failure w ex-partner / need to know true feelings esp negative

[belenen]

icon: "tenebrous (a dark, orangey photo of me in a heart-crushed moment, looking down, tear-streaked face.)"I had a weird experience today where I was failing at words and logic, getting lost. Usually that kind of fail is ADD meds related and that had a little to do with it as I took my meds really early and forgot to break the pill in half and

Comments

[slinkslowdown]

You articulate so many things that before I read them, I didn't know they applied to me. But once I've read them, I realize they've always been something I've needed.

[belenen]

*love and empathy*

[zimtkeks]

I totally understand what you mean, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I'm afraid many people aren't able to openly admit what they don't like about someone, let alone someone who means a lot to them. They don't just keep it a secret, they don't even realize it, at least from my experience.
I wish there were more people who reflect on themselves and others regularly and communicate about it. I could live with them being rather blunt about it if only I could get that kind of honesty.
I'm very glad to have a close friend who is like that. (Not blunt, they even think about how to say things. ;-) These people are so hard to find!

[belenen]

yes, the not-realizing is why I need my people to be self-aware too. That was my biggest mistake with my ex-partner, for sure.

[raidingparty]

Lots of thoughts about this one. I can see someone saying, "X is okay", and then later it's not okay but not wanting to contradict oneself; whether for lack of experience in X and not knowing whether it's okay or not, or knowing it's not okay but wanting to keep the relationship and needing to acquiesce, or factors changing to make it not okay.

More on lack of experience and intersection with relationships. There are over a hundred possible kinks listed on FetLife; I'm guessing in the 500-1000 range. I've barely scratched the surface. I've generally been content in my relationships, so I haven't had the explicit need to explore all options. That ended up being a problem some time ago, someone was angry with me for not being willing to say I knew I wasn't interested in polyamory. I was (and am still) curious, but never explicitly looking for it because I never knew whether I wanted it or not.

[belenen]

I can empathize with all the reasons to not tell someone you aren't okay with something, but outright telling them that you ARE okay with it when they check in is just lying and I don't empathize with that. That's part of why I check in, because it is a lot easier to answer a question than it is to bring up something painful. I just have to be able to trust that if I ask, I'm going to get an honest answer. And with the people I get really close to, I need to trust that they're going to work on their fear and tell me as soon as they can if I don't happen to check in.

[meri_sielu]

You've nailed it. This too has been my experience many, many times... we feel the same. <3