Why Break-Ups Should Be Treated Like Graduations Not Like Death

[belenen]

Our attitude toward breakups is damaging, and we need to change it in order to help people escape abuse and to allow people to end relationships without losing community. Death and graduations are both endings, but our attitudes toward them are very different; the first, we put off and mourn, the second, we celebrate. If ending a relationship is

Comments

[rainbowfox9]

um. I don't really agree with this. First of all, 'graduation' implies that there has been a set structure and one has grown to learn all the lessons, with clear understanding along the way and mastery at every given opportunity of testing. There is a clear-cut finish, and others are presumably graduating at the same time, so there is a satisfaction in completion. Even if the subject/major was one thoroughly enjoyed, there is usually a relief, but there is also that more objective aspect

[belenen]

sure, there are definitely more factors, and I know that some relationships end with mourning. In this I'm not talking about the emotions we should have in a breakup. I'm talking about the attitude we should have toward other people's breakups, our default attitude, the starting place. We shouldn't assume there was someone 'at fault' or someone 'to blame.'

If relationships are seen as having natural ends, completing them is not a wrong or harmful thing to do. This is the attitude I want people to have. It's perfectly okay for relationship endings to be understood as often painful, but they don't have to be seen as attacks on other people.

[rainbowfox9]

Ok, I understand better what you mean now, but either I am sheltered or have been around relatively drama-free people or something, but I don't have a lot of background context/history to work with here. Perhaps it's because I don't think that way (of attacking another person

[beauty_forashes]

I agree that most relationships come to an end sometimes, and that's just the way it is (and certainly abusive relationships should be ended as soon as the abused person finds the stability and strength to leave). I think part of the reason for the "blame" mentality is often the fact that it's the very people in the former relationship who are most busy throwing their ex-partner under a bus and making their friends choose "sides". That's something I've never tolerated, or expected from friends who are friends with my ex's. If we have mutual friends, I want him to keep his friends, and I'd never bad-mouth him to friends either, that's just ridiculous (though I have to say it's usually my female friends who pressure people to take sides, who have nothing to do with the relationship. Us guys are usually a lot more chill about all that since we tend not to have that passive-aggressive thing going on so much).

In happiest cases there could be a party with all friends where the ex-lovers talk about what they learned from the relationship

[hands_cupped]

thank you i love you