I feel like uncontrolled joy is destructive -- why, I've no idea.
Philosophically, in Traditional Chinese Medicine, too much joy that is uncontained is as destructive as too much anger, grief, or any of the other emotions. It needs to be experienced in moderation. This doesn't mean it needs to be experienced in an inhibited way all the time; but that if it were experienced all the time, people would get physically ill. There are actual physical illnesses and symptoms in the TCM system connected to excessive and uncontrolled joy bursting along our energy meridians.
I think part of me is afraid that if I ever fully open up again, more horrible stuff will come out and I'll fall apart again. And that's not an irrational fear, because I know there is stuff I still haven't dealt with. I know I could handle it much better now, but what if it's so much bigger that it ends up overshadowing my new strength? What if I become useless again? Worse, what if in my breakdown I become scary and untrustworthy to whoever witnesses it?
These are natural, and normal fears for all people who have problems connecting with their emotions. Therapy can help with this, but learning more about connecting to all emotions in the same way you seek joy will help as well. One of the reasons you were - I think - so flooded in your experience with reliving your past, was probably that you were so unaccustomed to dealing with an intense connection to an emotion on that level. (Or emotions).
The only way to learn how to deal with that, is through; not around or under or over. It is through the experiences. It's through the journey of trusting in yourself and your ability to experience those emotions as you are ready to. It's not easy, but it's much easier if you don't force it.
Even a post like this shows just how much closer you are to it, than you were in the past.
Also - you probably know this already - but it's natural for those who have been abused to shut down all abandoned states, for fear of being hurt in that state of abandonment. It's not a logical or a rational fear, it goes deep deep down into the psyche, and can not be 'rationalised out' easily, or even at all.
Body therapy, and body work / somatic therapies might be really really good for you.
Philosophically, in Traditional Chinese Medicine, too much joy that is uncontained is as destructive as too much anger, grief, or any of the other emotions. It needs to be experienced in moderation. This doesn't mean it needs to be experienced in an inhibited way all the time; but that if it were experienced all the time, people would get physically ill. There are actual physical illnesses and symptoms in the TCM system connected to excessive and uncontrolled joy bursting along our energy meridians.
I think part of me is afraid that if I ever fully open up again, more horrible stuff will come out and I'll fall apart again. And that's not an irrational fear, because I know there is stuff I still haven't dealt with. I know I could handle it much better now, but what if it's so much bigger that it ends up overshadowing my new strength? What if I become useless again? Worse, what if in my breakdown I become scary and untrustworthy to whoever witnesses it?
These are natural, and normal fears for all people who have problems connecting with their emotions. Therapy can help with this, but learning more about connecting to all emotions in the same way you seek joy will help as well. One of the reasons you were - I think - so flooded in your experience with reliving your past, was probably that you were so unaccustomed to dealing with an intense connection to an emotion on that level. (Or emotions).
The only way to learn how to deal with that, is through; not around or under or over. It is through the experiences. It's through the journey of trusting in yourself and your ability to experience those emotions as you are ready to. It's not easy, but it's much easier if you don't force it.
Even a post like this shows just how much closer you are to it, than you were in the past.
Also - you probably know this already - but it's natural for those who have been abused to shut down all abandoned states, for fear of being hurt in that state of abandonment. It's not a logical or a rational fear, it goes deep deep down into the psyche, and can not be 'rationalised out' easily, or even at all.
Body therapy, and body work / somatic therapies might be really really good for you.
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*hugs*
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