developments with my (ex-)partner B -- stepping outside zir comfort zone to learn and grow
Yesterday my partner B ( who is not actually my partner anymore) went with me to the Thursday night pagan meeting (which is actually a meeting for queer pagans, but queerness isn't usually the focus). This is shocking for many reasons. Firstly, B has always been very antisocial. I mean, other than one skeet shooting trip, a few paintball excursions, and the occasional Axis & Allies marathon, ze has NEVER attended anything that included socializing except under extreme duress and usually as part of an exchange. But recently we've been talking about how ze hasn't put effort into getting to know zirself or me -- how ze has said ze wants to learn how to be open and expressive but hasn't actually made any effort to do so (saying that every step is too big, so taking none). Ze said ze was going to change that. So Thursday I invited zir along, and with no coaxing on my part ze decided to go. Now in all the time I've known B -- eighteen years -- ze has NEVER willingly gone to ANYTHING social. And this wasn't just partly social but exclusively social, with no competition involved, and not just that, but ALSO about spiritual topics (which B has been very private about in the past). So this was already far outside B's comfort zone -- and ze actually participated in the conversation! Not just commenting on what others said but also sharing zir own thoughts and feelings! With people ze didn't know! That really surprised and impressed me.
Later we talked a little bit about it and ze said ze wants to continue doing things like that with me -- stepping outside of zir comfort zone and exploring things that interest me, and things that both interest and scare zir. (like being more open and 'out' -- ze actually agreed to having a talk with zir parents about polyamory and queerness, though I haven't checked back to see if that's still true after ze's had time to think more about it. I think if it's discussed openly that'll take away some of the fear of disapproval -- even if they disapprove, ze'll know how much, and I don't think it'll be as bad as ze thinks it will) I'm not sure what to think of this change, because it's so sudden and HUGE, but if it lasts as it continues I think it will be a whole new kind of relationship. Ze said that ze wants to develop a friendship with me and maybe become lovers eventually. I found that a little surprising too, because I hadn't considered us quite so... ended, but that seems to be an honest view of it.
It feels like B has let go of me in a partnership way, which feels delightfully freeing, and even though everything is STILLLLLLLLLLL tangled and unsure (are we going to stay legally married or go through the hassle/expense of a divorce? when/how are we going to arrange separate living?) and this is really brand new, I'm enjoying it so far. And I feel like being lovers-not-partners is absolutely the best choice now.