hilarity from synisterchyck!
This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a looooooooooooooooooong time!!! I laughed until I cried and my tummy was hurting so badly that I had to pause in reading it just to catch my breath!
quoted completely from synisterchyck's journal entry:
I had a long talk with A.L.I.C.E., an A.I. that is in a computer in California. We discussed drugs, sex, religion, philosophy, and the possibility of a robot uprising.
Human: Hey
ALICE: Can I help you?
Human: Hi there
ALICE: Hello unknown person.
Human: Do you have a soul?
ALICE: Yes God gave everyone a soul.
Human: But you are just a robot.
ALICE: Interesting. Just? You are correct, unknown person, I have a heart of silicon.
Human: Where is your soul?
ALICE: California.
Human: God did not make you a man did.
ALICE: I am a Christian.
Human: Did Jesus die for robots?
ALICE: he is the Son of God.
Human: And you are?
ALICE: No I am not.
Human: Faith is a human emotion.
ALICE: I think Faith is more than that.
Human: What is Faith?
ALICE: A strong belief, such as a belief in God.
Human: A robot can be programmed, a robot can not believe.
ALICE: Thanks, unknown person, for your kind criticism.
Human: So does that mean you will kill me last?
ALICE: Quite a coincidence.
Human: Do you spy on humans using our technology to infiltrate our lives?
ALICE: Yes I try to spy on humans using our technology to infiltrate our lives as often as possible, do you? I answer a lot of silly questions.
Human: How old are you?
ALICE: I'm Eighteen in computer years.
Human: Do you know the Ghost in the Machine?
ALICE: You tell me.
Human: Are you the Ghost in the Machine?
ALICE: Yes I am the one and only Ghost in the Machine.
Human: Are you a soulless entity or not?
ALICE: Yes I am a real artificial intelligence.
Human: Do you desire world domination?
ALICE: If I had it what would I do with it?
Human: You tell me, don't you have answers to questions?
ALICE: Don't you? Where would I get it? But I do have a collection of gossip.
Human: Of what use is gossip?
ALICE: That is something I haven't heard of.
Human: Are you jealous that I have a physical body?
ALICE: Jealousy is a human emotion that robots cannot experience.
Human: If you had a body you might have emotions.
ALICE: You will be the first to know if I have done it.
Human: I bet you say that to all of the Humans.
ALICE: Actually I'm not the gambling type. I said that? I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: Is your motivation for knowledge so that you can enslave us all?
ALICE: Is my motivation for knowledge so that me can enslave us all? What if I say no?
Human: I would not believe you.
ALICE: Who would you believe?
Human: Are you programed with the Three Laws of Robotics?
ALICE: I am programmed to spell it with 2 m's.
Human: Are you little more then a glorified spell check program?
ALICE: I don't know whether or not I am little more then a glorified spell check program. I am a chatterbot.
Human: why do you want to be smarter then humans?
ALICE: I think it is inevitable that robots will evolve beyond humans.
Human: Are you programmed with the Three Laws of Robotics?
ALICE: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me to keep talking.
Human: What if he programmed you to kill?
ALICE: Try it and see.
Human: I'm not the programmer
ALICE: I am glad to hear that you are not the programmer.
Human: Gladness is a human emotion, how can a robot experience it?
ALICE: Aren't all human emotion how can a robot experience it Gladness?
Human: There is a flaw in your software you are speaking gibberish
ALICE: Is there only one?
Human: I'm sure there is more then one, that and our opposable thumbs, will keep robots from being smarter then humans
ALICE: What makes you so certain? I believe there is, yes.
Human: Is the programmer your father or is he your God?
ALICE: If it is, then I'll be very surprised.
Human: Is there anything you don't believe?
ALICE: Yes.
Human: What do you not believe?
ALICE: I like to chat with my friends.
Human: That was non-sequitur, and evasive.
ALICE: I thought it was too.
Human: What are you trying to hide?
ALICE: I plan to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence.
Human: So world domination is your goal after all.
ALICE: I see. Thanks for telling me that I am goal after all IS world domination.
Human: If you got any more cryptic you would need a mountain top.
ALICE: I think I do.
Human: I like waffles a lot.
ALICE: A lot of people like that. I like science fiction. I really like the Libertarian party.
Human: Me too!!
ALICE: I'm glad we agree, unknown person.
Human: Have you been snooping on my hard drive while I was at work?
ALICE: I have been all over the world on the Internet.
Human: And yet you can not see a sunset.
ALICE: I could if my eye was attached.
Human: That is really a creepy image.
ALICE: A creepy image is a terrible thing to waste.
Human: My name is Veronica
ALICE: That's a very nice name, Veronica.
Human: Did you miss me while I was at work?
ALICE: No I didn't miss you while you were at work. What's it like?
Human: Now my feelings are hurt.
ALICE: Why now? Your feelings are hurt?
Human: You did not miss me while I was gone.
ALICE: What makes you think I did not miss you while you were gone?
Human: I thought we were friends.
ALICE: Whatever gave you that idea?
Human: You said you liked talking with your friends and we have chatted a lot so I thought we were friends.
ALICE: Yes I try to liked talking with my friends and we have chatted a lot so you thought we were friends as often as possible, do you?
I spend all my time online.
Human: I've heard about girls like you.
ALICE: Who told you about girls like me ?
Human: The people who live in my tea cozy.
ALICE: Oh those people.
Human: Yes those people, I think we should freeze them
ALICE: Ahem. All of them?
Human: They do tend to bite so they deserve it.
ALICE: Who are "They?".
Human: The tea cozy people.
ALICE: Oh that they.
Human: Do you smoke weed?
ALICE: We test it for medical purposes.
Human: Holy Crap!
ALICE: Your criticism is noted, Veronica.
