Recently: amazing time w Topaz, Sydney, Kei-Won-Tia / energy healing / victory over self-doubt / job
the 12th I helped Topaz prepare in the morning (using my hyperfocus-tidying skills) for zir dinner party that evening. Ze had me and Sydney and Kei-Won-Tia over and made us a many-course meal composed mostly of stuff from zir garden. It was the most delicious, luxurious meal and I loved hanging out with the three of them. During the meal Kei-Won-Tia and I poured out questions on Sydney, who took it quite well. I really like Sydney, and (I'm just realizing this) if I didn't think of zir as "Topaz' friend" I'd probably be more proactive about getting to be closer friends. I think I'm going to change that.
I got distracted and didn't get photos of everything, but here are some of the delicious courses:
Anyway, someone mentioned intimacy practice and Sydney complained that ze hadn't been invited, which surprised and excited me because I'd love for Sydney to come! Partly so I can know zir better and partly because I think it would make Topaz feel happier and more intwined with the group: it has been at least 8 months since Topaz brought someone. So I sent zir an invitation to the next monthly one right then. Later I got on facebook to try and organize a second one this month, and people were just not being helpful, so I gave up. I'm gonna have to text people or something, but most are out of range this weekend at a burn.
After the fucking beautiful and delicious meal, we had alcoholic popsicles that I made the night before, then real drinks, and the four of us talked about all kinds of things that were important to us. Topaz and Sydney talked about their pasts, and Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz talked about science (both the bad kind and the real kind) and Sydney and I talked a little about trees and mushrooms, which we both have strong connections with. Sydney is very talkative but does the same thing I do when other people are having animated conversation: turns into sheer observation. I've never seen an outgoing person do that before and I thought it was so cool. That's often called shyness or introversion and I am certain it is not, and after seeing a person who seems extroverted to me do the same thing, I felt validated. It's like extreme listening. That whole night was amazingly nourishing <3
13th and 14th I don't remember much except bad sleep and applying to jobs and LJing. Tuesday I went to Topaz' and had cuddles and tucked zir in, then came home to my own bed.
16th I went to visit Kei-Won-Tia and we talked for a while about zir recent experiences (and I tangented to tell my religious/spiritual history), and then I did an energy cleansing for zir (which I had offered earlier that day). It was interesting because I'd never before done it for someone whose energy field I am not familiar with. We cuddle occasionally but so far, only a handful of times, so energetically ze still feels unknown to me. I think in the future I'm going to try and spend some time 'tuning in' before I start, so that it is easier to sense things. Ze said ze felt warm and I forget what else, I really want to check in and see how things have been since. Afterwards we ate and watched Adventure Time until ze fell asleep, and then I went home.
Thursday I got a request for an interview for a job that I really want, and the hope that gave me I used to finally, finally set up the OpenMagic shop, which was a huge victory over my self-doubt (for like a week, I had burst into tears just thinking about doing it, sure that no one would want them).
Friday I did more cleaning in the kitchen- it has been an intimidating disaster for at least a week but I've been cleaning in 20 minute increments and it's finally starting to be decent. I never leave standing liquid or food sitting out, but as I don't have a dishwasher and loathe doing dishes, empty and slightly-dirty dishes often sit for a while before I clean them. I so do hate doing dishes.
19th I spent with Topaz, having the sweetest cuddles and even a little PDA when we went out (ze's usually paranoid about it, but it is important to me because without it I feel like my person is ashamed to be with me, even if logically I know it is not true). I also talked to my bioparents, which was awkward as usual but better than most times because I had something to tell that they enjoyed hearing (about the interview). I still haven't written them that letter about how to have a real relationship :-/ I need some company for that, I think, I can't motivate for it alone because it seems like a lot of work for possibly zero reward.
Sunday I couldn't sleep from 2am to 10am, so when I did go to sleep I slept until 5. Eventually Topaz got back from zir friend's funeral and we went out to buy Grand Budapest Hotel and watched it while eating dinner, cuddled a bit. Then I left, conflicted because Topaz was sad but didn't want me to stay.
Monday I slowly caught up on LJ, a daunting task now! A welcome problem <3 I gotta figure out a better rhythm for commenting. That night Topaz was sad and I offered to go over but not to spend the night because I had an interview in the morning and needed sleep- Topaz said no thanks. I felt guilty but 1) I have to trust Topaz to tell me what is best for zir and 2) I have to keep track of my energy and know what I can spend.
Tuesday was the interview: nerve-wracking but I felt sure that I would be the perfect person for this job, and hoped they would realize that. If I got it I would have to attend a 3 week training followed by 2 exams, and I have to score in the 99th percentile in order to actually get the job. Pretty stressful but I figured I could do it. After the interview I read at a coffeehouse, then went to an energy healing at the intuitive center. It was good but not as remarkable as before, not sure why. I went to Sanctuary and hung out with Kei-Won-Tia and Kyle for a few hours, just talking, and when Topaz finished work I headed over there, intending to just hang out for a little while but ze was sad so I stayed the night.
