complete mutual openness with Ben, intoxicating intensity / moving in with Ash
I find it so difficult to express what it's like to be with Ben, but it's almost all I want to talk about! It's so inCREDIBLE. I've been practicing openness as a focus of my life for about five years, and had it as a mutual focus in most of my relationships, so I thought I knew what openness felt like. Now I'm realizing that I'd only had little tastes: flashes or moments of complete mutual openness. My ex-partner and I had rare moments of it in sex or in prayer; Hannah and I had short stretches of it when we were both in happy, healthy places; Aurilion and I sort of had it when we focused on it, but it was shallower because ze simply didn't know much of zirself and therefore couldn't share much; Viv and I had it for those first two days when we met and have had moments of it since then; but I've NEVER experienced it in this sustained way. Every single second we touch or look at each other, we're connected intensely, completely, and it builds and builds to where I feel like I'm going to faint or cry because it's almost too much. I feel my own feelings and the reflections of zir feelings, so it's like I experience it twice at once! And for once it's not a struggle to have faith in the connection, because it IS sustained and while I can doubt a moment or a flash, I can't doubt hours on end. It's just so unequivocally THERE. And not only does it build while we're spending time together, but it feels like each time we see each other, it's stronger.
in perfect stillness
we flow into each other;
there's no space between
I'm so utterly wide-eyed in wonder over this... and thinking, if those little moments I'd had before created such ripples in my life, what is this doing and what is it going to do?
And... oh my God/dess, it's so absolutely heady, deliriously intoxicating, fucking INTENSE. Last night we went out for dinner and coffee followed by cuddling and kissing... and there were moments where eye contact was enough to make me gasp. Just EYE CONTACT felt more intimate than anything I've ever experienced, and as erotic as any touch. Yes, ANY. I didn't think that was possible and I certainly didn't think that I'd ever be that 'oversensitive' but there you go.
---
In other news, Ash was quite offended at being put in a bulleted post that included a complaint about my ex and demanded zir own post but I don't respond well to demands so you get put in a Ben post, howd'yalikethatASH??? But I'm actually moving in with zir! Tomorrow the books 'n' furniture are going and then I'm going to collect the bits and pieces and then, and THEN, I'm going to have MY OWN SPACE for the first time in almost 6 years!!! I cannnnnnnot wait! And I'm pretty excited about having Ash as a flatmate too, because ze's my kin (not blood-kin but kin in the way that matters) and I think that it's going to be lovely to bond more with zir. And I think we'll work well as flatmates because we enjoy sharing but also are pretty good at recognizing our boundaries and communicating them. And our flat is so beautiful and peaceful -- and when I walked into my room at 6pm, I fell to my knees in delight because it was SO FULL OF LIGHT. But I refuse to take share any photos until I have my new room all set up :-p