What do I need? oh this fire, this craving.
Lately every time I'm not actively thinking, the question "what do you need?" pulses through me SO LOUDLY that half the time I almost say it out loud and I always try to answer it. But I don't really know the answer maybe, or (this just occurred to me) it could be a question from outside of me, asking me to ASK for what I need. Which is something I've been telling myself to do for the past week or two ("you know how to get what you want, write an affirmation and say it!") and still haven't done. Because I still don't really know. I know what I crave but I don't know if the craving is a need or a cover for the real need.
I need more touch, I need more connection, I need more focus, I need more passion, I need more sex. I need to burn burn burn, I need to release my fierceness in a constructive way. I don't know what I need. I need, I NEED. I feel like digging my fingers into my chest and ripping the suit called my body off to go free.
Have I been turned down, tuned out to myself, muted? I remember this fire now, but I'd forgotten it. I thought that it was transmuted into something 'better,' something more holy and useful and mature. I thought I'd outgrown it. I thought it was the product of anger. Now I realize it is the force of my self when I run free. I've forgotten how! If I ever knew, if there was ever a time when neither I nor anyone else tried to put me in safe boundaries and make me useful. God/dess! Who is this person? How do I shift into living this fire instead of staring at it, sure that if I do live it, I'll start scaring people again? Even though that seems a fair trade.
And this fire seems to have ignited my sex drive -- I have not been this lusty EVER IN MY LIFE. It's kinda driving me mad. And by kinda I mean definitely. I'm finding it difficult to think about anything else! AGH! I actually feel flashes of desire for RANDOM STRANGERS and that has NEVER happened to me before. And though I'm tempted to daydream about recent experiences, I've found that it just makes me more and more frustrated. I do hope that none of my coworkers are thought-hearers because my mental shrieks of "I WANT SEX DAMMIT" might be a little annoying as that happens at LEAST once a day. Oh, and self-pleasuring just makes it worse. I don't just want an orgasm, I want to fuck. I want to press my whole self against someone else and feel my fire reflected, and reflect theirs. I want to taste and touch and listen and moan, to evoke and react, to explore and unfold, to clutch and be gripped, to bite and be bitten. OHGODIWANTSEX.
And then of course there's my collection of inappropriate and/or inconvenient crushes. I was talking to Ace about this, complaining that probably there aren't possibilities with any of them, and Ace said, "just ask! what's the worst that could happen?" which always sounded like a stupid question (because usually the answer is REALLY BAD SHIT) until just then, because the worst isn't even bad really, so now I'm just trying to screw my courage to the sticking point. Why am I such a wimp when it comes to crushes? omfg it's bad. This is why I've never asked anyone out :-p