it's a rant, grin and deal with it...
so here's the deal, i'm gonna get kinda personal here. besides myself, four people are gonna be mentioned in this: one of them has no need to worry about anything, all he did was supply me with a little information. another has no need to care at all since i don't think he'll ever actually use the internet. another one i haven't spoken to since july/august when he told me (in so many words) to fuck off and die. and then there's the fourth, and frankly i don't really give a shit about what she thinks of me and i'm no longer concerned about how she treats people i cared about since they take it upon themselves to be treated that way... now that's out of the way:
it's been nearly six months to the day since i had to hunt him down in their drive way so he could tell me he was done, and for no real reason that he could think of at the time. he told me he wanted to be my friend but i was pissed and needed time. understandably so did he. about a month later we started getting together once a week or so to hang out. i thought things were going well. that maybe we could be friends.
but after i got back from maryland in july he just cut off communication. all communication. that's fine, whatever. i wish there had been an explanation but as there was none, i made up my own and felt a little better about it all. i deleted him from my lj, from my myspace, from my yahoo... i just wiped the slate clean and started things on my own thinking that maybe, just maybe, he had realized that listening to her was a huge fucking mistake and that he had walked away from the best thing he ever had. i mean, if every time i hung out with someone i used to date i got this hugely nauseating feeling because of what a bitch i'd been and i saw that the person i used to love was not only surviving, but thriving without me, i might not want to hang out with them either...
but i talked to the guy that introduced us the other day. he said he'd talked to my ex. said he'd asked my ex why he wasn't even willing to be my friend. he said it was easier without me, that when i was involved there was too much "drama" in his life...
drama? you think? let's recap, shall we?
i suppose it's not that surprising: "mama april" tells you that you're too good for me, that i'm a controlling cunt, that without me all of your self-loathing, miserable, selfish, confused, self destructive tendencies will magically go away. and rather than talking to me about it, you believe her. you take the easy "run with your tail (or enormous dick) between your legs" way out. you leave me and you move in with her.
now lets fast forward a few months; around the time i start bringing "drama" into your life. are you referring to the time you lied and because you did not tell me that you lacked the balls to tell them that you still wanted to be my friend they found out and this was somehow my fault? or are you referring to the fact that when you hung out with me i made you think for yourself? i bet part of the reason you don't want to be my friend is that you're so often sick. you know that pain you keep getting in your stomach? it's called regret. i bet every now and then you second guess the choices "mama april" made for you.
so i bet after you hung out with me you would go home and think. and you'd think and think and think and think until maybe you actually said something. then she might know.. mama april might know that you wonder if she is the all knowing goddess she claims to be. and she can't have you questioning that on account of little ole' me, now can she? yeah, i see how i'm the one that brings the drama to your life... at least when you cry about how suck-tastic things are at that house next time, i can actually take a little of the credit :)
hm, what you say? oh that you only meant well? well of course you did
hm, what you say? oh that it's all for the best? of course it is
hm, what you say? that this is just what we need? and you decided this
hm, what you say? or what did she say?
to be completely honest this entry was something that i had written in my paper journal. i thought there was no reason to share it since there was a small chance he might actually become an adult and want to be my friend. but then, my first boyfriend was able to grow up (after running into trash cans to avoid me the first month of our separation) and become a friend, why would i assume that could happen twice?
i used to miss him as the love of my life.. then i missed him because i thought we were gonna be great friends... now i just pitty him and hope he finds solace wherever he can. cause it's gonna be hard.
it's been nearly six months to the day since i had to hunt him down in their drive way so he could tell me he was done, and for no real reason that he could think of at the time. he told me he wanted to be my friend but i was pissed and needed time. understandably so did he. about a month later we started getting together once a week or so to hang out. i thought things were going well. that maybe we could be friends.
but after i got back from maryland in july he just cut off communication. all communication. that's fine, whatever. i wish there had been an explanation but as there was none, i made up my own and felt a little better about it all. i deleted him from my lj, from my myspace, from my yahoo... i just wiped the slate clean and started things on my own thinking that maybe, just maybe, he had realized that listening to her was a huge fucking mistake and that he had walked away from the best thing he ever had. i mean, if every time i hung out with someone i used to date i got this hugely nauseating feeling because of what a bitch i'd been and i saw that the person i used to love was not only surviving, but thriving without me, i might not want to hang out with them either...
but i talked to the guy that introduced us the other day. he said he'd talked to my ex. said he'd asked my ex why he wasn't even willing to be my friend. he said it was easier without me, that when i was involved there was too much "drama" in his life...
drama? you think? let's recap, shall we?
i suppose it's not that surprising: "mama april" tells you that you're too good for me, that i'm a controlling cunt, that without me all of your self-loathing, miserable, selfish, confused, self destructive tendencies will magically go away. and rather than talking to me about it, you believe her. you take the easy "run with your tail (or enormous dick) between your legs" way out. you leave me and you move in with her.
now lets fast forward a few months; around the time i start bringing "drama" into your life. are you referring to the time you lied and because you did not tell me that you lacked the balls to tell them that you still wanted to be my friend they found out and this was somehow my fault? or are you referring to the fact that when you hung out with me i made you think for yourself? i bet part of the reason you don't want to be my friend is that you're so often sick. you know that pain you keep getting in your stomach? it's called regret. i bet every now and then you second guess the choices "mama april" made for you.
so i bet after you hung out with me you would go home and think. and you'd think and think and think and think until maybe you actually said something. then she might know.. mama april might know that you wonder if she is the all knowing goddess she claims to be. and she can't have you questioning that on account of little ole' me, now can she? yeah, i see how i'm the one that brings the drama to your life... at least when you cry about how suck-tastic things are at that house next time, i can actually take a little of the credit :)
hm, what you say? oh that you only meant well? well of course you did
hm, what you say? oh that it's all for the best? of course it is
hm, what you say? that this is just what we need? and you decided this
hm, what you say? or what did she say?
to be completely honest this entry was something that i had written in my paper journal. i thought there was no reason to share it since there was a small chance he might actually become an adult and want to be my friend. but then, my first boyfriend was able to grow up (after running into trash cans to avoid me the first month of our separation) and become a friend, why would i assume that could happen twice?
i used to miss him as the love of my life.. then i missed him because i thought we were gonna be great friends... now i just pitty him and hope he finds solace wherever he can. cause it's gonna be hard.