why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing

[belenen]

icon: "interconnectedness (two bald purple-skinned people in the ocean: from Joan Slonczewski's "Door Into Ocean")"The main reason I consider myself demisexual is that the actual 'sex' part of sex doesn't interest me. It's the things that I get during sex other than physical stimulation that make sex valuable to me. Things that make sex worth it

Comments

[belenen]

awww thank you for this affirming comment. It's true that to be good at consent you need to have good self-awareness! I have known many people who have accidentally broken someone's boundaries because they weren't aware of their own attitude/behavior/needs/etc.

[wanderipity]

Wow I agree. Sex is about intention.

Ive never really understood or looked up the definition of demisexual, but the way you explained yourself as a demisexual made it easy for me to understand.

[belenen]

Well, my definition is specific to me -- different people will define it different ways. For some people, being demisexual means that they never experience sexual attraction except after being in a loving relationship for a period of time. For others, it can mean that they will have no sexual desire for a period of time (months or years) and then briefly have sexual desire, and then not have it again for a long time. Basically demisexual is not quite asexual (where you never experience sexual attraction) but not allosexual either (people who experience sexual attraction in the average way).

[stray_infinity]

I enjoyed reading this post. I think I might have confused sensuality for sexuality, or maybe I like a mix

[belenen]

For me the difference between sensuality and sexuality is in the intention. When a masseuse gives you a backrub, you know they have non-sexual intentions so you don't experience it sexually, but if your lover gives you a backrub as foreplay, you can feel that energy and it's a totally different experience.

#4 is nice, but by itself would definitely not be enough to make sex worth it for me.

I imagine I receive well. I deliberately focus on the sensations and do my best to be fully present in the moment. It's as though the only part of me that exists is the part being interacted with. It can be hard to get past the urge to perform, but if I feel like I have to perform with someone rather than be unedited and fully myself, I just won't have sex with them. I'll either get more comfortable first or just not bring sex into our relationship.

[safranfoer]

This entry is everything

[belenen]

heh, thanks? what do you mean?

[xochitl]

I can relate to a lot of this. All the stuff that goes along with sex has really been more interesting to me than the physical parts. I've been wondering if I'm on the asexual spectrum lately. I'm sure it's interconnected with my aspergers (and the accompanying sensory/social problems & problems with gender roles) but I guess I'd always assumed I was like, "regular ol' straight girl" and the older I get the less that seems true.

[belenen]

Yeah, I kinda think of it like queerness, in that we wouldn't need these definitions and identities if there wasn't a norm that people are punished for deviating from. I imagine that with no social pressure to be straight/cis or choose between binary options, at least 3/4ths of people would be non-binary in their gender and sexuality. I imagine that without being trained to perceive sex as proof of love and the glue for relationships and the proof that you're a worthwhile person, most people would be somewhere between asexual and allosexual.