Feb 06, 2007 13:39
I'd like to say I'm unique and have some special qualities. I'd like to say I'm special and different from the rest. How can I say any of what I do not know. I don't know how other women are. I do not know very many. And when I get to think about it, there are more incredible women out there than I can imagine. There are more women, I can imagine, who have bigger hearts, better personalities and amazing skills, which I do not possess. So how can I make this assumption without comparison. I'm trying to find what makes me special.
I am wondering where I rank. This is silly I know, because my ego is running the show right now. But is it valid? I'm pursuing myself. I'm trying to find who I really can be. I'm bringing back all the talents I had as a child and practicing them to perfect them and make me happy. But is it enough? Being me should be, but it seems being yourself is not all it takes in this world anymore. It seems I have to be in posession of an over inflated ego which drives the rest of me. This is, of course related only to pride, and what I want others to see me as. It feels out of character for me, but it's there driving me to think this insane bullshit. And I tell myself, it doesn't matter as long as you are you and you're happy. No one, especially lonely unlucky people, wants to hear this bullshit. I tell it to myself and I don't want to hear it, I don't want to believe it. But it's true I suppose. Anyway, I think I need to get out of this crap in my head that's telling me I should be more, and the me I want to be isn't enough. The point of all this; I want to be wanted and cared for and loved. I've learned that this comes from myself and I can give it to myself, but I also want to learn how to love someone else. I don't want to waste the younger years of my life alone. They certainly aren't being wasted, I just want to be cared about and thought about. I feel like a sissy for writing this shit. I felt something that sparked an interest. I'm starting to wish I didn't, but it's set me on this path to feel it again. And I'm obsessed...slightly.