deep confusion/stress/pain/worry/hopelessness about marriage/finances/direction
"I am human and I need to be loved" -- that line rings so resoundingly true in my spirit.
I am so confusedconflictedfrustrateddesperate... I broke down today. I'm ashamed of it because I like to be in control and I definitely wasn't. I worked half the day, went home on lunch and had an argument with Ben -- apparently I was too fragile for that because I just could not stop crying, feeling on the verge of vomiting the whole time. I cried all the way to the time clock and finally managed to get myself under control when I went up to the CSM -- who saw my face and asked if I was okay. Of course I said no, and she told me I could leave because it was really slow, so I did (after 30 minutes on gathering trash). And of course I felt terribly guilty because we need the money, but also defiant because Ben had said that he wanted me to go home, so I was going to take him at his word whether he meant it or not. (he probably did, but my guilt told me otherwise)
The bad thing about having your body and soul reconnecting is that all of the soul issues affect your body directly. I have had an upset stomach for weeks, which is horrible for me because I almost NEVER get sick in any way. And every time I start thinking about the strain in my marriage, or the stress of finances, I get nauseated. We recently applied for a loan -- denied, applied for a credit card -- denied. (We're going to try a few more, but...) In the past month we've spent more than $1,000 on the car (a fucking fat sum for us), which we didn't expect to spend. Right now we have like $30 to take us to next Thursday. And we're supposed to pay the phone bill today but that's not going to happen.
And we have no safety net. That was the intention, and several times we have built up some savings but something has always happened... I am so sick of this. We're supposedly getting ahead now (and we'd be comfortably ahead if not for the car, although I suppose we really ought to be grateful that nothing bad happened until we actually had the money to fix it)... but it is hard to see ahead. And while I enjoy working, deep down I resent having to work. I want to be taken care of. There, I said it. I admitted that I'd rather not pull an equal share. That I don't want to support us. I've always had to work for my room and board, ever since I was 6 years old, and I am fucking sick of it. I know I am ridiculously overprivileged to be even partially taken care of, but I want what I want and I'm tired of hiding it. And I'll probably bite your head off if you criticize me for it, so please don't.
And I don't know where I am going, spiritually. I felt sure that I was supposed to be aiming for a trip to Belgium, that it would benefit Hannah and I immensely to be able to spend time with each other in person, but obviously if we can't get the money then I can't go. But I neeeed to go... at least I feel like I do. But how do I know what to do? I have decided to be somewhat pro-active and email all the prayer warriors that I know and ask beg them to pray that I can go, or at least that God would give me clear direction about it, and the means to do whatever he wants me to do.
Hmph. Not a great way to start the year.
BUT -- I have to say that Ben has been trying so hard -- this breakdown was because of smothered previous pain, not anything new really. He's been amazing. There's no one else who would put up with my shit like he does, and try so hard to make me happy.