The Healing Process is a Lifetime Journey...
so Music Therapy class today was amazing & interesting...
Patients from Danville State Hospital came into class and shared their thoughts and ideas through Music, Drama, and Dance!
....they were all amazing individuals with much creativity with the arts, and they were proud to perform it. I was proud to be there to witness it.
it was just really hard for me. maybe i shouldnt be doing music therapy if im going to allow it to hit me so personally. but, there was a point where i wanted to get up and leave for a minute to pull myself together. i sat there with tears forming in my eyes as they sang a song with lyrics,
"too late to say goodbye, too late to even cry. no time left to buy, too late to even try."
.....i wanted to reach out to all of them and tell them its NEVER too late to try. and im sitting here crying now as im typing this.
i was in their position. but somehow for this last year ive managed to steer myself in a different direction.
i decided I WOULD NOT LET MYSELF GET STUCK IN THE SYSTEM.... SURE, i STILL struggle, and i ALWAYS will. and they even said themselves, "THE HEALING PROCESS IS A LIFETIME JOURNEY."
but that doesnt mean its ever too late to try. they can make it, and they can "get better" and be discharged and get out there and start living their life.
somehow im doing it. and yes, i have setbacks. i've had many in the last year since ive been placement free.
but i've come a LONG way since that first hospitalzation many years ago...
really, i can look at some of the good-bye letters i got from staff when i left Residential... how impressed they were,
because when they first met me, they "thought i was going to be another one of those kids to get lost in the system, who would never 'get better'".... i wouldnt know where i was, id be crunched in a bawl, swaying back and forth, digging my nails into my skin, screaming and crying while having flashbacks.. and not even aware i was doing it. and ive finally gotten to the point where i could deal with them myself. sure, not positively evertime- but i was a lot better....and there i was, being discharged.. not needing to be on 1:1 anymore or under close observation, not needing that arm length with a staff member there 24/7. and hell, even though i still struggle with SI, i was bulemic from age 11-16, thats one thing ive pretty much recovered from. always a struggle, some setbacks a long the way, but im living life, and ive learned the tools to make it without direct assistance every second of the day.
when i stayed around afterwards and talked with some of them, one of the clients must have told me "good luck" at least 5 times. and my reply wasnt so much of a "thank you".. but a "good luck to you too"
as in, i understand where you are. and i know you can make it. somehow i am.
it was just so hard to sit on the other side for once.
i should be thankful, and hopeful that when im their age i wont still be going in and out of placements as they are.
but really, what makes me different from any of them?
i transfered to the adult system about a year ago, and since then i've been hospital/residential free.
though its been a constant struggle, i havent attempted to end it all during this time. sure, ive done things that people view as being "wrong" "dangerous" and "unhealthy" to cope with things..
but i know people care.
thats one thing ive finally been able to accept whether i want to accept it or not.
people care.
and they hated seeing me doing such things to myself. they hated how i was letting the things that have happened to me ruin my entire life.
ive really had quite the experience in those different places...even their bagged lunches in a huge cooler with drinks in another as an "outing" or "off unit trip" reminded me of residential.. when we'd take an afternoon trip to the park and the cafateria staff bagged our lunch...or watching as the staff decided which staff would go with this group or that when one group went downstairs and the other on a smoke break, making sure the quota was correct and each patient was supervised, or staring at the bus that got them to their destination and remembering all the off unit trips i was 'granted' at residential for my good behavior; taking trips to the movies, mall, five below, library in our "beneto center" vans...
like i've said, i really have come a LONG way.
i've seen more kids get restrained then i could imagine- sure had my own share, witnessed some of the biggest fights, went through electric shock therapy, did ink block testing, sleep disorder tests, been on every med imaginable, been in more group therapy sessions then i ever needed, read the rules for the adolecent unit one too many times (...please show respect at all times and refrain from using foul langauge, you are to behave in a manner that respects and protects your safety as well as the safety of others with whom you share this unit....ha), seen so many kids go in and out, been exposed to so many different diagnosis, lost a friend to suicide who was in another residential(really helped me to learn the impact your suicide has on others, and.. ugh, i miss her a lot- "theres a pixie on your shoulder!!" RIP JP, i love you<3), had too many CAASP meetings, was found under a sink hanging off the pipes with a shirt, spent lots of time in seclusion rooms, found people who believed and didnt believe in me, made soo many arts and crafts, had someone sit in the doorway when i went to the bathroom and showered,
and with that i met some of the best people.
i miss them all so much, as they were such a huge part of my life.. and they always will be.
"because i knew you, i have been changed for good....."