U G H.

[belanger]

I dont even know how i got here. or what even made me post an actual entry. every single thing in my life, is a mess. when does it get easier? when does it stop hurting? when do boys really grow up? im so lost and confused is sick. im 21 years old and im sitting at home on a saturday night becasue im too busy feeling sorry for myself. how pathetic. i wish i could give up on the sorry excuse people, i call friends. I love my best friend and a few others. I dont understand how when girls get boyfriends they automatically forget they ever even had friends. I once did that for about a month and finally i was called out and promised myself id never be "that" girl. and to this day i have never given up a date with my friends for a guy..ever! but yet day after day, weekend after weekend i go threw this happening to me. What have i done to deserve this? Ive always been such a good friend to EVERY single one of my friends...even when they are 23493 miles away and need me..i drop abso fucking lutely everything to be there for them..i get absolutley nothing in return. And now that im actually trying this out and listening to myself, fuck em'. I dont really need anybody in my life anyways, the people who want to be there..will be there forever and thats all i need. And trying to be with someone who is older then you but acts like they are wayy younger is even worse then a bad friendship. How do you tell someone you love them, when its a HUGE step for you...you never do it unless you really truely feel it, and then cheat on them. HOW?! how heartless do you have to be? what is wrong with this world? what happend to everyone..where are all the good people at? i wanna be with them. im sick of feeling sad or hurt becasue of what someone else has done to me..if i feel bad or sad i want it to be becasue I fucked up...I failed. It's such bullshit that i even let other people effect me in the way i do now..i was never like this, i never took shit from anybody i never left anybody hurt me or make me feel sad becasue they didnt return a fucking phone call..now i get all depressed and think its the end of my world. Im pathetic..like i said in the beginging. Lately all i can do is seriously, seriously hate life. im starting to feel bad for me mom, she thinks im un-happy..well maybe i am. But nobody should feel sorry for me becasue ive put this all on myself..its all my fault, i failed myself. none of this even makes sense to me. Why couldnt i have been the child that got the good genes. the really smart determined athletic perfect gene. I am a failure. at everything i try to do, i fail. Every relationship that was good..i fuck it up..i walk away..i push them away. but then the bad one comes along and i go and fall in love. But hes "wrong" hes "bad for me" "you can do better" ya know.."hes a piece of shit" "why do you even like him". If i hear one more thing about him i might rip my hair out. How does seriously any other person know about your relationship besides the two IN the relationship? it kills me how people think they "know" my relationship when they dont even know anything about US! i cant even type anymore..im way too livid.
im sorry for anyone who just read that.