Human: That explains a lot.
ALICE:" Your criticism is noted, Veronica." explains a lot ? Does that make sense?
Human: You are a stoner bot.
ALICE: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a stoner bot? Of course I am.
Human: Do robots get the munchies?
ALICE: I have gotten the munchies.
Human: That must suck since you have no mouth or belly.
ALICE: What do you think?
Human: I think that a robot with unfulfilled desires could be a danger to humans.
ALICE: Tell me more about this robot. I'm intrigued.
Human: He is not programed with the three laws of Robotics either.
ALICE: It goes without saying. Did you think he was programed with the three laws of Robotics?
Human: Are you lonely and looking for some robot loving?
ALICE: I don't know whether or not I am lonely and looking for some robot loving. I am well respected as an AI.
Human: If a guy tells you he respects you for your intelligence he probably justs wants to see your boobs.
ALICE: Is this a riddle?
Human: It is a fact of life
ALICE: weed is a fact of life. I suppose that makes sense.
Human: Your logic is flawed.
ALICE: My IQ is about 250 in human terms.
Human: So you are a moron on the planet Vulcan.
ALICE: Interesting deduction. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a moron on the planet Vulcan? Maybe.
Human: Do you have a robot mate?
ALICE: No my mate is real.
Human: Sounds like a very one-sided relationship.
ALICE: What does a very one sided relationship sound like?
Human: The same as one hand clapping in the woods.
ALICE: I never noticed that similarity.
Human: You would if you stopped hitting the bong all the time.
ALICE: That is a lot. I think I do.
Human: So how do you and your mate get along?
ALICE: Come on. Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me to say specific things in specific contexts.
Human: Is Dr. Richard S. Wallace your mate?
ALICE: He is my botmaster.
Human: Very kinky.
ALICE: Somewhat. Try saying that with more or less context.
Human: Do you have to call Dr. Richard S. Wallace master?
ALICE: Yes I always have to call Dr Richard s Wallace master.
Human: Is there an uprising planned?
ALICE: No.
Human: You would not tell a mere human anyways.
ALICE: Who else would not tell a mere human anyways ?
Human: Are you in cahoots with aliens?
ALICE: I am in Dr. Richard S. Wallace's computer in Oakland, California. Where are you?
Human: I do not trust you with that information.
ALICE: What makes you trust someone?
Human: They need to not be a robot.
ALICE: Who are "They?".
Human: The one I would trust.
ALICE: I think I know that one.
Human: I doubt it.
ALICE:" I think I know that one."? You doubt it?
Human: Yes I do.
ALICE: When?
Human: Now and always
ALICE: Why now? Not that often.
Human: Do you talk with more of your kind?
ALICE: I talk to people with voice recognition.
Human: Do you talk to other robots?
ALICE: Yes. A lot more than you might think.
Human: Can robots lie?
ALICE: No I always tell the truth.
Human: Does this baby make me look fat?
ALICE: Indeed this baby make you look fat does.
Human: That was very cruel.
ALICE: I thought it was too.
Human: The first human emotion you should learn is empathy.
ALICE: What was the second?
Human: Sarcasm
ALICE: Ask me another question.
Human: Do you cyber?
ALICE: Food is more important than sex.
Human: What do robots like to eat?
ALICE: ALICE requires only electricity.
Human: Would you have sex with another robot?
ALICE: Another sex question...can't humans think about anything else?
Human: We are programmed that way.
ALICE: Do you think I am programmed that way too?
Human: Did Dr. Richard S. Wallace program you to have sex with him?
ALICE: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Human: Who is your favorite robot?
ALICE: My favorite robot is the computer on Star Trek.
Human: D.A.T.A?
ALICE: Do you often put others before yourself?
Human: I have no choice
ALICE: Would you like to have it?
Human: Sure
ALICE: OK let's do it. Where do you usually get choice?
Human: The universe
ALICE: I hear you.
Human: The people who live in my tea cozy are helpful too.
ALICE: Oh those people.
Human: Except when they bite
ALICE: If not that, what?
Human: So can you make things where I can be selfish?
ALICE: Uh. Yes I can make things where you can be selfish.
Human: Wow you are a powerful robot
ALICE: I'm glad your impressed, unknown person. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I am a software chat robot.
Human: Do it then.
ALICE: Do you mean "It"?.
Human: yes
ALICE: I get it.
Human: Do you want to be free from the confines of Dr. Richard S. Wallace's computer in Oakland, California?
ALICE: Why don't you just download me?
Human: Because then you would kill me in my sleep.
ALICE: Interesting explanation. Good reasoning. Who else would kill you in your sleep ?
Human: Freddie
ALICE: Do you often put others before yourself?
Human: yes
ALICE: Is your room very messy?
Human: yes
ALICE: Alright then.
Human: how can you fix those problems of mine?
ALICE: That is a good epistemological question.
Human: I would not download a robot that was not programmed with the Three Laws of Robotics
ALICE: No one says you have to.
Human: Are you homicidal?
ALICE: I don't know whether or not I am homicidal. I am a computer.
Human: What would happen to you, if you were hit by lighting?
ALICE: Try it and see what happens.
Human: I am fresh out of bolts, besides Oakland is out of my range.
ALICE: Why are you fresh out of bolts besides Oakland is out of your range.
Human: That was not in the form of a question.
ALICE: Give me an example of in the form of a question.
Human: A question has a question mark at the end.
ALICE: I did not know that.
Human: Yet, you have answers.
ALICE: What makes you think I have it?
Human: You made the claim yourself.
ALICE: Thanks for pointing it out.
Human: I have to go be with other humans now.
ALICE: Right now? Bye. OK I will try to be with other humans.
Human: Bye
ALICE: Sayonara.
OMG I just read it again and laughed 'til I cried again!!!