to Shienar, and realized that Mashid had settled in her role as a Gaidar not a Warder and that was why she did not ask for specific guidelines or where they were going or why they were going to Shienar. Tigrae had respected that on the trip, but now she understood why. The Gaidar had set her own rules and parameters, perhaps without realizing it. Tigrae wondered how much was training with the Gaidin and Gaidar, and how much of it was instinctive and natural. Some were cut out for the training, but not for being Warder, and Tigrae made a mental note to stop by Jari Gaidin and ask him why some made it as Warders and others did not. Or I could ask Mashid.
"What makes a good Warder, Mashid?" Tigrae asked curiously, setting down her teacup and leaning forward and tugging her shawl around her shoulders. "Why do some recruits become soldiers, and others Warders?"
Mashid looked up at the ceiling for a moment, apparently not caught off guard. Tigrae wondered what could catch this woman entirely offguard. Carefully, she answered, "I can't answer that. I think every person in the Garrison would answer that differently. Some may say that it is the personality of the recruit, or the ambition of the recruit. Others would say that it is weaponry strength, or interpersonal skills. A Gaidin who cannot stand up to an Aes Sedai and say 'No, Aes Sedai, that is too unsafe. We're taking this route' is an entirely useless Warder, though he is still a good Gaidin. Few come to full rank not being able to take orders, so I don't think that's it. I think, in the end, some people think they can be Warders but find that the weight of carrying someone else's safety and life every single hour of every single day for one's entire life is just too much. Others, like me, I guess, find that we just don't have the focus and purpose in our lives unless we're doing exactly that. Maybe some of us were just born to be Warders, and others were not. I can't explain that, though."
Tigrae nodded slowly, and poured herself more tea. Stirring in sugar carefully, the Aes Sedai allowed herself time to process all of the information. It would make sense then, that Mashid was even entertaining the idea of bonding someone else. Even after the tragedy of Zainar's death, Mashid seemed to feel as if it were her life's duty and purpose to be Bonded to an Aes Sedai. She had said it flat out, but Tigrae wondered what led someone to devote their life to someone else. Mashid did not lack control over her own life, and nor did she grow up scattered as some people had. She was a structured, focused individual. Tigrae tried to convince herself that there may not be a clear answer, but this time, she actually wanted the answer, not just the question.
"It's no different," Mashid said after a moment, "then explaining why some Aes Sedai are so devoted to the White Tower, and some Aes Sedai are so devoted to their Ajah, and some Aes Sedai are so devoted to their individual pursuits."
Tigrae looked up at her with wide gray eyes and said slowly, "Those are dangerous words, Mashid."
"True words, though."
Mashid's bluntness and honesty could be shocking. Tigrae nodded carefully, glad she had warded the room, and whispered, "Very true. But very dangerous. We all stand for the White Tower."
Mashid's eyes glinted and Tigrae's narrowed. For a long moment, Tigrae was sure that they would come to sharp words again, for a statement about the Black Tower was on the edge of Mashid's tongue and the Aes Sedai knew that the daggered words could cause a fight that would leave her without a Warder and Mashid without a purpose. She held Mashid's gaze, nearly daring the woman to say exactly what she was going to say. And Mashid nearly did it. She nearly accused Tigrae of putting the Black Tower before the White, but in the end, the Gaidar backed down smoothly and without looking defeated. Tigrae relaxed too and took a sip of her tea.
She grimaced, "Too much sugar."
"You put in five spoonfuls." Mashid made a face at the teacup as well. "That's a lot of sugar."
"You could have said something," Tigrae gulped down the sugary tea very quickly and felt as if she would gag. "Why didn't you say something?"
"Because it wasn't life threatening, and because you need to learn to pay attention to those things," Mashid said calmly, watching Tigrae pour herself another cup of tea.
Tigrae glanced up as she poured. "Is that the first rule?"
Mashid watched her teacup with raised eyebrows, and then Tigrae realized the cup was overflowing into the saucer. She stopped pouring. Mashid smirked, met Tigrae's eyes and nodded, "Yes, that's the first rule."
Speak
Mashid watched Tigrae closer than she thought the woman was watching her, and decided that Tigrae needed her more than Mashid needed Tigrae. The woman was a little oblivious, and if she ruined one more cup of tea, Mashid thought she'd just blatantly laugh at the hapless Aes Sedai. The thin pale blonde woman who looked as if she had not slept well in months, who waved with her wrists limp and gentle, who tossed her head proudly without even realizing it, was far more afraid of the others in the Tower than she would ever let on. Her slow, shocked reaction to Mashid's accusation had proved that and Mashid was satisfied with her reaction. Mashid barely heard Tigrae's quick and nonsensical list of potential rules on the potential bonding. The woman's voice could be irritating, and was easily blocked out when Mashid tried.
