I think you might be surprised at the understanding you find in a response of, "I am really enjoying my time with X and my personal time and unsure when I will have time for other things. I will be happy to let you know as that changes."
I used to suffer through this guilt, not just about being poly, but in my friendships as well. I don't really see the difference between the two, save the physical intimacy. I still do sometimes, but am always amazed how understanding those in my life are, even if on the periphery, when I say, "Not now, but *maybe* later." :)
This makes a lot of sense. I've noticed in most group dynamics, your feelings for each person can ebb and flow. Even if we're not talking groups, when you have many connections in your life, sometimes one or two will pull you in harder or deeper. It's not about hierarchy; it's about feelings.
I think you can be honest while trying to be as kind as possible. I really like the phrase that dvd8dgrrl suggested. It gets the message across without saying "I don't want to see you," and put the ball back in your court regarding contact.
The thing is, polyamory, just like monogamy, takes practice. No one is born with all the necessary skills to make a relationship work for them and for everyone else involved. You're new at having in-person polyamorous relationships, so you're still learning how to negotiate your time between multiple people. You'll find a balance though and I think you've made a good first step toward that balance.
As others have said, this makes perfect sense. And I often struggle with admitting my own fickleness in my friendships, especially as I am such a solitary person and really need my own time sometimes - I struggle to tell people like that, because it's so easy for them to interpret it as me blowing them off.
...people who are okay with no time commitments, no structure....what is truest to your desire? polyamory is one thing but you are like the embodiment of american selfishness here. who cares how anyone else feels, it's about your desire? you are tired of feeling guilty? maybe sometimes guilt isn't really some social force thrust upon you by the patriarchy- and i definitely believe in the patriarchy, don't get me wrong. maybe sometimes guilt is just your conscience telling you you're being shitty. how many people have you hurt in the name of your desire? any animal can act upon pleasure, the real skill is to act with consideration. we have to share this world.
I don't know who you are but I feel strongly that if you had more faith in what you were saying (and weren't just trolling) you'd sign your name.
I was feeling guilty WHILE being as careful as I could about other people's feelings, and considering them above my own. I wasn't feeling guilty about any of my actions, but about not wanting the same thing other people wanted, which is not within my control. How many people have I hurt in the name of my desire? I hope none. I try to be as clear as I can about what I want and don't, and I do act with consideration. If I hurt someone I try to help heal it. I don't think it is considerate to pretend interest or to date people just because they want me. What exactly are you critiquing here? do you know anything I have done? What makes you think I have acted without consideration?
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I used to suffer through this guilt, not just about being poly, but in my friendships as well. I don't really see the difference between the two, save the physical intimacy. I still do sometimes, but am always amazed how understanding those in my life are, even if on the periphery, when I say, "Not now, but *maybe* later." :)
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I think you can be honest while trying to be as kind as possible. I really like the phrase that dvd8dgrrl suggested. It gets the message across without saying "I don't want to see you," and put the ball back in your court regarding contact.
The thing is, polyamory, just like monogamy, takes practice. No one is born with all the necessary skills to make a relationship work for them and for everyone else involved. You're new at having in-person polyamorous relationships, so you're still learning how to negotiate your time between multiple people. You'll find a balance though and I think you've made a good first step toward that balance.
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It makes me profoundly uncomfortable to feel like I owe time to someone, and it kills the relationship.
THIS!
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I was feeling guilty WHILE being as careful as I could about other people's feelings, and considering them above my own. I wasn't feeling guilty about any of my actions, but about not wanting the same thing other people wanted, which is not within my control. How many people have I hurt in the name of my desire? I hope none. I try to be as clear as I can about what I want and don't, and I do act with consideration. If I hurt someone I try to help heal it. I don't think it is considerate to pretend interest or to date people just because they want me. What exactly are you critiquing here? do you know anything I have done? What makes you think I have acted without consideration?
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