Topaz and I are taking a break from our romantic/sexual relationship
icon: "tenebrous (a shadowy orange-light photo of my face, looking down, with an achingly sad expression)"
I've been trying to write about this for days now. I really don't know how. It is so big I still haven't absorbed it.
Things have been difficult since I accidentally triggered Topaz a few weeks ago (just to be clear, this is a PTSD trigger but not related to sex). At first they felt so uncomfortable* around me that they couldn't even take their clothes off for bed without getting under the covers first, and cuddles had to be very brief (once they could be had at all). Slowly we worked up to having kisses again, after about three weeks. *(for the sake of context I'm mentioning their feelings -- I will try to be as true to what they have told me as possible but I doubt it will be exactly accurate)
I talked with them about sex and they said that they didn't want sex with me right now, and asked if we could have a romantic but not sexual relationship. I said okay, and the next day as we discussed definitions (because what is sex to me is not necessarily sex to Topaz), and more stuff unraveled. They had been feeling this way (specifically not-desiring sex with me) for months, off and on, but had dismissed it as an aberration and not talked with me about it. I felt really thrown off by the idea, adrift. I think they didn't tell me because they explained it away to themselves as not a thing, but I worry about all kinds of reasons they might not have wanted to tell me. We talked about all that stuff with a lot of crying and decided that I would not initiate sex and would not initiate certain acts if Topaz initiated sex, unless/until Topaz decided to re-negotiate that.
The next day, Topaz thought more and sent me an email (our preferred method of handling intense conversation) saying maybe we need to take a break from each other romantically as well. They explained that we have gotten in unhealthy patterns. I felt initially defensive but thought about it and agreed, and wrote them back describing how I felt like my out-of-balance-ness was happening and gave some suggestions for how we could make the break (because I think very concretely). They were really shocked that I responded by saying yes. For me, if there is any chance that the other person doesn't want to be in the relationship, that is a red flag immediate stop. I do my best to only have relationships that are fully consensual, where both parties are desirous of it and consciously choosing to be in it.
That was an awful night. A break doesn't scare me in general (I actually suggested one a few weeks ago) but Topaz is so sad that I am starting to get worried. What if the only way they manage the break is to cut me out of their heart and mind? will they want to put me back? will they be able to? How do they know they will still want to be my soulfriend? What if they decide that I am too intense, too emotional? What if they decide they would rather be closed-off to life in general? As far as I know they haven't done that before, but other people have shut me out because they didn't want to be connected to themselves and I know that is a real possibility. What if they associate romance and sex with me with the pain they've been otherwise dealing with for the past many months? How could they possibly want it then? What if they only think about the fact that I need some intimate focus to be nourished and that that can be draining, and they don't think about the good things I offer? what if they would rather just have escape buddies? What if they decide that they only want to date one person and that person isn't me?
But then, what if they are already out of love with me and just don't know it because of force of habit? I cannot bear that idea. I told them that I really hope it is just a break, but I'm going to go into it with no expectations, because if I have expectations of if/when we get back together it won't feel like a break. I'm going to assume that Topaz won't want a romantic or sexual relationship with me again because if I assume the opposite and it's not true, that would be excruciating. Regardless (as I reminded them), I will be their friend forever, will always love them and want to be close to them, want to be part of their family and to be included in their life as much as they want me (and not a drop more).
We decided that starting next Monday, (because we already had a plan for Sunday for a thing that only happens once a year) we will be on a break for at least 21 days. At the end we will talk about it and rebuild from scratch (whichever kind of connection it may be) with no relationship assumptions, discuss our wants and needs. We can renegotiate this at any point but both have to agree.
During this, we will have :
-no one-on-one time (except maybe in public for a short time? but that is doubtful, sounds more painful than not)
-no cuddly emotes
-only very short (max 6 replies) goodnights
-no romance (kisses, handholding)
-no sensuality (flirting, etc)
-to try not to use endearments
-to not daily sharing emotionally meaningful experiences (this for me is part of soulfriendship but to Topaz it is romantic so for these 21 days it is off)
But:
-we can still text and snapchat
-we can still say i love you or i miss you
-we can still ask for emotional support, but must try 2 other people first
-maybe we can have a videochat once a week? we haven't talked about that.
This waiting is so hard for me. I don't think it will hit me until Monday. I feel like I am going to be so sad and yet not really accept it and I will get to the end of the time and then they will tell me they don't want to be romantic/sexual with me and I don't even know how I'm going to manage that. And it is going to be so excruciatingly difficult not to ask for updates on their feelings toward me but I know that is counterproductive so I must resist. Part of me wants to just do a reduction in how often we see each other, but I worry that wouldn't be enough and that they'd fall out of love for sure if they hadn't already.
Okay well it just hit me and I'm crying now. I mean I know I will be okay eventually but right now I feel shattered.
I'm also kind of angry at myself for letting this happen. I feel like I could have prevented it if I had been better at self-care. I wouldn't have become something Topaz feels dependent on. I wouldn't have been the only source of comfort if I hadn't been so easily and constantly available without them even asking. I feel like I do this over and over in relationships and it makes me sick, but it's so hard to know where the line is between generosity and a kind of selfish giving where if I thought about it at all I would know that it isn't good for either of us. I tried half-heartedly to prompt them to do this or that, but the boundaries just got gently bumped by circumstance (a constant stream of traumas and stresses) and I didn't put in any real effort to maintain them, and they shifted. Topaz didn't have set boundaries on their separation time, so we went by mine, and mine were wet cardboard. I wanted to be there for them, and I wanted their company, and their house is close to my work, and they share healthy food with me which I can't afford (or cook so deliciously) on my own, and we like to watch shows together, and our cuddles are so sweet and warm and nourishing and comforting... many reasons. It became habit for me to be at their house, and habit for me to comfort them and help however I could, and those things should never be habit. There should be a question in my head "do this?" not just "do this." I cannot do this again. I have got to figure out some way to stop doing it too much, yet still be able to give. All I can think of is having a limit on time together. It worked before -- next time I just have to be more rigorous about it I guess.