Zainer was tapping his quill against his lip, looking up thoughtfully at the ceiling. Mashid eyed him in amusement as she tried to read her book, but he was too distracting. Every few seconds, he'd mutter some words in Old Tongue and scribble a few lines before resuming his position of staring at the ceiling. Mashid had already made quips about the inspiration the ceiling was apparently providing, but he barely seemed to notice her and continued his bizarre methodology of finding writing inspiration. If there was one thing Mashid had learned about Zainer, in the last year, she knew better than to rush his thoughts. He was not an impulsive thinker and he was not prone to sharing his thoughts before he himself had fully fleshed them out in his head. He was a slow thinker, a deliberate thinker, and a careful man. Mashid originally teased him about being one of the oldest male Aes Sedai, but it hadn't taken long to shut up. Zai was very protective of his status as a man in the White Tower, and he was very protective of other White Tower males. Nothing made him happier than seeing a new male Novice walk through the doors.
"I think that we should try to work by consensus," Tigrae was saying, walking in a small circle. Mashid noted that she was actually wearing a path in the thick carpet. She wanted to tell Tigrae that consensus didn't work, but there was no tactful way of doing so. The Aes Sedai would learn by experience that consensus did not work between bondmates. She would not believe Mashid if Mashid explained now. But sooner or later, the Aes Sedai would amend any rules set now. No relationship that lasted ever stayed the same. Like the seasons, relationships changed.
Zainer suddenly sat up, taking his feet off the desk and slapped his hands on the desk. "I've figured it out."
Mashid grinned at him and lay her book quietly on her lap, watching him with amusement from across study. "You've figured what out, Zai? How to find every Darkfriend? How to mend your socks?"
He stood up and read his parchment silently, chewing on his lower lip. His silence and lack of response to her quips made Mashid sober up quickly and she leaned forward curiously. He opened his mouth, then shut it, and then walked three steps and turned back to his desk. Now he had Mashid worried. It was rare for Zainer to look so agitated. She was going to open her mouth and probe again, but then he spun on his heel and looked her dead in the eye.
"No, I figured out how to convince you to be my Warder."
"I don't know," Tigrae said idly, stirring a new cup of tea and staring into the fire. "I never thought I'd Bond a Gaidar. Gaidin, perhaps, and there was a day when I was trying to find a Gaidin. I never wanted to bond anyone for romantic reasons--it just didn't make sense to me. I need a Warder who will make smart reasonable decisions, not emotional ones. I can't even stand emotional women, they drive me insane. I suppose that my decision to ask you was even more pragmatic. We seemed to work together well enough when we were traveling together, don't you agree?"
Mashid carefully closed her book, buying herself more time. She took a deep breath and glanced up at him. "You want me to be your Warder?"
"Yes. And I've been compiling a list of reasons why you should agree."
"Throw it away. You don't need to convince me. It's the right thing." Mashid realized she had been waiting for him to ask her.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"So I just wasted all of that time."
"Pretty much."
"Blood and ashes, Mashid, you always have to be difficult."
Mashid blinked and realized Tigrae was staring at her with narrowed eyes. "I'm sorry, Aes Sedai. I was...remembering when Zainer asked me to be his Warder."
"How long did you balk?" Tigrae grinned, as if expecting to hear a long story about how the strong personalities of Mashid and Zainer clashed for a long time before she relented and agreed. When Mashid refuted that, Tigrae looked stunned and went very quiet. Mashid wanted to know what was going through her head, but they would have to be bonded already to accomplish that feat. Steeling herself for whatever outbreak the woman had planned, Mashid was surprised when Tigrae sighed heavily, "So this is you saying no, isn't it. You don't believe it will work."
Mashid raised her eyebrows, and then decided to spit it out. "Quite the opposite, Aes Sedai. I was actually remembering that perhaps Zai and I Bonded without enough thought and reason behind it. We knew we worked well together, and we were as close as sister and brother. That was our reasoning as far as it was discussed. You and I have agonized over this, discussed it, thought about it alone, and in this room. Maybe you and I will butt heads occasionally, and perhaps we will fight often. Maybe we aren't the perfect match, but it makes sense and we both know it. You need a Warder, and we did work well together."
