I can see both the inherent challenge and reward in having a poly situation. I've experienced an "open" relationship before willingly and soon after regretted the decision to do so. I didn't recognize that my urge to have multiple partners at once was essentially a band aid to my wounded relationship. Being in a triad situation was a way to repress the problems occurring with my gf and myself at the time. Presently, that lifestyle is no longer in my realm of thinking or will ever be again although I pose no opposition for anyone else who chooses to follow that path.
Instead of addressing the problem at hand, I covered it up and pretended that I felt connected to this "beautiful, open situation".
Your case seems different. You seem to be assured in the reasoning behind your desire to expand the spiritual plane of your bed to include someone else. On the surface it doesn't seem as if you want to make this progression just for exasperation, experimentation,etc purposes. I'm glad that you're able to identify those concerns and I'm even more glad that you've chosen to be completely honest with Ben and yourself regarding it.
I do agree that when you share part of yourself and your body with someone that you are, in fact, giving them access to a piece of your soul in the process, so choosing the right partner is vital in these circumstances. The roadblock you're running into with Ben is truly a sticky issue. It's difficult to deny yourself something in the face of wanting to respect your current partner's feelings. And I'm sure not having his complete support would ruin any experience that you may encounter with another partner if you choose to see this through on your own terms.
But it is your life. Your body. Your heart. And your soul. And you should have the right to do with all of them as you please. What would happen in the event that you moved forward with your desire without having Ben's full support? Now is the time to consider questions like that and factor in its importance to you. In the greater scheme of things, do you think the risk is worthwhile? Furthermore, wouldn't continuing to deny yourself be a deprivation of sorts?
Does Ben understand that ultimately a third person would face the same challenges as any other group who engages in non-traditional relationship arrangements to begin with? Yet that scrutiny doesn't put a stop to the growth of non-traditional relationships in our society in the least. And as far as society's views on it goes, they'll probably never understand that poly relationships are not the equivalent of a deceitful affair.
A relationship like the one you're seeking takes a lot of communication and work and you have effectively followed that path as far as I see. Whatever decision you choose to make, and I'm certain it won't be easy, should be made with both your heart, body, mind and spirit. I'm SO against people denying themselves what the aforementioned functions ultimately desire.
And personally, I'm sorry that this has caused you any degree of frustration on your part. I've only known you for a brief amount of time, but within that time you've shown me a person who is honest, supportive, dedicated, free in thought/mind/body/spirit, and has a potential in life that is so powerful it can ultimately stand to change the life of yourself and others around you in a positive manner for years to come. Love is a gift, never an expectation, and expecting someone to never share part of that love with someone else is like asking them to deny who they really are.
I wish you luck with this most delicate of issues.
your first two paragraphs made me say, 'oh no' but I read on and was relieved. ;-)
I don't think I could be with someone else if I wasn't sure that Ben was okay with it, so I'd either wait until he was okay with it, or break up with him. The more we talk about it the more comfortable he seems, and I think that if I were to find a person whom I really wanted to be with, he would be okay with it, because we have very similar taste in people, usually. And I do trust his judgment, to an extent -- if he was very against me being with someone, it would give me serious pause. Right now it's all theory, but somehow working through this theoretical stuff seems to be helping us strengthen our relationship a lot. I really wish he'd put his thoughts into text and let me share them, because I feel like I can't do justice to his point of view, and I really respect his way of thinking on this.
That last paragraph brought tears to my eyes each of the several times I've read it ♥ Thank you so much Dee, this comment meant so very much to me *many many hugs* Thank you ♥
Instead of addressing the problem at hand, I covered it up and pretended that I felt connected to this "beautiful, open situation".
Your case seems different. You seem to be assured in the reasoning behind your desire to expand the spiritual plane of your bed to include someone else. On the surface it doesn't seem as if you want to make this progression just for exasperation, experimentation,etc purposes. I'm glad that you're able to identify those concerns and I'm even more glad that you've chosen to be completely honest with Ben and yourself regarding it.
I do agree that when you share part of yourself and your body with someone that you are, in fact, giving them access to a piece of your soul in the process, so choosing the right partner is vital in these circumstances. The roadblock you're running into with Ben is truly a sticky issue. It's difficult to deny yourself something in the face of wanting to respect your current partner's feelings. And I'm sure not having his complete support would ruin any experience that you may encounter with another partner if you choose to see this through on your own terms.
But it is your life. Your body. Your heart. And your soul. And you should have the right to do with all of them as you please. What would happen in the event that you moved forward with your desire without having Ben's full support? Now is the time to consider questions like that and factor in its importance to you. In the greater scheme of things, do you think the risk is worthwhile? Furthermore, wouldn't continuing to deny yourself be a deprivation of sorts?
Does Ben understand that ultimately a third person would face the same challenges as any other group who engages in non-traditional relationship arrangements to begin with? Yet that scrutiny doesn't put a stop to the growth of non-traditional relationships in our society in the least. And as far as society's views on it goes, they'll probably never understand that poly relationships are not the equivalent of a deceitful affair.
A relationship like the one you're seeking takes a lot of communication and work and you have effectively followed that path as far as I see. Whatever decision you choose to make, and I'm certain it won't be easy, should be made with both your heart, body, mind and spirit. I'm SO against people denying themselves what the aforementioned functions ultimately desire.
And personally, I'm sorry that this has caused you any degree of frustration on your part. I've only known you for a brief amount of time, but within that time you've shown me a person who is honest, supportive, dedicated, free in thought/mind/body/spirit, and has a potential in life that is so powerful it can ultimately stand to change the life of yourself and others around you in a positive manner for years to come. Love is a gift, never an expectation, and expecting someone to never share part of that love with someone else is like asking them to deny who they really are.
I wish you luck with this most delicate of issues.
Take care.
Reply
I don't think I could be with someone else if I wasn't sure that Ben was okay with it, so I'd either wait until he was okay with it, or break up with him. The more we talk about it the more comfortable he seems, and I think that if I were to find a person whom I really wanted to be with, he would be okay with it, because we have very similar taste in people, usually. And I do trust his judgment, to an extent -- if he was very against me being with someone, it would give me serious pause. Right now it's all theory, but somehow working through this theoretical stuff seems to be helping us strengthen our relationship a lot. I really wish he'd put his thoughts into text and let me share them, because I feel like I can't do justice to his point of view, and I really respect his way of thinking on this.
That last paragraph brought tears to my eyes each of the several times I've read it ♥ Thank you so much Dee, this comment meant so very much to me *many many hugs* Thank you ♥
Reply
Leave a comment