realizing that I'm afraid of joy; I feel as if too much will devastate me
I've been listening to this podcast about an orgasm-based community and it's set me to thinking about how I experience pleasure. I've realized that when it comes to intense pleasure or joy of any kind, I cannot relax, cannot let the full measure of the experience in. I mentioned this last year after I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve and felt the heartbeat of the forest -- after the first rush of joy, I shut it off. And I do that every time I REALLY want to connect and have the chance to. Even if it's just connecting with my own spirit through orgasm; I can't seem to relax into it -- it's like I feel a short burst of it and then make it stop before it can radiate through my body or my being. I've experienced a relaxed orgasm once or twice and it's the difference between night and day, but relaxing into it seems terrifying; I've not been able to do it consciously yet. It's frustrating. And it's been bothering me lately that when I'm in Ben's presence, I know the connection is there and every bit as intense as before, but I can't feel it continually. It takes me so long to open up to it now, because it's increased in intensity to the point where I close off preemptively. Just eye contact with Ben is a more intense joy and connection than any I've ever felt, and it's MORE every time. At times of less intensity (like when we're sitting next to each other but talking to other people) I can be fully open to it, but if we're focused on each other I shut down right away (then slowly the connection opens me up again).
Why would someone who chases joy and connection as I do shut it out when it gets really intense? When I asked myself this, the first thing that came to mind was my first time having consensual intercourse; I think that was the last time I was fully open to connecting (with anyone or anything). I had a really horrible flashback to childhood sexual abuse, ended up shaking and crying, and it caused damage to my sexual relationship with my ex that took years to overcome -- not to mention opening up memories that led to me spending years in terrible fear and pain. I think part of me is afraid that if I ever fully open up again, more horrible stuff will come out and I'll fall apart again. And that's not an irrational fear, because I know there is stuff I still haven't dealt with. I know I could handle it much better now, but what if it's so much bigger that it ends up overshadowing my new strength? What if I become useless again? Worse, what if in my breakdown I become scary and untrustworthy to whoever witnesses it? There's another aspect too -- what if the joy itself is too much for me? what if I disintegrate and cease being a person? I feel like uncontrolled joy is destructive -- why, I've no idea.
This is a new realization for me because it's new for me to have the chance to experience connection at this intensity and this often. It's amazing (and amusing) to me to discover new ways to grow in areas where I thought I pretty much 'got it.'
I want to get into therapy again because I feel like I'm starting to climb a really steep hill. I can do it on my own, but the proper gear and rope would really help. Also, I think shutting down when faced with intense joy is just a symptom of a problem which affects me in other areas, and I want to get to the core of the matter. For now I'm just going to remind myself to be open and push past my fear as best I can, and maybe in the process convince my subconscious that I'm not going to be destroyed by too much joy. And I may try (solo) orgasmic meditation, consciously relaxing. I'm definitely going to be more aware of my openness (or lack thereof) and focus on consciously opening my heart.
Knight Of Wands -- Au Revoir Simone
Oh, joy, I can see you
Oh, joy, I can see you
it's all I want
it's all I want
seeing changes everything