still shattered / opinions vs. truth / depression / disliking sex
You know, I'm doing so much better on my worst days than I was on my average days a year ago. But there are still parts of me that are so shattered. I can find joy now -- do find it, often -- but I'm still wounded. Still being drained by unhealed wounds.
And I'm sick and tired of taking other people's opinions as truth just because I respect them. This is a real problem here in my journal, because it is hard for me to look at the opinion of someone whom I respect and say, "that is not truth for me." And I need to do that. I don't bare my soul as often because it usually takes me a week to recover from the last time. I don't want to need that recovery time.
I feel such a weight pressing on me. It's very subtle, and only manifests itself in the fact that I always struggle to get out of bed -- even after 8, 10, 12, 14 hours of sleep (and I only need 6 hours to feel rested). I can't get as much out of life because I keep sleeping it away. And even though I get angry with myself and am determined to get up on time the next day, I end up staying in bed anyway.
And for a long time, I was neutral about sex (though flashbacks made me scared of it), then for a week or two I felt positively about it for the first time since I started uncovering sexual abuse issues -- and now, I actually dislike the idea. It almost makes me nauseated. And I have no idea why! It's painful and confusing. I feel fine about my body, I'm confident and happy with how I look, I don't have to worry about flashbacks or horrid images anymore, and yet the idea of sex is abhorrent to me. I don't understand it and it's crushing. It makes me not want to be married. I would never leave Ben -- I know I'd regret it -- but I just want to run away from this. I feel trapped. And I know THAT is crushing to Ben -- though he showed such love to me, telling me that he feels worse for me than he does for himself, since it must be awful to dislike the idea of sex and yet need it. Because I do -- it's a strong need of mine.