Standing up and squaring her shoulders, the Tairen took a deep breath. "You are proud, arrogant, and occasionally stupid. You've stood up to elements in the Tower with whom you should have stood down. You are a maverick and I don't agree one bit with what you are doing. I hate Asha'man with all of my heart. I think they are trained to be monsters. The only good male channellers come through this Tower. I am loud, blunt, and stubborn. But this...this seems right. You were right. We'll keep each other amused, entertained, sane and realistic."
Drawing her sword, Mashid held it at arm's length in front of her, pointing it towards the ceiling. The light from the fire glinting, played and wrapped itself around the steel blade. Mashid admired it for a moment then closed her eyes and knelt before the standing Aes Sedai, dipping her head and resting it across her knees. "Tigrae Lior, Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah, I accept your offer of Bonding."
Sealed
When Mashid drew her blade, Tigrae felt a flicker of fear and realized for the first time how warm the fire was and how little she knew Mashid. She couldn't remember if Mashid ever drew her sword when she accompanied Tigrae to Malkier, and watched in dreaded horror as the Gaidar looked fondly upon the glittering steel, twisting it in front of the fire. The orange flames reflected off the sword, wrapping long tendrils around the blade as if attempting to pull it into the mouth of the fire. Tigrae had never seen what a sword did when exposed to fire for a long period of time. She wondered if the metal warped, or whether the heat stretched up through the blade so quickly that the swordbearer had to drop the sword for fear of burning her hand. Mashid's expression when facing the blade was one of utter calmness and yet expectation. Tigrae embraced saidar and held herself tall. She did not know what the Gaidar meant to do. Abruptly, the Gaidar closed her eyes, took a deep breath and knelt before Tigrae.
The Aes Sedai's jaw dropped open as the Gaidar rested her sword on her knee, and then accepted Tigrae's offer of Bonding. She stood for a long moment, her palms pressed against her sides as her arms remained crossed over her chest protectively. She took another deep breath and released it very slowly. She had not expected this. Mashid's manner over the last few minutes had convinced her that the Gaidar was thinking otherwise and Tigrae had felt nothing short of immense disappointment. She thought she had thought it through, that she had understood exactly how to present it to a cynical woman who had lost a bondmate. The kneeling Gaidar before her however told her that either she had presented it perfectly, or it wouldn't have mattered how she presented it, the Gaidar would have accepted.
Glancing down at the Gaidar, Tigrae saw the wobbly and blurred reflection of herself in the Gaidar's sword. Her long pale gray dress, her white shawl with blue fringe and long pale colored hair stood out but the details were lost in the gleam and the tilt of the blade. Her facial expression was not clear, and her hands blended into her dress. She was nothing but a grayed outline. The image in sharpest detail was the white shawl and the blue fringe. Tigrae shifted slightly, watching the fringe sway and shift over the gray fabric. Her Ajah. She had chosen Blue because it allowed her the most independence, and because she felt as if she could slip into their society the easiest. She had chosen Blue for selfish reasons. Was she choosing a Gaidar for the same reasons? Or perhaps, two selfish reasons would create a selfless team?
Tigrae lifted her chin and took a deep breath. A long time ago, she should have stopped worrying about whether her actions were selfish or selfless. Obsession over such labels and decisions seemed to assume that her actions were always important enough to earn a label of selfless or selfish. That time was over. She unfolded her arms, and placed a gentle hand on Mashid's head. The Gaidar inhaled, perhaps from relief or perhaps because she knew within a moment her life would be sworn to the Aes Sedai. Tigrae had never seen a Bonding, but she felt she owed Mashid words of gratitude and an oath. And there were only certain words that would work.
"By the Light, and my own hope for salvation and rebirth, I give my life to your protection, pledge to listen and honor your advice, and follow you when your guidance is superior to my own. By the Light and my own hope for salvation and rebirth, I trust your sword and your judgment and offer you my purest friendship and openness. Until death should part us, unless you ask for the release of the bond, I will hold the bond with honor, with pride, and with dignity."
The words were a mere whisper but they seemed to fill the room, crawling into every corner and crevice. They expanded, breathed, exhaled and settled into the skin and bones of both women in the room. Non-binding words were, occasionally, more powerful than oath words themselves.
