trauma response to not 'getting it' quickly enough / worth in performance / assume I'm doing my best
The other day I had an argument with a friend in which they got upset with me for not understanding what they were trying to say after they tried to explain a few times, and unfriended me. I realize now this is a place of old trauma, because I started weeping, and when Topaz asked, I realized it was because I felt punished for not thinking right/
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I'd never have homework because I could do that all so quickly in class time. I never studied, but still did amazingly. Hell, I had 98% in grade 12 biology despite not spending a single moment studying. Information just went in and was forever in my brain after just seeing/hearing/reading it a single time.
But now that I'm on Gabapentin, my memory is horrible and it terrifies me. I feel useless at times.
The drug has made my memory so bad that I have no memory of the fact that one of my best friends didn't speak to me for a year. I only know that happened because I went back through old LJ posts one day and read about it.
It's... unsettling.
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YES. this feeling. i cannot even begin to say how much i know how you feel. i never doubted you always had understanding, support and safety for me. i hope you know i do have the same for you, too.
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You're a very special writer and, I'd say, person in general. Everything you post that I have read speaks straight into my own heart. I'm sorry that you've been conditioned in really hurtful ways but your empathy and compassion for others enough to share what you've learned along the way is commendable to say the least. Be good to yourself :)
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Guh. This. This was me for so very long. Medicine, for better or for worse, pushed me to develop a thicker professional skin but I know that in my personal life when this happens...oy.
HUGS to you. So much.
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