I slept in and woke up to a form letter email telling me I didn't get the job. It had no names in it and I was BCC'd, I was crushed and downright hurt -- I cried. When I eventually got up, I emailed them and politely asked why, which made me feel a little better. Topaz took me to taco bell to cheer me up and it did cheer me but also gave me a stomachache. We cuddled and I tucked zir in to bed, then left.
I stayed up all night because I had to go to my psychiatrist appointment at 10 am (not difficult because I woke up at 5pm and didn't get out of bed until 8pm). While there I discussed my worries that I might have thyroid problems because I looked up the symptoms and I have all of them except dry skin/hair (which I take evening primrose oil and vitamin e daily to prevent, and drink shittons of water, so I might just be treating it: if I skip for more than 24 hours my lips crack). Ze listened and suggested I go to the clinic and get tested if I can afford it, so I went to the clinic and asked how much (surprisingly not too costly, and they bill rather than paying up front so I can wait for financial aid) and set an appointment for next week. It's pretty great to be taken seriously by a psychiatrist -- my previous one always made me feel like I was taking a test when I would describe my feelings. Ze also asked how I'd rate how the bupropion is doing for my ADD-PI and when I said fair (not good/great), ze said I could try atomoxetine, which I am wary of as two of the ADDers I've known felt suicidal on it, but I said I'd look into it and think about it.
Reading on erowid about it, I came to the line "create an internal switch to be able to focus on something or not" and it made me cry. I am really really sensitive about the decrease in my brain function. It's emotionally painful to me to not be able to function like I used to be able to. (Side note from reading erowid: what the fuck is with people watching TV while on drugs -- way to let nasty stuff into your subconscious! If I was going to do recreational drugs there is no way I'd let something as gross as ads into my brain while I was vulnerable and less able to reason. Also what is with snorting EVERYTHING good god.) Look at this rabbit trail, ugh.
So after the appointment I went grocery shopping, ran out of money so didn't get my medication (argh), went home and napped, ended up going to bed early. The job people got back to me and told me that I just didn't have enough experience (fair, I'd never done it before and didn't have the degree they said they required); it made me feel better and less paranoid that somehow my evil ex-boss had messed it up for me.
25th I got up at about 6am, spent most of the day reading and responding to LJ and cleaning, reading yet another Tepper book for a while. I just hate sleeping, and love it, at the same time. I never want to go to bed, but I never want to get up. I want to stay awake and do things and then once asleep I want to stay asleep and dream things. I have the most fascinating dreams. One of my favorite (AND STRANGE) bits that happened recently was that I was in this temple-like place and there were these monks with thin cotton deep yellow robes that had thick soft crocheted parts making up the space from the knees to ankles, and making the collar/hood. They asked me questions -- where I came from and others -- and with each question they plucked a hair from my head (which, in the dream, was at least 8 inches long, and loose) and ate it with a bite of raw wild onion that they had just dug up! They were making a spell this way, or guiding me somehow.
I got distracted and didn't get photos of everything, but here are some of the delicious courses:
Anyway, someone mentioned intimacy practice and Sydney complained that ze hadn't been invited, which surprised and excited me because I'd love for Sydney to come! Partly so I can know zir better and partly because I think it would make Topaz feel happier and more intwined with the group: it has been at least 8 months since Topaz brought someone. So I sent zir an invitation to the next monthly one right then. Later I got on facebook to try and organize a second one this month, and people were just not being helpful, so I gave up. I'm gonna have to text people or something, but most are out of range this weekend at a burn.
After the fucking beautiful and delicious meal, we had alcoholic popsicles that I made the night before, then real drinks, and the four of us talked about all kinds of things that were important to us. Topaz and Sydney talked about their pasts, and Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz talked about science (both the bad kind and the real kind) and Sydney and I talked a little about trees and mushrooms, which we both have strong connections with. Sydney is very talkative but does the same thing I do when other people are having animated conversation: turns into sheer observation. I've never seen an outgoing person do that before and I thought it was so cool. That's often called shyness or introversion and I am certain it is not, and after seeing a person who seems extroverted to me do the same thing, I felt validated. It's like extreme listening. That whole night was amazingly nourishing <3
13th and 14th I don't remember much except bad sleep and applying to jobs and LJing. Tuesday I went to Topaz' and had cuddles and tucked zir in, then came home to my own bed.
16th I went to visit Kei-Won-Tia and we talked for a while about zir recent experiences (and I tangented to tell my religious/spiritual history), and then I did an energy cleansing for zir (which I had offered earlier that day). It was interesting because I'd never before done it for someone whose energy field I am not familiar with. We cuddle occasionally but so far, only a handful of times, so energetically ze still feels unknown to me. I think in the future I'm going to try and spend some time 'tuning in' before I start, so that it is easier to sense things. Ze said ze felt warm and I forget what else, I really want to check in and see how things have been since. Afterwards we ate and watched Adventure Time until ze fell asleep, and then I went home.
Thursday I got a request for an interview for a job that I really want, and the hope that gave me I used to finally, finally set up the OpenMagic shop, which was a huge victory over my self-doubt (for like a week, I had burst into tears just thinking about doing it, sure that no one would want them).