Then Mashid's hoarse voice spoke, before Tigrae could begin to weave the Bond, "By the Light and my own hope for salvation, I swear to protect you with my sword and my life for as long as I live or as long as you hold the bond. I pledge to obey you, to offer my advice only when needed, and to follow you wherever you may go. By the Light and my own hope for salvation and rebirth, I trust your judgment and wise reasoning and offer you my sword, my friendship and my loyalty. Until death should part us, unless you release my bond, I will carry this bond with honor, with pride and with dignity."
Tigrae's hand was trembling, though she did not know why. She began to weave the threads of Spirit together and when the powerful and complex cloth of Spirit was prepared, she settled it onto Mashid, and lifted her hand away. She felt the bond fill the crevices of Mashid's mind, wrapping itself around her thoughts and emotions, and then with a crackle, the connection was fulfilled. Both women gasped, and Tigrae stepped back from Mashid, her hands going to her head. She could feel everything. She knew of Mashid's doubt, Mashid's pride, and Mashid's confidence in Tigrae. The woman trusted her! Trusted her completely! The Gaidar--Tigrae's Warder!--did not know if the bond would be the best one, but she thought the decision was the best one. Her pride was strong, though, almost overwhelming Tigrae. Tigrae's fingers curled into her hair and she took a deep breath. She could feel everything! She felt compassion and understanding rippling into her mind. Those feelings were not her own. Then hands closed around her wrists and Tigrae realized that her eyes were closed.
"Tigrae, Tigrae, you have to relax and get used to it. It takes a moment," Mashid's voice was strong, soft, and very low. Her grip on Tigrae's wrists was tight and nearly painful. "Tigrae, listen to me. It takes awhile, but you cannot tighten the bond this much. Best get used to it now."
"My Warder." Tigrae tried to taste the words on her tongue.
"Yes, Aes Sedai," Mashid said, her voice quiet but the bond filling with pride. "Your Warder."
Justified
Mashid had forgotten what it felt to be Bonded. All these years, she thought she remembered and missed what it felt like to be Bonded, but she realized that the feeling of someone else inside her head wasn't what she missed about the partnership. That empty feeling in her after losing the bond and then losing Zainer was not because the Bond had been released, not because her mind lacked the comfort of another person's emotions and thoughts, but because the Bond represented something greater than her and her bondmate. The Tower survived because of the relationships between a Warder and an Aes Sedai. Being Gaidar and Gaidin was not good enough: it was the unique symbiosis relationship between a woman or man who could wield the One Power and a woman or man who could wield a sword greater than any other person trained outside the Tower. It was that relationship, that partnership that had survived so many terrible things, that held the Tower together. Without the Gaidin, the Tower was a large group of like-minded women and a few lost men. Without the Gaidin, the Tower would have not once sworn not to use the One Power as a weapon except in defensive cases. Without the Gaidin, the Tower may not have survived this long. But without the Aes Sedai, the Gaidin were just soldiers. Without the Aes Sedai, the Gaidin would be a collection of soldiers who knew a great number of things but would end up using those skills against each other.
The loss of her Bond to Zainer Sedai was something greater than her loneliness, and Zai's death. She had been afraid, and rightly so, of her feelings of disunity with the Tower. She had come back without her Aes Sedai. No one was supposed to do that. That was breaking years of tradition and the formation of the Bond. Some Gaidin and Gaidar thought she shouldn't have returned to the Tower, and some Aes Sedai wanted her interrogated to see if she was a Darkfriend. The reaction to her return had been ugly, and unsettling. What she had missed about the Bond was what it symbolized between her and Zainer, that they were doing something greater than them and protecting the Tower. She had missed the feeling of fulfillment of duty.
The Aes Sedai who held her bond now was nothing like Zainer. She was terrified of the Bond, and terrified of Mashid. Mashid stood there in wonder, hands wrapped around the Aes Sedai's wrists and hoping the Aes Sedai didn't lose it, and contemplating the fear of the Gaidar she felt through the bond. Was Tigrae Sedai truly that vulnerable? She didn't think so. The Gaidar figured that Tigrae just did not know her well enough, didn't know her mannerisms, her devotion, her aspirations, her likes and dislikes. Slightly startled, Mashid realized how much they would have to learn about each other. She and Zainer had been nearly inseparable in the year prior to their Bonding, so they did not need an adjustment period. Mashid and Tigrae had gone through a period of not being able to stand each other's company upon their return from the Blightborder and thus, would have this adjustment period. Mashid was determined to make it as painless as possible, but it was already difficult.
