massive confusion
been so busy. sun burnt to a crisp, band camp everyday, state theatre everynight..now work.. yeah, a paying job.. now my family can shut the hell up about my 132 hours of volunteer work since this past june.. but im constantly on the go.. sometimes i believe thats truely a good thing.. but really.. im not so sure..
i dont know why i even care anymore...
actually, i dont think that i do.. i just like to pretend
im making no sense, but ive been really messed up lately- really. ive had my moms debit/credit card now for months, NEVER spending any money, because duh, we dont have it. and if i did need something, i asked first. stupid me went on a shopping spree on friday when everything went wrong... but you know something- even just a few months ago, as upset as i got i wouldve done something real bizarre over something so stupid.. but this time- i bought things with money we dont have. so my moms pissed at me, and she has every right to be.. i just suck at life, i feel like i cant do anything right. i had my first night at work tonight- felt SO unwanted, so really- why be there? im going to end up remaining broke anyway.. im just rambling and making no sense and saying things that dont matter.. but so many countless times ive felt so alone.. thats always been me, but its so much more intense now.. band camp- okay, lunch break.. everyone hangs out with their friends, leaves the school to go out to eat, leaves the school to go to someones house and eat.. what do I do? well, i get in my car, and i go sit at my house by myself for an hour before i have to go back up to the high school for band camp to start again. im missing out on everything.. the kids include me in things when we're up there- but it's so fake.. i really have nothing in common with anyone up there, besides the fact that we love marching band.. this is my 13th year! (crazy, beings im 17) i just grew up 10 years sooner then what I had to.. but now im really grown up, i 'matured' much sooner then my peers, and now i really am getting to the age where i have to be independent, be in control of myself, figure out what i want to do, where i belong... i find myself wondering back to days where i was younger... nothing mattered to me.. even years afffter things had happened, i ignored it all.. of course it all blew up a few years ago.. but while i ignored things, i had fun.. i was carefree.. life was good.. and it makes you feel so uninspired to think that you'll never feel those things again...
sisters baby shower this sunday.. um, how can i decorate saturday night when i have to work?! :( im pissed.. this is MY sister.. and MY neice, in whom i named. sarah makayla. (lena and todd picked the spelling of makayla.. its different.. but works) i hope shes surprised.. she thinks shes going to our great-uncle pauls surprise 60th birthday party.. duh..
and here is lena near the end of july.. she is much bigger now..
i dont know why i even care anymore...
actually, i dont think that i do.. i just like to pretend
im making no sense, but ive been really messed up lately- really. ive had my moms debit/credit card now for months, NEVER spending any money, because duh, we dont have it. and if i did need something, i asked first. stupid me went on a shopping spree on friday when everything went wrong... but you know something- even just a few months ago, as upset as i got i wouldve done something real bizarre over something so stupid.. but this time- i bought things with money we dont have. so my moms pissed at me, and she has every right to be.. i just suck at life, i feel like i cant do anything right. i had my first night at work tonight- felt SO unwanted, so really- why be there? im going to end up remaining broke anyway.. im just rambling and making no sense and saying things that dont matter.. but so many countless times ive felt so alone.. thats always been me, but its so much more intense now.. band camp- okay, lunch break.. everyone hangs out with their friends, leaves the school to go out to eat, leaves the school to go to someones house and eat.. what do I do? well, i get in my car, and i go sit at my house by myself for an hour before i have to go back up to the high school for band camp to start again. im missing out on everything.. the kids include me in things when we're up there- but it's so fake.. i really have nothing in common with anyone up there, besides the fact that we love marching band.. this is my 13th year! (crazy, beings im 17) i just grew up 10 years sooner then what I had to.. but now im really grown up, i 'matured' much sooner then my peers, and now i really am getting to the age where i have to be independent, be in control of myself, figure out what i want to do, where i belong... i find myself wondering back to days where i was younger... nothing mattered to me.. even years afffter things had happened, i ignored it all.. of course it all blew up a few years ago.. but while i ignored things, i had fun.. i was carefree.. life was good.. and it makes you feel so uninspired to think that you'll never feel those things again...
sisters baby shower this sunday.. um, how can i decorate saturday night when i have to work?! :( im pissed.. this is MY sister.. and MY neice, in whom i named. sarah makayla. (lena and todd picked the spelling of makayla.. its different.. but works) i hope shes surprised.. she thinks shes going to our great-uncle pauls surprise 60th birthday party.. duh..
and here is lena near the end of july.. she is much bigger now..