Friday I did more cleaning in the kitchen- it has been an intimidating disaster for at least a week but I've been cleaning in 20 minute increments and it's finally starting to be decent. I never leave standing liquid or food sitting out, but as I don't have a dishwasher and loathe doing dishes, empty and slightly-dirty dishes often sit for a while before I clean them. I so do hate doing dishes.
19th I spent with Topaz, having the sweetest cuddles and even a little PDA when we went out (ze's usually paranoid about it, but it is important to me because without it I feel like my person is ashamed to be with me, even if logically I know it is not true). I also talked to my bioparents, which was awkward as usual but better than most times because I had something to tell that they enjoyed hearing (about the interview). I still haven't written them that letter about how to have a real relationship :-/ I need some company for that, I think, I can't motivate for it alone because it seems like a lot of work for possibly zero reward.
Sunday I couldn't sleep from 2am to 10am, so when I did go to sleep I slept until 5. Eventually Topaz got back from zir friend's funeral and we went out to buy Grand Budapest Hotel and watched it while eating dinner, cuddled a bit. Then I left, conflicted because Topaz was sad but didn't want me to stay.
Monday I slowly caught up on LJ, a daunting task now! A welcome problem <3 I gotta figure out a better rhythm for commenting. That night Topaz was sad and I offered to go over but not to spend the night because I had an interview in the morning and needed sleep- Topaz said no thanks. I felt guilty but 1) I have to trust Topaz to tell me what is best for zir and 2) I have to keep track of my energy and know what I can spend.
Tuesday was the interview: nerve-wracking but I felt sure that I would be the perfect person for this job, and hoped they would realize that. If I got it I would have to attend a 3 week training followed by 2 exams, and I have to score in the 99th percentile in order to actually get the job. Pretty stressful but I figured I could do it. After the interview I read at a coffeehouse, then went to an energy healing at the intuitive center. It was good but not as remarkable as before, not sure why. I went to Sanctuary and hung out with Kei-Won-Tia and Kyle for a few hours, just talking, and when Topaz finished work I headed over there, intending to just hang out for a little while but ze was sad so I stayed the night.
I slept in and woke up to a form letter email telling me I didn't get the job. It had no names in it and I was BCC'd, I was crushed and downright hurt -- I cried. When I eventually got up, I emailed them and politely asked why, which made me feel a little better. Topaz took me to taco bell to cheer me up and it did cheer me but also gave me a stomachache. We cuddled and I tucked zir in to bed, then left.
I stayed up all night because I had to go to my psychiatrist appointment at 10 am (not difficult because I woke up at 5pm and didn't get out of bed until 8pm). While there I discussed my worries that I might have thyroid problems because I looked up the symptoms and I have all of them except dry skin/hair (which I take evening primrose oil and vitamin e daily to prevent, and drink shittons of water, so I might just be treating it: if I skip for more than 24 hours my lips crack). Ze listened and suggested I go to the clinic and get tested if I can afford it, so I went to the clinic and asked how much (surprisingly not too costly, and they bill rather than paying up front so I can wait for financial aid) and set an appointment for next week. It's pretty great to be taken seriously by a psychiatrist -- my previous one always made me feel like I was taking a test when I would describe my feelings. Ze also asked how I'd rate how the bupropion is doing for my ADD-PI and when I said fair (not good/great), ze said I could try atomoxetine, which I am wary of as two of the ADDers I've known felt suicidal on it, but I said I'd look into it and think about it.
Reading on erowid about it, I came to the line "create an internal switch to be able to focus on something or not" and it made me cry. I am really really sensitive about the decrease in my brain function. It's emotionally painful to me to not be able to function like I used to be able to. (Side note from reading erowid: what the fuck is with people watching TV while on drugs -- way to let nasty stuff into your subconscious! If I was going to do recreational drugs there is no way I'd let something as gross as ads into my brain while I was vulnerable and less able to reason. Also what is with snorting EVERYTHING good god.) Look at this rabbit trail, ugh.
So after the appointment I went grocery shopping, ran out of money so didn't get my medication (argh), went home and napped, ended up going to bed early. The job people got back to me and told me that I just didn't have enough experience (fair, I'd never done it before and didn't have the degree they said they required); it made me feel better and less paranoid that somehow my evil ex-boss had messed it up for me.
25th I got up at about 6am, spent most of the day reading and responding to LJ and cleaning, reading yet another Tepper book for a while. I just hate sleeping, and love it, at the same time. I never want to go to bed, but I never want to get up. I want to stay awake and do things and then once asleep I want to stay asleep and dream things. I have the most fascinating dreams. One of my favorite (AND STRANGE) bits that happened recently was that I was in this temple-like place and there were these monks with thin cotton deep yellow robes that had thick soft crocheted parts making up the space from the knees to ankles, and making the collar/hood. They asked me questions -- where I came from and others -- and with each question they plucked a hair from my head (which, in the dream, was at least 8 inches long, and loose) and ate it with a bite of raw wild onion that they had just dug up! They were making a spell this way, or guiding me somehow.