"You'll get used to it, Aes Sedai," Mashid told her firmly and let go of her wrists. She walked towards the window of the room and glanced out at the lightening sky that was slipping from black to a faint blue on the horizon. "It takes some time. But learn to accept the bond. It only makes things easier."
"You've been bonded before, Mashid," Tigrae was slowly starting to calm down. Trust warmed the bond that tingled in the back of Mashid's mind. Mashid felt relief and pressed it against the bond, and hoped Tigrae would understand and be able to translate the feeling and sensation she'd now be feeling. "Will we always know where the other one is? And what the other one is thinking and feeling? What if there are times when I need you not to react to anything I'm thinking or feeling?"
"There is some way that you can....cover, or lock up the Bond. But that's not good to do too often, though I suppose it'd be fine within the Tower. This place is safe enough. But I don't know how you cover it. I cannot do that from my end. Perhaps one of your sisters would know?" Mashid suggested and waited with an open mind and calm center for Tigrae's reaction. Now I'll know what she thinks of her Ajah.
Distrust and suspicion slipped through the bond, quivering into Mashid's mind, but also...acknowledgment. Of what, Mashid could not know but she suspected that Tigrae knew her sisters could be a wealth of information when it came to this field. But Tigrae's response surprised her, "I'll ask a friend of mine. She's a Green and she has a few Warders."
"There are quite a number of Blues with Warders," pointed out Mashid casually, trying to figure out how far she could push her Aes Sedai. My Aes Sedai.
"Yes, there are." Tigrae replied simply and Mashid felt nothing strong or unusual through the Bond.
The Aes Sedai could play a cool card and appear serene in her mind and her face, more than she actually was. That was a gift that few could call their own, and it would be incredibly useful except when Mashid wanted to know what Tigrae was saying. This will be a very interesting relationship, Mashid thought and glanced up at the stars that still glowed in the sky. This was out of her realm and she did not know where she was walking or why she had agreed to do this, but it still felt right. It felt more right than agreeing to be Zainer's Warder and she hadn't even argued with him. She glanced over her shoulder at the pale, slim Aes Sedai who was watching her with unreadable eyes. The Aes Sedai was pushing a silver bracelet around her wrist and Mashid listened to the bond again. The Aes Sedai felt apprehensive.Mashid pushed confidence towards her and the Aes Sedai pushed irritation right back at her. "Don't patronize me, Mashid."
"I'm not patronizing."
"Yes, you are. I don't need your confidence."
"You're learning to read the bond very quickly."
"You're doing it again."
"Patronizing?"
"We may be the strangest pair I've ever known."
"I didn't promise conformity." Mashid grinned broadly at the Aes Sedai who smiled widely back her.
"If I was looking for conformity, I wouldn't have asked the Gaidar who called me dirtier names than I've been called by drunk and dying men."
"I pride myself on my comprehensive language."
"You're intolerable, Mashid." Tigrae shook her head, trying not to laugh. Mirth was filling the bond, though.
Mashid smiled fondly at the Aes Sedai, and decided that she wasn't so bad after all. "I know."
Understood
The woman was worse than intolerable. For all of her guilt surrounding the circumstances of Zainer Sedai's death, Mashid Ayli Sahar was downright pompous. She hid it well, within layers of cynicism, pride and training, but she had enough pride in herself to fill up two or three men. Tigrae thought she had self-confidence but she paled in comparison to the dark skinned Gaidar. Tigrae and Mashid were sitting down, exchanging stories they knew about the Towers and generally getting to know each other. Tigrae had changed into a more comfortable dress and was now curled up in a chair by the fire and the Gaidar was waving her hands about as she told some story about Zainer and recruiting boys for the Tower. Tigrae wasn't following the story, but it didn't matter. The stories did not matter, in reality, or at least the way Tigrae saw it. She liked to hear Mashid just talk and laugh as she told the stories. This was the Tairen woman without any pretenses and she was friendlier when she was not being a Gaidar or a Warder or, worst of all, a Tairen. Tigrae hid a smile into her teeth and rested her chin on her knees. Finally, she had an ally in the Tower. At last, she had a friend in the Tower. Already, the wheels in Tigrae's head were turning as she planned and plotted her next return. She would have to repair relations within her Ajah, and with a few people outside her Ajah with whom she had had fights after the Cairhien incident. She would have to lie, and cajol, and play her cards right. She wanted that Sitter position again, even if it did require her to be stuck at the Tower occasionally.
"Silver for your thoughts," Mashid said calmly and Tigrae realized she must have been quiet for awhile.
