concept of sex as a spiritual exchange, polyamory
disclaimer: this is true FOR ME: I'm not saying it is universal truth.
Note: I've changed my philosophies since this post
I'm polyamorous; that has different meanings for different people, so I will define it for me. To me, polyamory is a philosophy that involves being open to more than one committed, sexual relationship. For me, it does not include casual sex, though it may include sex with deep friends who are not romantically involved with me (that is an aspect I am undecided on, for now).
I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human expression of emotional and spiritual intimacy. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange. I do think that over time, your given-away-parts come back to you (and you can do spiritual work to make them come back faster), but it takes a while -- the length of time depends on how many times you had sex with them, and how intense each experience was. For this reason I believe casual sex is very unhealthy, because you're accepting parts of people who may be bad for you, and you're giving away a part of you that they may not be worthy of. I define casual sex as: sex with people whom you do not know well and/or do not love. I feel that you need to know them in order to judge if they are good for you, and you need to love them because sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. So I would only have sex with someone I mutually knew well, loved, and was reasonably sure that they'd be in my life for a long time (in order to keep the parts of my spirit in my life until such time as I wanted to call them back). And for now, at least, they'd also have to be soulfriends with me, because I would need to have that level of intimacy and trust. There are many many people I find attractive, but even though they might make me flush or make my heart beat fast, if they don't also stir my spirit, I don't want to have sex with them.
So why would I want more than one partner? Partly, for balance -- I feel like (for ME) a two-person relationship is wobbly -- like if you had two pegs connected by a wire, they'd be pretty easily pushed over. But if you have three pegs, connected in a triangle, it's not as easy for them to fall. As the Bible says (haha!) "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Because in a relationship of two, if one person is weakened, the other has no support -- in a relationship of three, it is far more likely that there will be at least one person strong enough to support at any given time. But even though a triad would be my 'ideal' relationship shape, I'm open to a 'V,' where I have two partners who are not involved with each other (as long as they were open to attempting soulfriendship with each other). Or other configurations, of course.
Another reason is simply the fact that I've never so much as held hands with anyone except my partner. (not to mention kissing!) And I didn't know my own sexuality until years after I married my partner, so I never explored that either. I know that if I had learned it earlier, I would probably have thought myself a lesbian, because my partner's the only man I've ever met that I would marry, I'm pretty sure. I don't regret it one tiny bit -- I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't followed the path I did -- but experiencing a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman is something that is very important to me. Also, I do not like the concept of restricting myself romantically/sexually to one person, because it makes me feel 'owned' -- I know this is not something everyone feels, but it's true for me. I want to decide based on what is right for me (I feel that what is truly right for the individual is right for the group). And I think that I would grow immensely from a second sexually intimate relationship, because she would share the experience of being a woman and we would connect in a totally different way, and because it would involve challenging the accepted paradigms. Most of all, there is a place in my heart that is waiting for her. ♥ (I'm not completely closed to the idea of another man in my life, but I don't actively desire it)
This is something I have been thinking on ever since I realized that I am sexually attracted to women. It was an underlying stress in my marriage -- my partner and I talked about it many times, and he expressed mild dislike of the idea, and I believed he was the one to make that decision, so I yielded. I shouldn't have, because his mild discomfort should not be enough to squash something so important to me (it was totally not his fault in this case, I chose to believe that way). When we took a new look at our relationship, considering whether it was good to continue or not, I realized that was something I was no longer willing to sacrifice, and I said so. I told him that I would not embark on anything without asking for his thoughts/feelings, but though I would consider his opinion when making my decision, ultimately it would be my choice, and wouldn't necessarily agree with his input. He agreed, said he was comfortable with that. His main concern was that in a triad, a third person might be treated as 'lesser' by society in general and relatives in particular and he would hate to be partly responsible for that. And since I'm not dead set on a triad that's not too much of a concern.
Though I realize this may seem like 'oh, I'm tired of this relationship, lemme get a new one,' it isn't. This is something that has been growing in me for a long time, and is now blossoming through questioning everything. Even if my partner and I were at a point of near-perfection in our relationship (and I would consider our relationship the best it has ever been, right now), this is something I would begin pursuing now. Part of the reason I haven't been sure about this before is I didn't know if I was ready, if I could give my heart completely to more than one person, or handle the possibility of losing it after I had given it. But over the past year, I've developed my soulfriendship with Hannah and developed more deep friendships than I have ever had at one time before, which taught me that I can handle more than one intense relationship. I also lost several people who meant a lot to me, and from that I learned that I can handle giving my heart and having it broken, and I can heal pretty fast, because I have so many loving people in my life. ♥ I'm not afraid of a broken heart, and know I can give my full self to more than one person, so I am ready.
If you read the whole thing, you get 8 vivid violet stars!
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