Not sure...
So I came home from school this morning.. I survived my first semester @ Marywood!
Had finals in music therapy, theory, dictation, aural skills, juries for piano, saxophone, guitar, and a portfolio for writing skills.
All finished by wednesday afternoon.. Had about.. eh 5 concerts in the last month?
Well. last night I broke down. Really, broke down.
Held onto a huge bear someone real great gave me, rocking back and forth and bawling.. while thinking of my niece, Sarah, and my little cousin, Brianna, I actually just kept saying "sorry" over and over again.. "I'm so sorry.."
Normally I will cry and tell myself I need to keep living for them...because I want to be here for them...
but I've really hit the bottom.. and I'm not sure where to go from here..
Laura was here at 1:30.. and didn't leave till shortly after 5.
She started working with me in October 06.. and for the first time, I cried in front of her. Actually sat here, tears streaming down my face for a good hour.. I took a huge leap there..
She asked if we could "work on things" while I'm home for the next month... I just.. can't verbalize things, and would it even be helpful? I just can't talk about that stuff.. I feel like I waste her time.. yet she still works with me... All of those things are so haunting to me.. and as I told her.. I only feel that in the movies people are actually able to talk about things that have happened to them... I just dont see it happening in "real life"...
and she tried for hours to talk me into letting her take me to the hospital.. She expressed how many times in the last year she has left my house not being sure if she'd see me again.. but also not wanting to send me anywhere afraid it would make things worse..
Honestly, through all the tribulations I've had in the last year, actually going to the hospital was never brought up in conversation. But it's real now. And I'm just not sure what the best option is right now..
She can't 302 me.. It's not like I have a noose tied in my room or anything.. She says many of the comments I've made really are frightening.. and, I am feeling horrible. Really horrible. Scared. Just completely besides myself. And I am worried. Worried I will hurt people by going too far.. I know what I want.. and right in this moment, I am okay. But what about an hour from now? I've been having horrible ups and downs.. Bipolar and PTSD are kicking my ass.. I just.. don't want to go back there.. I don't want to upset anyone by needing to go back there..
I just want people to be proud.. everyone at LVPA.. everyone whose ever worked with me in hospitals/residentials/whatever who still check up on me.. I want them to know I'm doing well.. I don't want to disappoint them..
My family.. they try and do everything they can to make my life better... I don't want them feeling helpless because I've gone through things and I'm stupid and can't find a way to "get over it"
Laura told me today she was afraid that once I was done with the semester, after putting that energy I had left into trying to be successful with my school work.. and being completely manic about it.. that I would crash.. that what happened a couple weeks ago would come smashing in my face.. that I wouldn't be able to hide from it anymore..
..and boy, was she right.
Of course she's called several times tonight already.. I took my meds.. many of them.. just waiting to fall asleep.. and she's calling in the morning.. we're going to make this work.. She'll be here again on monday..
I just......don't know what to do... There is such a HUGE war going on in my head..
I feel so ready to give up. But sadly, I have matured in that area over the years. And I realize and have learned from my past attempts how hurtful that is for other people.
If it's other peoples jobs to "help" people.. then why can't they just "help" them and let them do what they feel is most "helpful" for them..
I was thinking of the idea of someone calling an ambulance after someone has attempted something.. and how hard they work to save the person.. that really isn't "helpful"....