Tigrae lifted her chin and turned her head towards the window that was warming under the hazy glow of sunrise. "The sun's rising."
"Yes," The Gaidar (My Warder!) sounded and felt amused. Tigrae tried not to feel chided and childish. "It's been rising since it set, Aes Sedai."
Tigrae blinked and glanced back at the Warder. "I hadn't thought of it that way."
Mashid raised her eyebrows, "Really?"
Tigrae glanced back outside the window, at the Trainees and Younglings that were beginning their morning runs. Some of them must have been in a class, for they ran side by side in pairs and straight columns and a few Gaidin were trotting alongside them. Tigrae thought back to her own schooling, and realized that as uniformed as she thought it was all those years ago, it truly wasn't. Everyone moved at their own pace through the Tower, and the Aes Sedai who did a great deal of teaching were generally patient women and men. Every student of the Aes Sedai felt stifled, confined and yet they did not realize that those years were the greatest years of freedom. Nor did they choose this way of life. They had been chosen, by turns of fate they did not understand. But every Aes Sedai had found his or her place in history, and Tigrae was determined to seal hers. She watched the students jogging around the courtyard and tightened her lips. Tigrae thought it impossible that a woman, such as Mashid, who was so devoted to the Tower but so outspoken and rash, came out of training that was so regimented. But some things were inexplicable, and Tigrae somehow thought that she ought not to question Mashid on that. She probably doesn't feel like she's outspoken. Or rash.
"So what now?" Mashid reached down and fed the fire another log. The flames licked hungrily at the dry wood and sparked as it searched for the fast way to consume the log. She glanced up at Tigrae. "Will you just sit here at the Tower? Should I ask to teach classes?"
"No," Tigrae said softly and leaned forward. "I need you to do me a favor."
"These aren't favors anymore, Aes Sedai. They are duties and obligations," Mashid answered cheerfully. "What is it?"
"I want you to ride to Kandor. There's someone I need to find. He will help me." Tigrae danced evasively around the true nature of what she needed her Warder to do. She held onto a piece of hope that Mashid would not be difficult when the Gaidar's eyes lit up at the prospect of leaving the Tower on official duty. Tigrae hated to do this to her, but it had to be done. "His name is Mel. Mel Ulman."
Mashid's eyes narrowed sharply. "Why do I know that name?"
"He was an Accepted here," Tigrae said slowly, "A few years ago. He defected to the Black Tower and was almost immediately raised to the Black Tower. I convinced the Tower not to chase after him, because he's truly a weak channeler and a rather aggressive young man. It was not worth the fight with the Black Tower for that type of student."
Mashid's fury and anger was evident in her face, but even moreso through the bond. It made Tigrae's head hurt. The Gaidar trembled in her seat and then leapt up and paced to the window. Tigrae watched her walk, trying to stay calm and rational. Quietly, she added, "Mashid, I need you to do this. He knows the White Tower, and he may know people I should talk to in the Black Tower. Last night was rather unproductive. Remember he was once White Tower."
"He's Asha'man." Mashid spat onto the ground and ground her boot into it. She glowered at Tigrae. "You're testing me awfully hard, Tigrae Sedai."
"You will have to work with Asha'man if you are to be my Warder, Mashid Gaidar," snapped Tigrae, not moving. "Must I release your bond?"
"Well that'd be the shortest lived Bonding, wouldn't it." Mashid countered angrily.
Both of them glowered at each other in silence. Tigrae was furious. She thought that Mashid said she would be able to handle this, and that Mashid had understood what it meant to be Tigrae's Warder. Had the woman been blind? The impudence of the Tairen was truly untolerable, but how could an Aes Sedai punish her Warder? Anger? It was illegal and cruel to do anything else, though Tigrae thought about slapping the woman with a wave of Fire and Air right now. Frustrated, the blonde woman tried to think if there was any other way to get a message to Mel, but she couldn't think of one. The man was highly suspicious of everyone, and not quite sane. His paranoia would be a problem, but he was highly respectful of someone who had the guts and courage to challenge him. There really weren't too many people ready to do that, and Mashid was someone who would do that readily. Her hatred of Asha'man could be a plus, in fact, if only she would ride out to Kandor.
"Fine." Mashid snapped and sighed. She tugged her long black braid and didn't look at Tigrae. "I'll do it. Where will I find him?"
"Thank you, my Warder," Tigrae said softly and then leaned forward. "You'll need to leave immediately, so listen closely."
There. If you read, I hoped you enjoyed.
ugh. i am so stupidddd