on the 'rudeness' of canceling/lateness caused by chronic pain/fatigue/anxiety/depression and/or ADD

[belenen]

icon: "strong (a photo of me in warm light with my hair down around my face, staring intensely into the camera in a defiant mood)"Note: if I say something problematic please mention it because I'm talking about some things I don't have personal experience with (chronic pain/fatigue/anxiety) so I may be off-base and have no idea

Comments

[kehlen]

I don't think it's an ableist problem, rather, it's a common decency problem. Like, shit happens, everyone can have stuff come up unexpectedely

[belenen]

What makes it ableist is that it is a problem that disproportionately and systemically affects disabled people. Any kind of suffering is probably experienced by most kinds of people at some point, but there's a huge fucking difference between a handful of experiences and the constant presence or threat of that experience.

The problem is in ever assuming that "everyone can at least do this" or that only visible disabilities are things that affect everyday life.

Also no its not just as bad to be late. Being late is something you sometimes cant help. Assuming that someone wronged you by not giving their best is something you can help.

Obviously before you know you can't know and you should just do your best with the information that you have, accept what people have to say about their own experiences, and always seek to learn.

The point is not to try to avoid offending people. It's to try to avoid reinforcing and causing suffering, especially when you have the privilege of not experiencing that suffering or that level of suffering.

[cheshire23]

Ugh. Fear of being that rude person is why it's so hard for me to MAKE any plans. :(

[eristic_writer]

I have really mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, yes, absolutely, I should be able to call into dates or whatever with PTSD. It certainly would have helped my education be less traumatic if I were able to do such, rather than spending endless months fighting for disability accommodations

[rosiekittie]

I don't know you, but I have ADD too.... And while I don't get anxiety from worrying that I will offend (Mostly because I've decided not to give a fuck) I seriously relate to your struggle of remembering/not remembering and remembering that one thing that one time but too late to do anything about it.... It sucks. It really does. Especially when your partner is getting angry because you can't back up the thing you just said, and now you're contradicting yourself even though you didn't mean to say that first thing in the first place but you've said it and now you have to defend it, because we all say what we mean right? Well, no. We don't. I rarely say what I mean because I can't. Even if I had a fully formed thought in my head I couldn't get it to come out of my mouth in a fully formed sentence. I also can't remember what it was I just said, so now I'm saying how I feel now, but that's not what I said before... Rinse, repeat

[chillychilly22]

Dating S has been eye opening... as S has Crohn's disease and has canceled many dates with me. Interestingly, he will feel awful when he has to cancel or push back the meeting time because of his chronic illness, but wouldn't be concerned about showing up late or at all because he wanted to sleep in or just lounge around and not inform me until he felt like it. What the?! So yeah, we had a talk about that. He now calls as soon as he can regardless of reason.