why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing

[belenen]

icon: "interconnectedness (two bald purple-skinned people in the ocean: from Joan Slonczewski's "Door Into Ocean")"The main reason I consider myself demisexual is that the actual 'sex' part of sex doesn't interest me. It's the things that I get during sex other than physical stimulation that make sex valuable to me. Things that make sex worth it

Comments

[stray_infinity]

I enjoyed reading this post. I think I might have confused sensuality for sexuality, or maybe I like a mix.

I have a fetish for giving. I like getting reactions, feeling another person's bare skin on my lips and hands - the tautness of the skin on one's neck, the top of the toes, pressing my lips deep into the upper thighs, drawing a stiff nipple into my mouth. The sensation just thrills me. I revel in knowing that another person gave me permission to experience their body. Maybe that's where the sensuality comes in, the bit you were describing in the very beginning of this post?

I very much enjoy #4. Verbal communication could wear me out. I try to find accurate words to convey what's on my mind in such a way that I end up using a lot of mental energy. I love to people watch. Finding spots that bring a person pleasure is like finding treasure. I did something well. The person is enjoying my presence.

Do you receive physical attention well? I have anxieties about that. I never know what my reactions should be. Do I watch the person? Do I close my eyes? Do I stay still? :S

[belenen]

For me the difference between sensuality and sexuality is in the intention. When a masseuse gives you a backrub, you know they have non-sexual intentions so you don't experience it sexually, but if your lover gives you a backrub as foreplay, you can feel that energy and it's a totally different experience.

#4 is nice, but by itself would definitely not be enough to make sex worth it for me.

I imagine I receive well. I deliberately focus on the sensations and do my best to be fully present in the moment. It's as though the only part of me that exists is the part being interacted with. It can be hard to get past the urge to perform, but if I feel like I have to perform with someone rather than be unedited and fully myself, I just won't have sex with them. I'll either get more comfortable first or just not bring sex into our relationship.